New Boy Slams Lara, Details at 11

[Updated below.]

Almost a month ago now, New Boy said to me, "Okay, not this Wednesday because I'm DJ'ing at Steppin' Out, and not next Wednesday because I'll be out of town, but the Wednesday after that I want to take you out."

Uh... planning ahead much? But I said, "Okay, sure. Where we going?" And he said the magic words:

"It's a surprise."


Mom and Seeser also love surprises.Eek! I love surprises! Except that I don't want them to stay surprises for long, so I start going, "TellmeTellmeTellmeTellme!" until he wants to just cancel the thing altogether. But eventually I left it alone and waited to find out last week.

And then he postponed. Damn.

But FINALLY, this week, we got our respective acts together and got ready to go to Berkeley for some special event. He told me, "Dress is casual, and as long as we leave by about 6:30 we should be fine." [And yes, for those of you who are paying close attention, that means that the end of my time on the radio with Kristen happened while I was in the car with New Boy. I should have had him pop on the phone just to say hello to all his fans. Ha!] So we headed out and I still had no clue what was going on.

And we got to a bar called "The Starry Plough," and I still had no clue what was going on.

And we had amazing burgers and fries and I slowly began to read the signs around me, finally figuring out what was going on.

New Boy took me to a poetry slam.

Pause for a moment to acknowledge: a) I wrote this post partially because I feared New Boy would never understand the poetic side of me, and b) New Boy is a scientist.

And he took me to a poetry slam. Because he thought I would enjoy it.


New Boy gets two enthusiastic thumbs up.[Go ahead, ladies - I know you want to give a big weepy "Sigh..." I did.]

I was totally excited. And we ended up having a great time. Unfortunately, because it was a weeknight and we were an hour from home, we could only stay for the first round and part of the feature artist. But even so, we had tons of fun watching what we could.

And as if it weren't enough that he understood my love for poetry, he also understands my need to blog. After the first couple poets, I told him I was thinking of all the strangest phrases from each poem, and he said, "You should write them down for a post." So, I did, and now here is the standout line or phrase from each poem in the first round:

1. "loving laser beams" - This stood out because it was so weird. This guy was talking about his lover shooting him with these "loving laser beams," and I got this image of a Fembot frying her victim.
2. "big, pulpy kiss" - Gross. Not only is it sticky, but it's sour, too.
3. "I hope I grow flaccid." - Personally, I thought this was an amazing statement to hear coming from a random dood on a Berkeley stage. New Boy's favorite part of this poem was the phrase "armpit pussy," which I admit was pretty good.
4. "pathetic f*cking excuse for an archetype" - Right on, sister.
5. "We need the world but the world does not need us." - Ah, it's so true.
6. "Drive safe... ly... off a cliff... to your death. ... ...please." - The delivery of this line was just perfect, with the pauses in just the right places.
7. "F*ck Bush!" - And I think that says it all right there.
8. "Like lava gasping for charcoal air." - This falls in the realm of "Similes that suck."
9. "... playing hopscotch with my heart valve." - This falls in the realm of "Figurative language that sucks."
10. "Long story short? We developed a jump shot." - The long story can be summarized as follows: Black men are bad at poker because all the ones who were good at it were "tossed overboard during the crossing."

And the ABSOLUTE best of all, because it's so damn true:
11. "They call it a 'period,' but it's really more of a run-on sentence, isn't it?" - Because every menstruating woman worldwide can understand the truth of this statement.

A major thanks goes out to New Boy for taking the time to plan an outing he thought I would enjoy. I had a great time.