Seriously. For the past couple of weeks - with a brief break when I went to Vegas to visit Mom and Seeser - I've been feeling depression creeping back into my life. I've always been a sleeper, and I like that I've been getting a good amount of sleep lately because I know come the fall I'll be steeped in sleep debt. But it's like all I do is sleep - I sleep 10-12 hours at night, then wake up for a few hours only to nap again in the late afternoon. When I'm not sleeping, I'm in bed, floating around the internet on my laptop or watching TV. I leave the bed to get food and use the bathroom, and that's pretty much it. Why?
Because I have no reason to get out of bed.
I have no job right now, so I don't need to get up and "go to work." Of course, that's not to say I don't have work that needs to get done - I have tons. I told you all that I was going to be teaching again, but did I mention what I'm teaching? Three sections of honors world literature, the curriculum for which is filled with books I've NEVER READ, and one section of beginning French. Yes, FRENCH, my third language, after English and Spanish. But they needed the help and I had to admit honestly that I am probably adequately qualified to teach a beginning class. That doesn't mean I'm terribly confident about teaching it, though, which means I need to start brushing up like mad. Parlez-vous Francais?
Unfortunately, all that lesson planning - not to mention the contract work I got myself before I signed on to teach at this new school - doesn't come with a 9-5 office timetable. I don't work well without a structured schedule, so I'm faced with a mind-numbingly overwhelming amount of work, but no scheduled time to do any of it. All of which eventually leads to my waking up and avoiding doing any of my work until I decide it's time to go to sleep again. I get up, turn my laptop on, and read blogs. Then I play around with Twitter, or Facebook, or I work on blogging projects, or I edit photos, and occasionally I think, "I really should try to get some work done." But does it get done? No, because I just think, "I don't care," and then I roll over and go to sleep again.
I have no hobbies, either. There was a time when I had dance activities (rehearsals, performances, social events) almost every day of the week. But these days, I hardly ever dance, especially now that I'm no longer in my swing performance troupe. Unfortunately, I just couldn't stay with that group anymore because of personal reasons; if I had stayed, it would have taken its toll on my mental health and well-being, and I wasn't willing to take that risk after everything I've done to try to get better. I think those of you who are particularly attentive can probably figure out why I couldn't stay, but suffice to say that it was best for both me and the group that I leave.
Unfortunately, rehearsals were a once-a-week reason to leave the house and socialize with friends. And when we had performances I got out even more often. But now, I only go dancing if I motivate myself to go out socially, and with summer upon us (a traditionally dance-light season) there aren't many options. The options I do have, well, I just can't motivate myself to get out to them - I worry that I'll feel out of place and alone, especially if I have no one to go with me.
And there's another big problem: I have no one to spend my time with these days. Tpiglette is one of my best friends, but she recently moved and has been busy; plus, she's married, and I feel bad taking too much time away from her hubby. J. is a dear friend still, but I don't want to make his girlfriend uncomfortable by spending too much time with him. Other friends - and there aren't many of them - are always busy with other things. And Batman? Well, things with Batman are very uncertain right now. He works all the time - I pretty much never see him anymore. When I do, he's either preoccupied with work or exhausted by not having enough sleep (from the working all the time). We don't even talk that much because he's so darn busy, and now his parents are in town, so I doubt I'll talk to him at all really until sometime next week, after they leave. For all I know, he and I are just friends now and I just missed the memo.
So where do I go from here? How do I convince myself to get up and out of bed each day? I've been taking all my meds just like normal, but it's like there's nothing motivating me to battle the depression - I might as well just let it take over and stay in bed all day.
I have no reason to get out of bed.