Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Brokenhearted, Yet Again

Posted by Lara at 12:39 AM
Last month, you all might recall that I had to suddenly rectify an uncomfortable living situation. Only a short two weeks later, I lost my job. I was feeling pretty down - actually, down and getting the crap kicked out of me by life - and I chatted with Batman. "If you're planning to break up with me," I said, "can you just do it now? That way it'll be like three strikes and I can just move away from here and start over somewhere new." He laughed it off and supported me well as I found a new place to live and a new job.

And then today he dumped me.

Okay, I guess 'dumped' is a bit harsh. He came over unexpectedly, and for a moment I thought maybe he'd come to spend a little time with me because he missed me. But no, he came to "talk about us." Well, I thought, that can only mean good things, I'm sure. (Yes, I'm even sarcastic and snarky in my own head.) He said he wanted to just be friends, because there's just no romantic feeling there. I didn't cry, I didn't fight with him, I didn't beg him to change his mind - I just said, "Okay." And after an uncomfortable silence, I told him I had a lot of work to do, and I showed him the door.

Then I started crying, of course. I ran straight to the computer to talk to Tpiglette because, as I described her to my mom, she's my knight in shining armor when the shit comes down. She immediately asked if she could come see me, and I wasn't in a mood to turn down such a comforting presence. I also called my mom, who offered to fly me back out to Vegas for a while to be with her and Seeser, which is actually sounding pretty good right now - it would certainly beat being alone all the time. And with Tpiglette by my side and my mom's voice still in my ears, I cried a whole lot more. In fact, my eyes are still red and puffy, and they sort of sting a bit. As if crying weren't painful enough, I have to suffer all the after-effects too.

After J. and I broke up, he found his new girlfriend almost immediately, and they've been together ever since. I, on the other hand, am clearly not doing very well at this whole post-engagement dating thing. The only truly successful relationships I've had since breaking off my engagement have been the ones that have had absolutely no future. The guys I've dated in the hopes of something long term? They all seem to lose interest in me in the 6-8 week range. And it's not like I've attracted all that many of them, so it's been 6-8 weeks of an awesome relationship - which is just enough time for me to get fully emotionally invested - followed by
months of loneliness and pining. Boy, I'm really excited to be starting up a new cycle of THAT.

Part of me is mad at him - why couldn't he have done what I asked him to do last month? Couldn't he have just broken up with me then? I could have moved to Vegas, or SoCal, or Boston, and started fresh somewhere new. What's the point of making me work through those first two transitions only to have to endure a new one afterwards? Part of me believes it worked out that way because I really am meant to be at my new high school in the fall. If I'd moved, I would've missed that opportunity, and I know that it's going to be a good thing for me. But part of me just wants to run and hide from the heartache, and now I can't do that.

Of course, part of me is just down on myself. Yes, I know, logically, I'm pretty sure there's nothing wrong with me. More likely, something's wrong with the timing of the relationships I've had so far. But when someone comes up and basically says, "I'm just not that into you," it's hard not to self-assess. I had concerns through our entire relationship about how good-looking he was - that I wasn't attractive enough to hold him. Maybe that's the problem there. And of course, there's always the "maybe I was too crazy / emotional / depressed / batshit insane for him" theory. Why can't I seem to get a guy to want to stay? I'm intriguing at first, then I drive them away.

How many times will I have to go through this before I find the guy who'll stick around? One who'll love me and laugh with me and be my best friend - why is that too much to ask?

43 comments:

tpiglette on 1:09 AM said...

You know what I think, and I won't be all horribly cliched here. But just because they're cliches doesn't mean I don't believe them wholeheartedly for you. I won't try to be all cheery either, because this is sucky, for sure. But I'm here for you and praying for you, as always.

When you can't bring yourself to believe the things I'm sure everyone will remind you of here, we'll be believing them for you until you can join us again.

In the meantime, have some Cheetos and coffee ice cream? :)

See you again soon, my dear friend.

Guilty Secret on 2:51 AM said...

(((Lara)))

CityStreams on 4:10 AM said...

So the whole lesbian post thing that popped up on Google Reader. What was that about? I'm confused.

distractedspunk on 5:17 AM said...

Oh hun. Boys suck, no matter how you slice it. It is pretty bad timing on his part, and you have every right to be angry at him.

But you can't think of yourself as a failure. Think of it this way: Do you really want to be with someone who isn't capable of treating you the way you deserve?

