... I have really been struggling lately. Spirit Week was great, and I went from there straight into a fun weekend at Disneyland to celebrate my sister's 30th birthday. I came back Monday exhausted and looking forward to a week off school. But by Wednesday I was already wishing the break just didn't exist. It's not that I didn't enjoy being able to sleep in everyday and catch up on the outbreak of a deadly toxin in General Hospital - that was great, actually. It's just that once work moved aside for a moment - once it wasn't at the forefront of my mind blocking anything else I might possibly think about - I got to take a good look at the rest of my life. And I realized that it is empty and miserable.
I've talked about it before, I know, the overwhelming loneliness, the fact that my work takes over my life and leaves me feeling isolated and bereft, but it's back more strongly now. I feel like I have nothing in my life except work, and that makes time away from work pretty devastating. Sure, I force myself out of the house (most) Monday evenings for dance rehearsal, but that's a brief distraction at best. And outside of that, my life consists of school and home, with an occasional stop for Starbucks in between.
Part of this, yes, is wanting a boyfriend. A boyfriend to someday become a husband. A husband to someday become the father of my children. I am not a fan of the single life: I'm a homebody by nature, but I like staying in and watching TV or reading books with other people. Being alone every. single. night. gets very old after a while. Plus, the longer I go without a boyfriend, the more worried I get - what if I really never meet the right guy? What if I'm alone forever? "You won't be," you say. But what if I am? Or what if when I finally meet the right guy I'm too old for us to start a family? I would be devastated. These fears can really only be alleviated with time, by eventually getting a boyfriend, getting married, and proving them wrong. But my current situation doesn't really make that possible.
The more general issue here, though, is that I want to share my life with someone. You may think this is just another way of saying, "I want to get married," but it's not. It's bigger than that, and doesn't require a romantic relationship. I want someone who's always around at the end of the day, when I need to vent about work. I want someone at hand for when I get a craving for Denny's for dinner, so that I don't have to get a table for one. I want someone to come with me when I go for walks on the weekend. I want someone who'll sit beside me at church every Sunday. I just want to know someone's there.
It's not like no one is there - I do have friends. Tpiglette, for example, is wonderful (and celebrating a birthday today), but she's married. She can certainly spend time with me and eat meals with me and hang out with me and go shopping with me... as long as it's once in a while. But it's not like we can live together and spend all our free time together - I imagine her husband would feel quite put out. I don't have all that many other close friends besides Tpiglette, and those I do have don't really have the time or inclination to be my full-time partner-in-crime anyway. I used to live with a best friend who shared my life with me, but the friendship ended and I moved in with strangers, and I haven't been able to fill the gap that relationship left behind.
I've been feeling so down about this lately - really despairing and wretched, crying relatively often. And I admit that I'm beginning to wonder if I need to go back to my meds. Yes, I went off my meds, but no, not cold turkey this time, and not even all that recently. I started tapering off quite some time ago, and have been completely off my antidepressents for a couple months now. I don't want to feel like anytime I'm sad it's because I'm not taking pills, but I also don't want to feel like being off pills puts me at risk for hopelessness every time I have a spare moment to consider the imperfections of my life. I just can't seem to shake this unhappiness, and there's always the risk that finding someone to share my life won't even help me break out of it. If it *does* help me out of it, then should I always fear what will happen to me if that person is gone again?
I'm wondering if I should make an appointment with a psychiatrist (can't go to my old one because she closed her practice to pursue other professional opportunities) to talk about this stuff and get some advice. I don't want to wait too long and fall apart completely - too many people count on me for me to let that happen. I'm totally unmotivated to do anything right now, though, including make appointments, no matter how much I might think I need them.
I just want the bad feelings to go away. Can't they just go away?