Because I Love You That Much

"Who could be more important than sleep?"

I spent a good six hours at a gig today for my swing troupe, and I'm very sick still. Performing with a swing dance group can be physically exhausting in the best of circumstances - when you're already sniffly, sneezy, congested, achy, and suffering from what can only be a terminal respiratory infection, well, it feels like it'll kill you. And now I'm finally home and the only thing stopping me from showering and falling into bed is this nagging feeling that I owe you all a Google-age, so here I am, awake and blogging instead of asleep and dreaming (of blogging).

But as soon as this is done, have no doubt that I'll be collapsing in a pile of dirty laundry that is currently residing on the bed. Yes, that's right, I won't even move the laundry - I'll sleep directly on it. I just hope I don't roll off in the middle of the night.

Oh, but a quick question before we start the Google-age: If a non-parent (like, oh, say, Lara David) were to write a parenting-type book, would that be a really bad idea? Just wondering. You know - hypothetically.



On the Next "Jerry Springer":

pettycoat moms - These are like soccer moms, but way more intense. And with more crinoline.

self conscious heels - Low heels, hitting only around 1.5 to 2 inches, who've spent their lives living in the shadow of the higher pumps. If only people could learn to appreciate them for the special class they bring to an outfit.

dirty sayings to say to your lover - Including some classic options like, "I haven't showered today," and, "Do I have grease stains on my face?"

older siblings being bossy to little siblings - We won't actually be helping them come to solutions, though. Mostly, we'll be placing them in a ring, adding a soundtrack, and taking bets on the outcome.

pee - Given Jerry Springer's taste in topics, I'm sure this one's pretty high on the list. It doesn't even have to have a specific focus - just anything about urine will do.

deep and insightful questions - I crack myself up. Deep and insightful questions? On Jerry Springer? Ha!

tickling moms - Those twisted freaks!

girls who dare(porn) - Slutty and bold, just how we likes 'em!

mothers who let their sons wear pantyhose - Debating them will be mothers who let their daughters wear jock straps. What an exciting discussion that will be!

Oh, You Weren't Talking to Me

"Mom, you're gorgeous" - I'm sure she'd be more grateful if you told her this directly, rather than telling it to Google and hoping it gets back to her.

i forgot to write a letter of thank you, how do i do that now? - I'm sorry, Emily Post isn't in right now, but I'll have her get back to you at her earliest convenience.

"Mix It Up Photography" - Yeah, Photography, stop being so boring!

You look like a two-dollar hooker! - Oh, I'm sorry, maybe you were talking to me...


sneaky pee - How many times have I asked you to stop sneaking up on people?

what baskin robbins flavor would you be Jack Handey? - Jack Handey would not be any Baskin Robbins flavor. Jack Handey is far too classy for Baskin Robbins. Jack Handey is Haagen-Dazs all the way.

poke my mom makayla - Makayla says: "Your mom is not poke-worthy."

winnie the pooh Be my valentine - Winnie the Pooh already has a valentine, which is obviously Christopher Robin. Get lost, loser.

you're a man of special kind - Yes. The "female" kind.

dooce at dooce dot com - Yeah, I WISH I were that popular...

And finally, a couple of

How To's

how to tell if someone is a cutter - Clue #1: Visible scratches and/or cuts appear with some frequency. Clue #2: He/She likes to hoard sharp objects, like razors, pins, or shards of broken glass. Clue #3: He/She writes openly about it on his/her blog. That last one's kind of a dead giveaway, actually.

how to stop nagging and thinking about how someone hurts you - Well, you can try deep breathing when you feel like nagging; hopefully, taking a few moments to calm yourself will make it easier to discuss the situation calmly without sounding "nagging." And you can try focusing on more positive aspects in your life instead of past hurts. Of course, if that's too difficult, you can try copious amounts of alcohol - that's always worked for me.

how to hint that you want to have sex without sounding skanky - Why would you want to sound un-skanky? Sounding skanky is your best bet for assuring yourself a sexful evening of sexeriffic sex. Go, skank, go!

Happy Sunday all.

*Lara collapses onto afore-promised pile of laundry. She didn't even take a shower.*