Sunday, January 14, 2007

Because Sometimes Life Kicks Your Ass

I'm uncertain how I'm feeling right now. It's been a rough couple of days for me, and pretty much everything that has upset me has come up with little or no warning, just when I think everything's okay again. How does that happen?

I'm tired of crying all the time. Sometimes it feels like that's all I do. Tpiggy came over last night at 2am, just to sit with me while I cried. And tonight, I was playing the piano while waiting for J. to be ready to go to dinner, and by the time he was ready, I was sobbing again, tears falling on ivory. I'm getting very soggy.

I guess I just... sometimes even with all the warnings, I don't see these things coming. I can't rightly say I'm upset right now, because I don't think I am. I'm just... uncertain, I guess. Mixed emotions, and all that. Part of me glad, part of me confused, part of me wistful - I just don't know how I'll feel from one moment to the next.

Mostly I'm just tired. It's draining, feeling all this emotion all the time. And I'm struggling to learn to be alone. I'm having a tough time learning to depend only on myself, to know that I'm the only one taking care of me anymore. It's just... exhausting sometimes.

I don't really know how to describe it. Shell shock? Maybe that's what this is.

What would you do if you were me?


Day 14 of SaBloBoMo: Illusions by Richard Bach

Talk about a book that will get you thinking. I first read this maybe 10 years ago, and re-read it on loan from a friend about six months ago or so. It's a great book, and I appreciated all the food for thought. It will have you challenging your beliefs - perhaps only towards an end of believing them more strongly for the thought you've put into them, or perhaps eventually getting you to change them completely. For me, I think the book puts into words many things I've always believed, but never been able to express well. Quote that has stayed with me the longest?

"Do not be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is necessary before we can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends."


LaLa said...

Thank you for that quote, it was... lovely. And I like all things lovely.

The only piece of advice I can give you is one that my Mum gave me.

Everything that happens to you is another thread in the tapestry of life, sometimes you get beautiful gold threads but sometimes you get the horrible, scratchy and dull looking threads.

The main thing to remember is that in the end, all the threads, beautiful and scratchy alike, combine to make YOUR tapestry and it is a beautiful piece of work.

Sometimes you need the dull, scratchy stuff to make the other stuff more beautiful.

I hope my Mum's words help.

Mama said...

Oh, Lara, I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling low. I understand the exhaustion that comes from being the only one taking care of you. I feel that way sometimes, too.

Just remember that even when you feel alone, you're not really alone. It sounds like you have an amazing network of friends and family. Lean on them when you need to and soon enough you'll feel better.

For me, every now and then the responsibility of being a single mom to three rambunctious gremlins seems more than I can handle. Actually, it's more than every now and then. It's every day. But sometimes the weight of it makes me feel like I just can't breathe and I crave, more than anything to have someone say they'll take care of things.

One thing I've learned is that, even though I'll never stop craving that from time to time, I value myself more knowing that I am capable of taking care of my kids and myself on my own. I'm proud of myself for being independent. You should be proud of yourself, too.

Tandava said...

Illusions is in the small set of books that I consistenly reread at least once a year or so. This is one of the parts that has always struck me the most:

"Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is published around the world -- even if what is published is not true."

It starts out sounding like it's talking about how you behave: never do anything you'd be ashamed of. But the second part throws a wrench in that, because it doesn't matter what you actually did if you're dealing with lies. So it's more really just about a way to be, rather than a way to act. Let the world be its crazy, chaotic self, but you can still be complete and content and whole on your own, from the inside.

This doesn't mean you should ignore the world or not care about it. It's just a reminder that you have complete control over you how react to it. It sounds like you're in a state where that doesn't really feel true, and that'll probably be the case for a while longer. But you'll get there. Good luck, and lots of hugs.

Anonymous said...

My sweet baby,
I hope you take these other comments to heart. They are inspiring. Having learned to depend on and live by myself I will once again tell you to take baby steps and practice gratitude daily. It will focus your attention on the positives in your life. I love you.

Amanda said...

I've learned that I cannot replace another's saddness with joy, we must each find it on our own. I am wishing for you that you see this time not as being alone, but as being on a path. Take time to breathe and explore, and yes, cry, but try to balance. You are so bright, in mind and spirit. You have often left sweet words for me, apply them to yourself, lift your chin with open eyes and devour all that is out there for you.

Sandra said...

Oh Lara. I am so sorry to hear how you have been feeling. Exhaustion, shell shock ... all of it. Sometimes you just have to feel it as part of the process. As part of your truth and your path.

I was once told you are only given what you can handle in life ... I know its been a rough, rough road for you ... but you can handle it.

But be gentle with yourself. Each day will get easier. Each day you'll surprise yourself.

It does sound like you have a loving family and friends to rely on for support. Its no wonder given what a wonderful, wonderful person you are.

Sending you big virtual hugs of understanding and support and strength your way.

Anonymous said...


Sleep more. No fewer than eight hours a night.


Lara said...

lala - i like that, about the tapestry. it really is a beautiful thought, and i will try to keep it in mind. thank you much for sharing. you're lovely, too. :)

jo - i bet you do feel that way sometimes too. it's true that i have amazing friends, and that they will help me when i need it. but it's easy to feel alone. i have my moments of pride, but i have a lot of insecure and ashamed moments too.

graham - thanks for reminding me of that quote. you're right - it's hard for me to feel in control of my reactions these days. but you're also right in saying that i'll get there.

mom - yes, baby steps. that's what we're doing. sometimes they're backward, but more often forward. just a little bit each day.

amanda - thank you. you are always so sweet, and i am so grateful for your support via comments. it really and truly brings a smile to my heart.

sandra - thank you very much. i am trying to find a balance between letting myself grieve and distracting myself from the pain. it's been tough, but i am making progress. friends and family have been wonderful, as have you and all my other wonderful blogger supports. so thanks.

harry - mmmmm... sleep would be nice. i think i got three hours last night. :(