Last month, you all might recall that I had to suddenly rectify an uncomfortable living situation. Only a short two weeks later, I lost my job. I was feeling pretty down - actually, down and getting the crap kicked out of me by life - and I chatted with Batman. "If you're planning to break up with me," I said, "can you just do it now? That way it'll be like three strikes and I can just move away from here and start over somewhere new." He laughed it off and supported me well as I found a new place to live and a new job.
And then today he dumped me.
Okay, I guess 'dumped' is a bit harsh. He came over unexpectedly, and for a moment I thought maybe he'd come to spend a little time with me because he missed me. But no, he came to "talk about us." Well, I thought, that can only mean good things, I'm sure. (Yes, I'm even sarcastic and snarky in my own head.) He said he wanted to just be friends, because there's just no romantic feeling there. I didn't cry, I didn't fight with him, I didn't beg him to change his mind - I just said, "Okay." And after an uncomfortable silence, I told him I had a lot of work to do, and I showed him the door.
Then I started crying, of course. I ran straight to the computer to talk to Tpiglette because, as I described her to my mom, she's my knight in shining armor when the shit comes down. She immediately asked if she could come see me, and I wasn't in a mood to turn down such a comforting presence. I also called my mom, who offered to fly me back out to Vegas for a while to be with her and Seeser, which is actually sounding pretty good right now - it would certainly beat being alone all the time. And with Tpiglette by my side and my mom's voice still in my ears, I cried a whole lot more. In fact, my eyes are still red and puffy, and they sort of sting a bit. As if crying weren't painful enough, I have to suffer all the after-effects too.
After J. and I broke up, he found his new girlfriend almost immediately, and they've been together ever since. I, on the other hand, am clearly not doing very well at this whole post-engagement dating thing. The only truly successful relationships I've had since breaking off my engagement have been the ones that have had absolutely no future. The guys I've dated in the hopes of something long term? They all seem to lose interest in me in the 6-8 week range. And it's not like I've attracted all that many of them, so it's been 6-8 weeks of an awesome relationship - which is just enough time for me to get fully emotionally invested - followed by
months of loneliness and pining. Boy, I'm really excited to be starting up a new cycle of THAT.
Part of me is mad at him - why couldn't he have done what I asked him to do last month? Couldn't he have just broken up with me then? I could have moved to Vegas, or SoCal, or Boston, and started fresh somewhere new. What's the point of making me work through those first two transitions only to have to endure a new one afterwards? Part of me believes it worked out that way because I really am meant to be at my new high school in the fall. If I'd moved, I would've missed that opportunity, and I know that it's going to be a good thing for me. But part of me just wants to run and hide from the heartache, and now I can't do that.
Of course, part of me is just down on myself. Yes, I know, logically, I'm pretty sure there's nothing wrong with me. More likely, something's wrong with the timing of the relationships I've had so far. But when someone comes up and basically says, "I'm just not that into you," it's hard not to self-assess. I had concerns through our entire relationship about how good-looking he was - that I wasn't attractive enough to hold him. Maybe that's the problem there. And of course, there's always the "maybe I was too crazy / emotional / depressed / batshit insane for him" theory. Why can't I seem to get a guy to want to stay? I'm intriguing at first, then I drive them away.
How many times will I have to go through this before I find the guy who'll stick around? One who'll love me and laugh with me and be my best friend - why is that too much to ask?