Wash Your Hands After Handling Raw Google-age

Well, the thing about working with sick kids is that it is all but inevitable that I get sick also. So I've spent the weekend alternating between the couch and my bed, carrying a roll of toilet paper around (to use as faux tissues), and occasionally drinking some orange juice. I cough, I sneeze, I sniffle, and I moan. Every so often, someone says something helpful like, "You sound awful," to which I reply, "I look nice, too." Because let me tell you something: Nothing is sexier than a gal in sweats, wrapped in a blanket, with a bright red nose, mouth gaping open, and drooping eyelids. I look like death warmed over.

But never think that I would abandon you, even in these dark times of illness. I still have Google-age to share, because my being sick doesn't stop the crazies from searching out strange and unusual things on the interwebs. So, please enjoy this week's offering of insanity while I curl up over here and hack up my lungs. No, really, don't mind me - I'm fine.



Who Needs WebMD?

self harm don't cut yourself vertically - Or, maybe, just don't cut yourself at all. That might be even better.

feels like breathing skips - I get the same way when I watch old episodes of Dallas. That Larry Hagman was just too much!

vomiting by sex - Unless this is morning sickness due to pregnancy, I think you've got a big problem. Sex really shouldn't be triggering regurgitation.

thick girls naked - Remarkably similar to thin girls naked. When it comes down to it, all the hardware is the same, guys.

list of emotions to heal - Is this, like, the magic list that all doctors are working on curing? Depression, sadness, anger... Is 'flatulence' an emotion?

crying is exhausting - It's so true. And then I just want to fall over and cry, because I'm SO tired!

bruised feet in toddlers - Someone has gotten their spanking signals mixed.

What Are You REALLY Talking About?

"aussies are laid back" - I knew an "Aussie" once, but he was not "laid back" at all. He was, however, laid, so I guess it all evens out.

life like dolls for education - Whoa, what kind of education here? Are we talking old school Home Economics? CPR? Or are we talking about "sex education"? 'Cause I gotta say that if you're learning with a doll, you're doing it wrong.

lilo and stitch uncensored life - Finally, a full-frontal visit with my two favorite cartoon characters. I see wild and crazy times in our future.

alice in wonderland XXX - I wonder if this airs right after Lilo and Stitch's Uncensored Life. What a powerhouse hour that would be!

electric amish furnace - Well, since I know that the Amish don't use anything electric, this must be code for something else. "Hey, Abel, what're you doing tonight?" "Oh, nothing, just spending some time with my electric amish furnace." "Oooh..."

Fuzzy Sticks - Yeah, I'm not falling for that one again. I'm not going to hold your "fuzzy sticks," no matter how nicely you ask.

regency stuff - You know what I'm talking about, so don't act like you don't.

"nose scarf" - Wow. That's one I haven't heard before.

I Know EXACTLY What You Mean

I feel like I am in a deep dark hole and I cut myself - Find some friends to help you out. If you look closely enough, you might even see some there with you in the darkness.

TMDAFM and red - I have some great new TMDAFM (Throw Me Down And F--- Me) red satin pumps. Aren't they sexy?


i never seem to have enough shoes - Neither do I! That's why I'm always buying more.

sex first time jitters - Yeah, I was pretty nervous. But I made sure I waited until I felt comfortable and ready, and that helped ease the nerves tremendously. Having a nice guy helps too.

quizzes to waste time - Oh, yeah, I've done these.

life kicks your ass sometimes - Yes, it does. But sometimes, if you're lucky, you feel good enough to kick back.

sex on google is good - Yeah, totally. All my best sex is on Google. Seriously - go look for it.

And my favorite from this week:

waste some time - I think we just did.


Happy Sunday!