Thursday, January 24, 2008

Let Me 'Splain

Posted by Lara at 10:03 PM
Can we talk?

Here's the thing about the gray: It's always there, but it's not alone. Those brighter colors are there too, and not just to cover up the darkness. Those colors are just as honest - they aren't lies. It's just that lately, I feel like those bright colors? They're all I'm letting show, and I feel like that IS a lie.

When I sit down at the computer and think about blogging, I have two main options: I can write about the good, or I can write about the bad. Sometimes the choice is an easy one for me, because the good is just too good not to share. When that happens, I feel good, because I feel like everyone wins: I get a chance to celebrate the things in my life that are going really well, and you all get to read something cheerful from a blogger who used to have nothing but pain.

And therein lies the real problem - the real reason I've been hiding the gray. I shared my depression from the very beginning, pretty openly and explicitly at times. And as I started to heal, I shared that too, and the little victories along the way. So now, I've convinced myself that that's what you want to read about - all the ways I'm better. But I'm hiding all the ways that I'm still struggling.

Well frankly, I think that's a load of crap, and I'm calling myself on it. If anyone out there were reading me under caveat that I stay happy at all times, well, that person probably left after the last post. Some of you have only begun reading me recently, but many of you have stuck it out for the long haul. Aly and Sassy have been dear friends for over a year now; Sandra was one of the first people I emailed about my hospitalization, and Julia's been with me since only slightly after that; and there are countless more I can't even begin to mention who've been by my side through thick and thin. So who am I to think that you'll all turn and run at the revelation that I'm not perfectly happy all the time?

I've been told by numerous people that what is good about my blog is the sincerity, the honesty. So I'm going to try to be more honest about how I'm feeling. If I feel like letting out some of the gray, then I will - no more sweeping it under the rug out of some weird sense of obligation. That way, when I feel like letting out the happy colors, it'll feel genuine.

Deal?

17 comments:

KennethSF on 10:33 PM said...

The gray is what reveals the depth of your character, Lara. Let the squeamish readers turn their eyes away. I'd say, let's have a closer look. :-)

flutter on 10:48 PM said...

Deal.

Hanlie on 11:10 PM said...

Good for you!

lspoon on 4:12 AM said...

Good deal! Blogs should be about your everyday and not all about sunshine and rainbows. But I must admit that I'm guilty of locking the bad away on my blog. I guess I'm just not ready to unleash it yet!

Mrs. Chili on 4:36 AM said...

Deal.

Mayberry on 6:44 AM said...

Deal!

tali on 9:49 AM said...

Deal!

I agree that your willingness to be honest with yourself and then even further to share that honesty through your writing is what's amazing about your blog =)

the kaiser on 10:49 AM said...

I was gonna say "Deal", but everyone already beat me to it. So I'm gonna say Sold!

And don't forget, going through long stretches of happy is just as legit as going through long stretches of unhappy.

TSM-terrifically superiorily mediocre on 12:32 PM said...

It's totally a deal.

One of the things I love about your blog is how much I can relate to you-both in your highs and your lows. When I see your pain, I feel like I am in a place to offer hope. When I see your joy, I am reminded that there is hope for me. I guess we kind of need each other in this great big blogosphere, no?

BetteJo on 6:22 PM said...

Deal!

Your writing is so honest and pure - I'd be disappointed if you weren't sharing the good and the bad. Nobody has the good stuff all the time and I appreciate your ability to express yourself with such vulnerability.

Guilty Secret on 2:16 AM said...

Absolutely it's a deal. I find honesty much more appealing than cheeriness anyway!

Lindz on 12:50 PM said...

Personally, I think that is what writing is for. To let it all out, the good, the bad and even the ugly.

Lara on 4:26 PM said...

lindz - did you just call me ugly? :-P

pincushionpoints on 11:29 PM said...

Deal!

katch PHOTO on 12:28 AM said...

nice post

Sandra on 3:18 AM said...

How did I miss this post.

What I love about your blog is it's raw honesty and your bravery to be so imperfectly human. Some of the posts you have shared about the winding road you are travelling, I am sure have had huge impacts on people - helped people understand things like cutting and depression better.

Do you have to be sunny and happy all the time? Hell no - it is not a pageant where you have vaseline on your teeth to hold up the perma grin.

You are a gifted, gifted writer and that comes partly from the fact that you draw from deep within ... don't worry about your readers. If writing through the white, black, grey helps then do it. If it doesn't, then don't. It's your blog baby.

Hugs to you.

alyndabear on 9:22 AM said...

I'm all for the sincerity - don't go changing.... to try and please me.... I love you just the wayyyyy you areeeeee *sways*

 

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