Michelle S. on 5:40 AM said...

I am married 7 years and I can still agree with distracted spunk and say that Boys suck...almost all the time *wink*. I wil skip saying anything cliche and just say that if you ever do want to move to Boston I would love to hang out with you!

Jill B on 5:53 AM said...

Aww babe, I understand. I'm sorry.
LOVES,
JillBe

pincushionpoints on 7:16 AM said...

Oh Lara, I am so sorry. Can I come over and kick some batman butt?

Dee on 7:38 AM said...

So sorry to hear about this. I've been really behind in blog reading lately and didn't know about any of that stuff. I'm sure things will take a turn for the better soon and I'll be praying for you dear.

BEtsy on 8:38 AM said...

Well, shit.

tali said...

***hugs***

ps - You're "attractive enough to hold" anybody, Batman certainly included.
pps - Will I still see you this evening? I hope so, because cyber hugs are just not as good.

Graham on 9:01 AM said...

I'll have to respectfully disagree with distractedspunk's comment that "boys suck," but she does have a point about the rest of it. You don't just want to get a guy to stay with you. You want to get the RIGHT guy to stay with you. Sometimes you'll do the rejecting, and sometimes they'll select themselves out. Either way, long term, it's not someone you want.

As for "the post-engagement dating thing," I think you're doing well simply by being in the game. You can't hit it out of the park and get an engagement every single time so the more frogs you kiss now, the sooner you'll get a home run. (To mix the cliched metaphors tpiglette so kindly refrained from.)

Still, right now it sucks and I'm sorry and I wish there was more we could all do for you. Lots of hugs. Take care of yourself.

East Coast Teacher on 9:13 AM said...

After having dealt with several failed relationships these past few years myself, I can only say, no, you don't want to be with a man who doesn't appreciate you, treat you the way you should be treated, blah, blah.

I learned that after getting my heart broken a few times.

I also learned that once the anger subsides and the tears stop, I'm much happier without all that drama in my life.

Mr. Right (or rather, Mr. Right For You) is out there somewhere. When the time is right, he'll appear.

Or, at least, that's what I keep telling myself :)

{{{HUGS}}}

Mojo on 9:17 AM said...

Lara,

Let me share with you some of the wisdom that can only come from living a long time.

1. You are a beautiful, intelligent, creative, sensitive, loving, funny woman well deserving of an equally beautiful, intelligent, creative, sensitive, loving, funny mate.

2. The reason you haven't yet found yourself in the relationship you describe is simple. You haven't yet found the person who deserves you.

3. Such a person does exist, and my deepest, most profound hope is that you find each other soon.

4. Until that happens, lean on those people who offer support. Take the hands that are held out to help you up. And believe the voices that validate your immeasurable worth as a human being. Know this: as much as you hurt at this moment, you are loved. And loved well.

5. Cheetos and coffee ice cream? please... not together!

alyndabear on 9:42 AM said...

I am sorry hon.. nothing else to say but be strong and the time will come.

Hugs.

the kaiser on 10:28 AM said...

Sigh.

I know it's tough but you do have a bunch of people on your side. I'm still one of 'em. Chin up, kid.

Maggie on 11:36 AM said...

I'm sorry Lara - that's never a fun place to be in. But I have to agree with Graham - you don't just want a guy...you want the RIGHT guy to stick around.

Hang in there -- as they say, this too shall pass...

Natalie on 12:39 PM said...

I think you know what I think too. Right hand, third finger.

My Life My Life My Life on 3:54 PM said...

i'm going to go out on a cliche limb here...

Lady, you ask the very questions we women as ourselves on a daily basis or at least when this shit happens. I think it is part of our screwed pysche to do it...

that being said, I'm sure that doesnt make u feel any better. right now nothing probably will but some sort of understanding of the why's and why not.

you may never have the answers to those questions in regards to your past relationships but use those past relationships to build a better understanding of you.

after all, that 'he' that you speak of, he is going through some crap on his own and its all to become a better man for you.

BetteJo on 5:10 PM said...

You are fine, there is nothing wrong with you. Everybody has issues, you're just honest about yours and for those who can't handle that - you'll find someone better.

And attractive? Honestly I'm not kidding when I say you are positively adorable. I've said it from the moment I started reading you.

Stupid boys. They don't recognize what's right in front of them because they are always looking for the next best thing.

