I totally don't have it in me to give you anything good or happy tonight. I feel like shit. Full-blown shit. Depressed to the level of, oh, let's say... December or January. Part of this is because I've been trying to go cold-turkey without my meds for about a week. (This is not something I recommend, but without insurance, I'm really afraid to figure out how I'm going to pay for the psychiatrist and prescription.) And part of this is because I can't seem to convince New Boy to like me and so we're going to "just be friends" now I guess.
But whatever it is, it's getting me down. Way down. And I need help.
I feel like a nobody. Like the worst kind of nobody. I feel like there is just no hope for me in the future, but worse than that, I feel like I'm worthless in the present. It's far too easy for me to look around and just wish I were dead, because really? What good am I? I feel like I can look around and see so many great and wonderful people out doing good things in the world, and I'm just not one of them. I feel like George Bailey, except when I say, "I wish I'd never been born," there's just a telling silence in the universe, as if an entire world of people were thinking, "Eh, wouldn't bother me."
And on the one hand, I keep thinking that I should have done better. I keep thinking I should have been a better friend to those around me, led as a better example in the world. I should have been a better blogger even - HBM is always changing the world around her with posts raising awareness, or support, or even money. So where's my change? What the fuck have I ever done for anyone or anything?
I hate myself and my life.
So I could just keep quiet and cry myself to sleep (well, I'm sure I'll be doing that soon anyway), but instead, I'll be posting this on the internet. And I'm asking for your help. For myself. Not for some worthwhile charity, or some beautiful wonderful deserving person suffering a stroke of bad luck. No, I'm selfish enough to ask for myself. To say, "Please tell me I'm not worthless. Please tell me I have some value in this world. Please tell me I deserve something good in my life."
Please tell me I'm not a nobody.