I'm uncertain how I'm feeling right now. It's been a rough couple of days for me, and pretty much everything that has upset me has come up with little or no warning, just when I think everything's okay again. How does that happen?
I'm tired of crying all the time. Sometimes it feels like that's all I do. Tpiggy came over last night at 2am, just to sit with me while I cried. And tonight, I was playing the piano while waiting for J. to be ready to go to dinner, and by the time he was ready, I was sobbing again, tears falling on ivory. I'm getting very soggy.
I guess I just... sometimes even with all the warnings, I don't see these things coming. I can't rightly say I'm upset right now, because I don't think I am. I'm just... uncertain, I guess. Mixed emotions, and all that. Part of me glad, part of me confused, part of me wistful - I just don't know how I'll feel from one moment to the next.
Mostly I'm just tired. It's draining, feeling all this emotion all the time. And I'm struggling to learn to be alone. I'm having a tough time learning to depend only on myself, to know that I'm the only one taking care of me anymore. It's just... exhausting sometimes.
I don't really know how to describe it. Shell shock? Maybe that's what this is.
What would you do if you were me?
Day 14 of SaBloBoMo: Illusions by Richard Bach
Talk about a book that will get you thinking. I first read this maybe 10 years ago, and re-read it on loan from a friend about six months ago or so. It's a great book, and I appreciated all the food for thought. It will have you challenging your beliefs - perhaps only towards an end of believing them more strongly for the thought you've put into them, or perhaps eventually getting you to change them completely. For me, I think the book puts into words many things I've always believed, but never been able to express well. Quote that has stayed with me the longest?
"Do not be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is necessary before we can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends."