Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Holding On

This is how I feel these days, like I'm holding all the pieces of my life together, but only barely. They're beautiful, each individual piece a vibrant color, but taken together they fade to grey. Each seems whole when taken separately, but when you put them all next to each other, you can see that they are only a piece, broken off from a larger story. Collected together, they lie quietly in my hand, but one strong wind will carry them off and leave me empty, holding nothing.

So fragile is my grasp on it all.


jittacatgirl said...

hmm, i thought you were so great at holding... my bad. :)

Aussie Boy said...

Holding smolding. This blog still sucks.

Well Urbana & Champaign has today been totally awesome until about 5 minutes ago when it began to suck arse. I gave my talk and it rocked = two thumbs up. I just heard that the guy I wanted to work with in York didn't get his funding = two thumbs way down.

So the moral to the (very Aussie Boy-centric) story is that life is a rollercoaster. Sometimes you end up with vomit all over your shirt, especially if you have a weak stomach like me. So actually rollercoasters really suck ass and maybe life isn't anything like them at all.

So the real moral to the story is that life is like a box of chocolates, and some of them are Turkish Delight. Turkish Delight sucks, but unless you've been cursed and have a scar in the shape of a lightning bolt on your forehead (ask Jittas if you need an explanation) not all the chocolates will be Turkish Delight. So spit out the bad, swallow the good, and know that somewhere out in the middle of "heaven knows where" (read: Illinois) there's a random Aussie who'll be back in a week or so he'd be highly offended if life still sucked once he was back. (Offended and wondering what he needs to do to invert your frown. Chocolate always works for me. Stuck for ideas after that.)

;-) x

P.S. 3 beers and you'd think I'd downed a bottle of vodka. I am so the dictionary defintion of "soft" these days...

Unknown said...

Hang in there. I just read on another blog that we need to be grateful for the 'cracks' because they let in the light.

Sending thoughts.

Major Bedhead said...

You always have such great things to say to others when they're down that I feel totally lame just saying hang in there, but it's all I have right now. Just hang in there....

Anonymous said...

Strange, that, how you (generic, not specific 'you') can see the beauty in the pieces, but the beauty of the whole escapes you. A large part of my winter was that way. And with the spring and the sunlight comes my rejuvination.

I hope yours comes soon.

Trina said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Trina said...

Thanks for taking a look at my blog! I have been reading yours and your insight and wisdom I think, are greater than you realize. Sometimes when my life seems disjointed and the beauty of it is only seen in pieces, it helps to blur my eyes a little. It is then I can see that in reality, the colors run together and become one a grand masterpiece, a Seurat, with lots of individual dots, each necessary to the whole but incomplete with out the rest to accompany them. And as one incredibly perky redhead once said, the sun will come out tomorrow :)

shelleycoughlin said...

That picture is so pretty.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps your perspective is too narrow. Perhaps, if the wind comes and blows away the pieces, their color, texture, strength, and shape will provide beauty and inspiration to the finder. Perhaps the parts that grow back will be even stronger and more beautiful than before.

I take the pieces and stitch them together with the things that make me happy. I call it my life quilt.

Though sad, your writing is beautiful!

Amanda said...

...holding nothing, until a warm breeze, kissed with the sweet spring fragrance of hope, whispers in and dewy new pieces come to land in your open hand.

Lara said...

jitta - somehow "holding" and "holding on" feel different.

aussie boy - thanks. i'm looking forward to the return of that "random aussie." life probably won't suck as much once he's back. :-P

tori - that's a nice analogy. thanks for sharing, and for the thoughts.

major bedhead - thanks, lady. it's not lame at all. i'm doing my best to just keep hangin'.

mary p - yes, that's exactly my problem. all the pieces of my life seem to be going well, but when i try to make them fit together, it doesn't seem to form any sort of coherent whole. what is my life, if not the sum of these pieces? but then, is that all it will ever be?

trina - thanks for joining into the conversation. a seurat, huh? i like that. maybe blurring my vision is the key.

nancypearlwannabe - thank you, dear. i really like the photo, as well as the color version of the same. :)

cheryl - thanks so much for your words. a quilt is a great metaphor for this life - a kind of tapestry that brings it all together, without losing the individual pieces to the whole. and you're right, too, in that the pieces i lose hold of may go on to others who may use them better. and in exchange, perhaps new pieces will come to me from other quilts, and we'll all share the fabric together.

amanda - you are so right. thanks for the reminder. an empty hand cannot stay empty for long.