Sorry you're going through one more thing. Gah! Glad you are willing to share, I think that's helpful.

(((hugs)))

CityStreams on 5:42 PM said...

I'm sorry if I sounded calloused. I know you're going through hell right now. I didn't realize how rude my comment sounded until I stopped by just now.

I hope that there are plenty of joyful days ahead to balance out these gray ones. Keep your head up. You've got too much potential to waste it on someone who doesn't value it.

Anonymous said...

Here's how you can snag a guy:
1) Stop being so fucking crazy, or at least learn to hide it better.

THAT'S IT.

Seriously, I told you before that no one but a seriously desperate guy would date a girl who's so obviously unhinged. And desperate guys, once the desperation wears off, don't stick around. For almost ANY other trait (fat, thin, tall, short, etc) there's at least one self-respecting man out there who goes nuts for it, but psycho is ALWAYS a dealbreaker.

That is all.

Lara on 7:09 PM said...

anonymous - first, don't be a coward. if you're going to be unnecessarily cruel, at least own up to it.

second, i may be alone here (though i doubt it), but i think your comment was completely uncalled for. you don't need to be mean just for meanness' sake.

flutter on 7:32 PM said...

Oh anonymous...you sweet thing. A charmer, really you must be to kick someone when they are down.

Perhaps "crazy" is a deal killer for you, but I am pretty sure "mean spirited asswipe" is a deal breaker for everyone else.

Go back under your bridge now.

Lisa on 7:53 PM said...

Oh Lara! I so know EXACTLY where you are, having been there many many many times myself. And I got SO sick of everyone telling me "it will happen...you will find the right person..." etc. But. It's horribly true. One day someone will walk into your life that will love your light and your dark. That will love your quirks and all of the things that make you uniquely you. It WILL happen. And it will blow your mind with how EASY it is. And you will realize that all of the other relationships that came before were jokes compared to this one TRUE thing. Hang in there.....

franz the dan savage wannabe said...

Yikes, 'anonymous' is kind of scary. Possibly some random Interneteer pretending to know you?

I think what he says is fundamentally wrong, at least from the perspective of a long-term relationship. Courageous emotional openness is probably the only thing that can keep two people together their whole lives. (Okay, a tragic accident involving super glue might work too.) My guess is you know that and possibly demand that kind of openness earlier in a relationship than other women (and good for you, I say). Moreover, I think many guys are not good at being really open. (I hope this limb doesn't break...nope, it's solid.) Putting the two together, my guess is that you -- or any discerning woman -- will have to do a lot of searching before you find the right guy.

If I were a woman, I would be a lesbian. So much easier. More seriously, if the most essential qualities you're looking for is a good friend and an effective partner in parenting, a woman may well be better than a man. Heck, we hear all the time that sex dies a few years into a marriage, so marrying against your sexual orientation hardly seems to matter in the long term.

Apologies if this comment was a tad too opinionated. I just got back from a long bike ride and am riding an endorphin wave. There is no accounting for my behavior at such times.

Dave on 12:17 AM said...

I'm afraid I have to disagree with the facilitators here, Lara. Perhaps "anonymous" (and I know who *HE* is) didn't find the most tactful way to say what he said, but there is a kernel of truth in there that's worth considering. What's happened to you and how you feel now is neither bad luck nor the world conspiring against you. You have played some role in all of it, and it's time for you to do some introspection (i.e., for your yourself, not for a blog audience) and make some changes in your life. These people above aren't much help, either, so I'd take what they say with a grain of salt -- it's pretty easy for someone to type "aw, Lara, it's not your fault, you're a wonderful person, etc." and then go on their merry way, never taking any responsibility for actually HELPING you or taking on the challenge of giving you honest feedback and advice. It's time to look within, Lara, and see if some change is warranted. And it's time to get some friends to give you more than pats on the back. I'm willing to give it a shot, so if you're up for real discussion, you know where to find me.

Lara on 12:26 AM said...

dave - i also know who *HE* is. but i still don't think what he said was called for. calling my psycho doesn't seem constructive in any way, shape, or form, so even if he does think i have some flaws, there are better ways to bring that up.

also, the fact that people are willing to offer support does not at all mean that i assume i'm perfect as i am and don't need to do some introspection (and what makes you think blogging isn't an inherently introspective activity? i am, after all, writing about myself and my feelings). of course i've played some role in everything that's happened - a pretty central role, given that it's all in my life. and having unconditional support DOES help - it gives me a reason to keep moving forward and making any changes that i might decide will help my life. you also have no way of knowing whether these people are doing more than what they say here, since you don't receive the emails and phone calls that i do.

however, i understand that you, at least, are trying to be constructive and productive, and i do appreciate that. i'm certainly not going to claim perfection, and disagreement is welcome, so long as it's respectful and not cruel.

franz the mouse said...

