More Sunday Google-age

Since I seem to be completely incapable of getting any work done (despite the fact that my academic and professional futures are kind of riding on that), let's have some more metadata fun, shall we? Yes, let's shall.

I think most of this week's searches can fall into a category I like to call...

That Can't Be Healthy!

nappy rash wikipedia - Okay, recalling my (admittedly very small) understanding of other dialects of English, I'm fairly certain Brits and Canadians sometimes call diapers "nappies," which makes this much less disturbing than what *I* first thought when I read it.

Bulimia and working out - I'm really not sure you should be mixing the two. Actually, bulimia just probably isn't a good idea, with or without the working out. If you're going to stick with one, I'd keep the exercise. I bet most health care professionals would back me up on this one.

Traveling without Moving - Wow! How do you DO that? Doesn't it hurt? Or is this just a "mental vacation"? Because you should probably keep in mind that they're not real. Otherwise you're just insane, and fun as that is for a while, you should try to keep a grip on reality sometimes, too.

i don't love myself - That's sad. I can relate, but I also know that's not healthy. You should work on that, if you can. I am.

student who don't sleep enough - Student who don't know grammar good, neither. Don't worry, if you're in high school or above, not getting enough sleep is pretty much par for the course for students. Teachers too, as it turns out.

self-mutilation + thumbtack - Ooh, bad idea. I have lots of tasteless jokes to make here, because that's how my humor works. However, I'll just say that you should seek some help as soon as you can. And stay away from thumbtacks as much as possible.

heating duct "clicking noise" - Do you have any enemies? People who might want to cause you harm? Like, say, by planting a bomb in your house? Snapping turtles in the bathtub? Anything?

my friend outgrew me taller - Gee, that's rough. Were you totally pissed? I'd cut him/her off at the ankles if I were you. Although you should understand that if you do so, he/she may not want to be friends anymore.

"stuck in the toilet" "fell in" - (And again I say thanks to Seeser for sharing that story.) If you're stuck in the toilet because you fell in, try to call for help as calmly as possible. Do not - I repeat, DO NOT - scream "Ajax!" repeatedly, as this will result in snickering at your expense. For many, many years.

friend is an enabler - In what is this friend enabling you? Because if it's armed robbery or serial murder or something like that, I'd ditch that friend as soon as possible. Something like shoe shopping? Maybe that's not so bad.

yawn all the time because i feel like i can't breathe - Interesting phenomenon you're describing here. Is it that you feel like you can only breathe when you yawn? Or does the yawning calm the anxiety and panic that rises every time you think about the fact that IF YOU CAN'T BREATHE, YOU DIE? 'Cause that would certainly freak me out.

inability to talk during group therapy - Too nervous? I was really nervous my first time, that first day when I was in the hospital, but it gets easier. Or is yours a physical inability? Did you swallow your tongue in a bout of anxiety? Have they got you bound and gagged in some weird torturous hazing ritual? Your group therapy is weird.

dream performing an exorcism - I'd talk to someone about this if I were you. Who, exactly, was the subject of this exorcism?

unreasonable expectations for teacher - Ah, you've noticed these too? They're everwhere, aren't they? And so not helpful... for any of us.

my tears deny - What do they deny? That they exist? That you are happy and healthy? That you have all your sh*t together when really you're falling apart? Deny them back and see how they like it.

trident gum made me crap myself - Are you SERIOUS?! That's a lawsuit waiting to happen, buddy! What flavor was it? 'Cause I do NOT want that happening to me. Ugh. Were you somewhere public? 'Cause if you were, and someone got it on tape, that's also an America's Funniest Video waiting to happen.

Name-Dropping

tali teacher jacksonville - Hmmm. The only Tali I know is not a teacher, nor is she in Jacksonville. You must be thinking of someone else. This is not the Tali you're looking for.

"her bad mother" - This one? Or this one? They're both pretty awesome, and not at all bad, except in that "so good she's bad" sort of way. I find it funny that you actually searched for "her bad mother" and still managed to come here instead of to HBM's place.

lara blogspot - I'm going to go out on a limb here and say I think you might have been looking for me. Welcome! I'm so glad you were able to find me! Especially given that you had the vast majority of my URL in your search terms.

sassy books - Well, my books can be a bit sassy at times, but if you want real sass, you should head over for a visit with this lady. She can sass it up like nobody's business.

tali poison - Hey! Leave my Tali alone! She is all kinds of sweetness and good, and I will kick anybody's ass who says otherwise. Not to mention the fact that Kev would be extremely unamused by attempts to poison his ladylove.

blogspot justin michael makayla - Wow, this is quite a busy search you've got going here. Justin never posts anymore, so you're out of luck there. I'm sure there are many Michael's in the blogosphere, but the only Michael I know is in a much better place, and I doubt he's blogging from there. (Sigh. I really miss that kid. Still hard to believe he's gone.) And Makayla (named for aforementioned Michael) is much too young to be blogging, but her mommy has a blog that she never updates! Does that help you at all?

fetus the wonderbaby - Wow, that's exciting-sounding. Unfortunately, WonderBaby is most definitely not a fetus anymore. She is a small child with big aspirations, mostly (or so it seems) to cause her mommy to go prematurely gray with worry.

mean to hurt lara "didn t" -laura - Awww, it's like an extremely stilted apology letter to me, from someone named Laura. Well, thanks, Laura, but I don't know why you're apologizing. Are you that bi- er, mean lady who cut me off in the Safeway parking lot last week? 'Cause if so, I do NOT accept your apology. That kind of recklessness is just flat-out uncalled for in parking lots on non-holidays, thankyouverymuch.

And finally, I must say thanks to these folks:

the perfect personal narrative - Aw, shucks, do you really think so? I'm not sure I'd say it's perfect, but it was pretty good, wasn't it? Did you cry when you read it? 'Cause that seems to be the most common response so far.

i love you darling - Well, I love you too. Who are you?

I LOVE MYSELF - Thanks for sharing, but it'd be more interesting to me if you loved me. See above for an example.

Any good stats from y'all for this week?