I’ll tell you something that’s sort of representative of my difficulty in setting big goals for myself these days. Remember when I wrote about the progress I’d made in being able to avoid cutting? The first evening I came back to my new apartment instead of going “home,” I had a similarly tough time, crying a lot and sort of wanting to take that easy route to make myself feel better. But again, I didn’t. My therapist asked me later how I managed to make it through without hurting myself, because by focusing on that, we could figure out ways to continue making positive progress. And I admitted to her that I made it through by telling myself, “Not yet.”
I didn’t say, “No, I won’t cut myself.” I told myself, “I won’t cut myself yet.” I said, “I’ll wait a few more minutes.” Is that good? Is that positive? It’s not ideal – ideally I would just tell myself I wouldn’t do it at all; ideally, the thought wouldn't have come up in the first place. But you know what? “Not yet” stalled me long enough that I could eventually get up without hurting myself. And I think that’s pretty good for now.
When people have asked me what my resolutions are, I usually say I don’t have any. But occasionally I’ve said that my only resolution is to get out of bed every day. When I said it, I mostly meant it as, “I have no resolution, because just getting out of bed is hard enough most days.” I’ve realized, however, that it’s actually not bad as a resolution. As the Eggman said recently, it’s clear and quantifiable. And really, I think it’s a good goal. Literally, I am going to get out of bed and out of the house at least once every day. Even if that means just going for a walk around my apartment complex. I will get up and do something every single day. Combining this with trying to stay more connected to other people, maybe I can get out to lunch or dinner dates with friends, watch a movie with my cool roommate, or study more with Dre, OP, and/or Charcoal. Whatever it takes, I will not let myself waste away in a depressed pile in bed.
That’s my resolution. It's the only one I can make for now, but I've made it.
On a totally unrelated note, sometimes I surprise myself with how ahead of the curve I am in the blogosphere. Remember when I invited my lurkers to delurk? Apparently, I was just too advanced for my own good, because apparently, this whole week is delurking week. That's right, time to delurk! And this means not just here, on my blog, but on all the blogs you read. Normally not a commenter? Leave one anyway. Get out there, say hello, and give the bloggers you adore some comment lovin'. It will make them happy. It will make me happy. :)
Day 8 of SaBloBoMo: Oh, the Places You'll Go! by Dr. Seuss
Perhaps my favorite children's book of all time, and I didn't encounter it until long after I was grown up. It was one of these books that people always seemed to be buying for other people at graduation or for some other significant life experience. I even bought it myself for some friends. I always wanted someone to buy it for me - to think I was going places enough that I deserved a book that said so. But eventually I just bought it for myself.
What I love most about this book is that it's honest in a way that lots of kids' books aren't. Yes, it tells the kids about all the exciting places they'll visit in their futures, all the hope, all the promise, all the beauty that awaits. But it also tells them, "Except when you don't, because sometimes you won't." It tells them sometimes bad stuff will happen too, that sometimes they'll get stuck in a yucky place and it will seem like they'll never get out. And then it tells them they will.
Yeah, I need this book these days.