Exactly 12 hours from now, the first day of the 2009-2010 school year will be officially starting. I have no idea what I am going to wear. I don't even know what SHOES I'm going to wear. Do you know me at all? If so, you will see how big a deal this truly is.
Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day, since I will have a mix of Students Who Have No Idea Who I Am and Students Who Know Me So Well That I'm Slightly Disturbed. In general, I think I'm pretty good at terrifying the Students Who Have No Idea Who I Am. I'm tall, and then I make myself taller by wearing high heels. I smile sparingly, and I glare freely and often. And when that one inordinately brave student makes a joke to ease the tension in the room, I stare icily with one eyebrow raised until he chuckles, coughs, and finally falls silent.
Damn, I'm good.
But the Students Who Know Me So Well That I'm Slightly Disturbed? I don't scare them anymore. They figured me out. They figured out that I'm shy and insecure and all my scariness is actually a way to bluff everyone around me until I feel safe enough to be myself. They figured out that if class gets awkward they can winsomely compliment my boots and make me laugh. They figured out that I am a big, fat FAKEY MCFAKERSON and I am NOT SCARY AT ALL.
So I have no idea how to start my classes tomorrow with this particular combination of students. I do know that I absolutely must find a way to maintain my terrifying reputation, come hell or high water. To that end, here are some of the things I'm considering:
1) Laser eye surgery. Not the normal kind, but a surgery that will actually implant lasers into my eyeballs so that I can shoot at students whenever they piss me off.
2) One of those guns they use at sporting events to shoot t-shirts into the crowds, except instead of t-shirts, I would shoot detention slips. The slip is a consequence in itself, but when you consider the wicked paper cuts that come with the delivery of the slip, it's a double-terror.
3) Land mines. ALL over the classroom. Around certain desks more than others maybe.
4) A trained carnivorous ferret to live in the supply closet. At unexpected moments in class, I can release him with the "KILL!" command and laugh gleefully while the students fight for their lives.
5) Very sharp pointy sticks. Because sometimes keeping it simple is best.
I'll let you know how it goes. Wish me luck?