By the way, as I've written before, you're very beautiful (and super cute too!).

You have a lot to give a person; but many young men (and young women, I'm sure) haven't experienced enough in the world to see a special gift when it is given to them. I think the world is full of such gifts -- complex and beautiful things one can see and feel only if one has been prepared.

Lara on 12:32 AM said...

oh, and to everyone else, thank you for all the support. it DOES help, and means so much to me. thank you.

William on 1:09 AM said...

Lara, I already talked to you, so you know my feelings on the matter.

Still though, the implicit criticism of the posters here also strikes me as uncalled for.

I can't necessarily speak for Lara, but the day that I want "tough love" without any "Things are going to be okay eventually" is the day I become the world's most mature person. Not gonna happen.

Mrs. Chili on 12:30 PM said...

Sweetie, it's not too much to ask.

Any chance you can come to Boston for at least a long weekend?

Anonymous said...

First, I think it's hilarious that YOU are calling me out for using a pseudonym.

Second, what I said wasn't intended to be harsh, nice, critical, supportive, or any of that nonsense. It was just the truth. If it bothers you, ignore it.

Third, none of these people know you. Me, Dave, and JittaCatGirl do, and we're all saying the same thing: get involved in activities. Be optimistic. Lace up your running shoes and start down the road to happiness, rather than continually talking about how rocky it is.

Finally, do you really need me to explain what I meant by "Psycho", or why it's a deal-breaker? Quit being depressed and miserable and unstable, and start being nice, fun, and happy.

Justin on 6:03 PM said...

I applaud Anonymous for pointing out that most of us have pseudonyms. However, Lara has plenty of pictures up on her blog, so I'd love to see one of you. That seems fair. Otherwise, congratulations on discovering what no one else on the Internet has ever found out - you can flame anonymously! What a pioneer!

Unfortunately, Anonymous is wrong to assume that "none of these people" knows Lara other than Dave, Jitta and our Anonymous hero. There are at least five other commenters on this post who certainly know Lara quite well - and, I suspect, much better than anonymous does. I'd be willing to wager quite a bit on that last point.

Whether or not Lara is "psycho," Anonymous is also wrong on guys not dating "psycho" girls. From simple observation, that's simply not true, and is a gross oversimplification of why relationships end. I know plenty of guys, including some good friends, who are dating girls I consider pretty crazy. Of course, I'm not endorsing "psycho-ness," and I do think that being optimistic and happy is a good thing, but name-calling is fairly worthless - especially when the poster is nameless.

Whatever the absolute truth is, good luck getting far in life forgetting about the rest of that "nonsense" - being nice, critical, supportive, or all the rest. Ironic for someone purportedly giving dating advice. Who needs interpersonal skills, anyway? I hear they're overrated.

Blogger said...

Sorry Lara, that sucks.

As for anonymous, the truth is his comments are mean, not helpful, and apparently have a different agenda. It actually tops the list by far for meanest words I have witnessed in public by "friend." Those comments aren't just hurtful and unhelpful to you but really to anyone who deals with depression or any other mental disorder and how it might affect their relationships at some time in their lives.

And "psycho" is apparently subjective. There is nothing I have read about in this blog that I would consider psycho. On the other hand, there are some people I do think are a bit crazy who other people think are wonderful, and vice versa.

I am thankful that you have such wonderful friends as tpiglette and others here.

Ostrich said...

Anonymous, meet me at the Stanford football field at 10pm on Thursday night.

I'll be the guy anonymously kicking your ass.

infin81 on 11:10 PM said...

Hi Lara,

I know how you feel. Any situation involving emotion is never easy.

I don't know how to send you a private message or I would; I'm not a good public thought poster.

Be strong! :)

Marcus Aurelius on 11:29 PM said...

by anonymous, 3:15PM:
[...] What I said wasn't intended to be harsh, nice, critical, supportive, or any of that nonsense. It was just the truth.


