I've Been Waiting All Week...

Another day, another dollar. By which I mean: Another Sunday, more Google-age! It's come to my attention recently that not everyone is entirely clear on the premise behind Sunday Google-age. Here's how it works: I use SiteMeter.com to check stats on my traffic. One of the ways I can monitor my traffic is by referral. This means I see who visited my site by where they clicked from - if they clicked from someone else's site, for example, I'll see that site listed. (As an aside, this has occasionally led me to discover new sites that have kindly included me in their links list.) When they click from a Google search, it shows me what they searched for that led them to my site. And that, dear readers, is what Sundays are all about - enjoying the insane searches that led stray readers here. So, on with the Google-age, beginning with

Quick Responses:

"hobo teacher" - Try here.

swingdaddy - Try here.

who sang "feels like home to me" in the movie how to lose a guy in ten days? - Chantal Kreviazuk.

stop wear perfume in the office - Will do.

what is TMI? - "Too Much Information."

does a male foot fetish mean he's gay? - Nope, just weird.

back of hooters shirt saying - "Delightfully tacky, yet unrefined."

how to eat ostrich poo - Don't.

opposite of happiness - Sadness.

thank you love - You're welcome.

Moving On...

how do i love myself - Let me count the ways...

crush female teacher - Okay, there are two ways to take this, and neither one is very good. Either you have a crush on a female teacher, in which case I can tell you from experience that this likely makes her very uncomfortable (though the Mary Kay Letourneau story leads me to believe this isn't always the case). Or you want to crush your female teacher, in which case I think you should seek some anger management assistance.

smells of hallways - Well, it depends on the hallways. Hospital hallways smell like bleach and death. My mom's hallways smell like home. It's really quite a range of possibilities.

The spoken word cannot be retracted - Well, thanks for the tip. Can it be distracted? How about detracted? Protracted? Can it be -tracted in any way, shape, or form?

how to say things in a happy bunny way? - Basically, be as mean as you can, while still smiling. Just start insulting people any way you can think of - how they dress, the way they talk, who they're with, what they're saying, etc. If you hang out with losers, you'll find this is actually quite easy. If you hang out with cool people, well, you'll still find it's easier than you think.

i live like a Klingon - Good for you! Or maybe not... I actually have no idea how a Klingon lives.

tickle friends - Is this like f--- buddies? Friends with benefits? Tickle friends? I find this weird, and not a little disturbing. Maybe your friends don't want to be tickled - did you ever think of that?

musty smell in bathroom after rain - Maybe your bathroom is just really moldy. You should probably have that looked at.

leggs nickname - Yes, this is one of my nicknames. It came from Bobo, my sister's best friend from high school. One day, she just started calling me "Leggs" - she'd show up at our house to pick up Seeser and she'd be all, "What's up, Leggs?" Finally, I said, "Why do you call me that?" and she looked me up and down with a raised eyebrow before replying, "Because that's all you are." It's stuck ever since.

sandra librarian - No, no, no. You've got it all wrong. Sandra is not a librarian. I only know one librarian, and it's this lady.

my mother amazing - Hey! My mother is amazing, too! What a coincidence! Seeser, is that you?

let's laugh day - I like this idea. We need a National "Let's Laugh!" Day. We'll all just laugh at everything, all day long. Doesn't that sound fun? Bubbers thinks so...

we could'not stop laughing narrative - Boy, the laughter is flowing abundantly today, huh? What, exactly was this narrative that had you laughing so hard? 'Cause I seriously doubt it was mine. If it was, I think you have some serious mental issues to deal with.

me and the therapist asking me to draw a snake why? - I have no idea. Maybe you should look into getting a new therapist.

origin of common sayings such as "bang for your buck" - See next search.

downtown vegas hooker - See previous search.

obsession can do wonderful things - Interesting, because I've never personally thought so. Mostly, I think it just gets in the way of healthy stalkin- er, relationships. Or do you mean the perfume? 'Cause I've been asked not to wear perfume in the office anymore, or didn't you read the first section?

i am misunderstood poem - I am misunderstood poet. We should get together sometime.

friends farting sleepover - Okay, I have no idea what you were hoping to find with this search, but I have to thank you for the hours of laughter that have come out of my finding this in my stats. Seriously, every time I see it, I laugh some more. Ladybug - do you have anything to say about this?

poison from palm frond - Sounds dangerous to me. Can you get the antidote from the bark?

she sneezes archie comics - She does?! Interesting. I sneeze mucus, which I've always thought was pretty okay. But now I'm thinking it could be really cool to sneeze something else. Can I sneeze designer shoes?

Thoughtful things to say about mothers - Well there are so many, really. Here on this blog, I've said some thoughtful things about my own mother, Her Bad Mother, and mothers in general. I encourage you all to think of some thoughtful things to say about your mothers, and maybe even say them directly to her. Moms seem to like that kind of stuff.

"gownless evening strap" - My dyslexia tells me there's nothing wrong with this, but after further thought, I've decided maybe you meant to search for a "strapless evening gown." Am I right?

settling down a rowdy class of students - There are a number of ways to go about this. With my students, I sit silently and give "the look." It usually takes only a few seconds for them to notice and start shushing each other. But you really have to have a good "look" for that to work. Personally, I think mine's pretty good.

Thanks for playing along for another week of Google-age!