Ok, let's take a look:

by anonymous, 6:28PM:
Here's how you can snag a guy:
1) Stop being so fucking crazy,


This is your truth?

or at least learn to hide it better.

This is your truth?

no one but a seriously desperate guy would date a girl who's so obviously unhinged.

This is your truth?

And desperate guys, once the desperation wears off, don't stick around.

As is...

For almost ANY other trait (fat, thin, tall, short, etc) there's at least one self-respecting man out there who goes nuts for it, but psycho is ALWAYS a dealbreaker.

... this?

by anonymous, 3:15PM:
[...]Be optimistic.


Just like you are?

Lace up your running shoes and start down the road to happiness,

The same road you're on?

Finally, do you really need me to explain what I meant by "Psycho", or why it's a deal-breaker?

No. You've done a pretty good job of demonstrating it.

Quit being depressed and miserable and unstable, and start being nice, fun, and happy.

When the extent of your unskillfulness sinks in, I hope you have the decency to apologize to Lara.

The price of passionate speech is the occasional "sorry". Why not simply mend the bridge you seem intent on burning?

I mean, come on, if you're preaching optimism, at least pretend to be optimistic yourself!

flutter on 12:00 AM said...

Dude.

Unless we are her therapist none of us has the right to call anyone psycho or suggest that we know a better way for her to "fix" what's going on.

It's a pretty damned arrogant person to think they have all the answers. Seems to me some sour grapes are leaking onto certain unsavory keyboards.

You think she's nuts? Quit reading the blog, or better yet, look at the kind of friend you have been to her and maybe suggest practical things as opposed to "suck it up". depression doesn't work like that and unless you have a medical degree don't even begin to tell me otherwise.

Mom101 on 4:21 AM said...

Oh I'm so sorry Lara. I can still hear the same sentiments echoing in my own head even five years after my single days came to a close. It's a common refrain until you find the guy, and then it's just all a blessed memory.

Tell the universe "This...or something better."

The problem with men by the way, is not that they all suck - they don't. But that they don't always need to fix things. Or you. And that sometimes it's just okay to say "there, there Lara" and give you a little sympathy when you need it.

Sometimes your need to feel supported trumps anyone else's need to "be honest with you." (Let alone anonymously in a public forum.)

Jackie on 11:48 AM said...

Lara,

I'm obviously behind on these readings. I don't know you personally, but I have so much respect for you based on the little I do know from reading this blog.

I suffer from SAD and sometimes depression for no reason at all. I have a huge amount of bipolar relatives including my mother (who also has a whole lotta other issues) and a few aunts/uncles. My brother has tried to kill himself twice. My mother, several times. I have never tried but it's been a consideration in the long-ago past. I am a cutter (though it's been a long time, I still fight the urge.)

My husband knows all of this. He's witnessed some truly "crazy" moments of depression. He's watched what my family has gone through with my mother and brother.

And he has stayed with me through it all. And I truly believe he will stay forever.

And I truly, truly believe YOU will find that too.

People who are not depressed don't understand depression. You can't just "Be Happy". And being depressed also doesn't mean that you're going to go "psycho" (Definitely the wrong word choice.) But plenty of people, even the ones who don't understand, will love you no matter what.

Sorry my comment turned into a book. Just wanted to put my two cents in.

Lindz on 11:52 AM said...

Hang in there chica. I gave you all of the advice that I have in my last comment but know that if you need to escape to another west coast state, there is much nature to be taken in here.

Oh and write it out girl. That always helps me.

Sara on 6:47 PM said...

Oh Lara, I'm so terribly sorry. His loss in my opinion. But I know that doesn't help.

I did want to say though. In highschool, I was a sad, lonely girl, locked inside a depression I wouldn't learn to live with for years.

Maybe my story would be a bit different if I had had a teacher like you. Someone who had been there. Someone close enough in the age rang to still appear human and not freakishly perserved like the old teachers seem.

Maybe that's why batman waited. Maybe somekid will be slumping in a seat in your class room come fall. Needing to hang on every word of encouragement you say.

I'm, real proud of you. I wish I could be your student.

Dingo said...

Oh no! I'm sorry this comment is so late. I'm so behind on blog reading and commenting. Because everyone has already said what I want to say, I'll just say, Ditto Mojo.

I'm thinking about you and sending hugs. Send me your address and I'll get some Ben and Jerry's right over. But it'll melt. So I'll go ahead and eat it on your behalf.

 

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