After a hospital visit from OP and Miss Ish, I was looking at a card they had made for me. They had printed out a picture (to left) of us from the summer, and written a note on the back for me. As I looked at that picture, it hit me all of a sudden: I came pretty close to just not being here anymore, and all that would have been left would have been pictures. Suddenly I realized what a scary thought that was, that I really could have just disappeared, and existed only in photographs and people's memories. It was strange, and a bit disturbing, to think like that, and I realized I was glad to be recovering. And despite obstacles I'm encountering along the way, I still am glad to be recovering. So, to help with said recovery, we have The Plan:
First, I need to work hard not to isolate myself. I need to surround myself with social support, and, even more importantly, I need to use that support. I cannot do it all on my own, and I need to accept my friends’ offers of help. I cannot let myself shut down again.
I need to work on eating better. I’ve lost almost ten pounds since going to the hospital (which means almost twenty pounds since February), and while I got lots of “You look great!” comments when I went out in my new dress last weekend (retail therapy!), that’s sort of frightening. I’m not eating much anymore, and I really need to try to change that. Eating will give me the energy to work on getting better.
I need to get more sleep. I’m still having trouble falling asleep at night – still too much on my mind. Combined with not eating well, not being well-rested enough is a major contributing factor to my depression. And it isn't making school any easier either.
Perhaps more than anything else, I need to be me again – independent of anyone or anything else. And I need to be okay with who that is. I’m not even sure I know anymore, but I’m simultaneously terrified and excited to find out.
So that’s where we’re headed for now; those are the goals from here. There are other goals – bigger goals – but we’re taking this a step at a time, and for the moment, that’s where we’re at.
And all in all, that's really not such a bad place to be.
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Thus ends a week-long explanation of my recent drama. Which is, of course, not to say I won't still be talking about it long into the future. It's still on my mind, constantly, but so are other things. So now we move back into real-time blogging. I can't thank you all enough for reading and sending me support through all of this. You all are totally amazing, and I love each and every one of you. Always and forever.
14 comments:
Excellent goals. I'm glad you're coming out of such a scary time with a positive plan to change for the better.
To zero in on one thing you said: Not only can you not "do it all" on your own, you're not even supposed to try. Part of being human is needing help sometimes, just as part of being human is helping your friends. You've got to let that dynamic play out regardless of which side you're on, because sooner or later it will be flipped.
Thank you for sharing so openly. Good luck with The Plan, and lots of hugs.
*hug* We'll always be here. We'll remind you of you if you forget. We have lots of memories (and pictures!), and I know we'll make more. (Don't let the sheared alpaca get you, though...)
You rock! Do you know that? But what I mean to say is, YOU ROCK! (If that doesn't sound right, talk to me about what Laurie does that makes me laugh every time she does it).
I miss you dearly and cannot wait to see you again (in class, in DTPA, out and about, it doesn't matter!).
oooooh! ALSO, i've decided that you and i get to eat dessert more often. i'm thinking Coldstone's this week. maybe some pie from the Creamery or Marie Calendar's after that? yeah, mmmmmm. OR, OR, OR (!) some GELATO!!!!
mainly, the food is an excuse to hang out with you. not that we need an excuse, but it's fun to eat and hang out at the same time (if nothing else, it's efficient).
catch me sometime and give me a not-so-phantom hug. i'll give you one right back. aren't hugs the best? remember, you really can't hug yourself. you need someone to squish and someome to squish you right back!
okay, i'm just rambling now, so i'll end this. see you soon!
Next time we get dinner together, we're going to strike fear into the owners of the restaurant, because we are going to eat SO MUCH they might go out of business.
Also, apparently next time we eat together, we're going to have to find a buffet...
I regained a few pounds at home! :) We can get back to regular playing weight together.
The fact you have goals is awesome. And you're right. Too many times, we take on too much all by ourselves. Use your social network, be glad you've got it and you can let them in.
And it's true, the eating WILL give you energy, and hopefully that will effect your sleeping patterns too.
*hugs*
It gladdens me to see the outpouring of support you've received and allowed. Don't ever believe that you're on your own.
I suspect there will be further hurdles on your road to recovery, but I've seen you smile again. I'm glad the hope is back.
You are truly amazing.
-TB (still wants to be BB)
Good to see you have a plan. I hope you stay on some anti-depressants for awhile also but that may be some of the "other things" you were talking about.
I wish you love and luck in your journey!
I watched your eating efforts, all without my nudging, and I could see the determination to try, to go as far as you thought you could and then to take a little more. I am proud of you. I see this effort as a part of the bigger picture in your plan for health and I saw many other steps headed in a healthy direction when you were here. I am grateful to have witnessed all of it. I love you.
graham - it's very true. humans are social beings - we aren't meant to be isolated. it's just hard for me to feel that way sometimes. it's easy for me to feel like i'd be bothering people, or that i'm some horrible burden on everyone, and it keeps me from reaching out. but i'm working on remembering to ask for help when i need it.
tpiglette - no! not the sheared alpaca! run away! :-P i am soooo looking forward to this weekend! :)
OP - i DO rock! you're RIGHT! (and yeah, i know what you're talking about with laurie.) thanks for the hug today. i'm looking forward to dinner on thursday!
justin - well, the part of me that wants to be healthy is looking forward to regaining a few pounds. the girl part of me is still sort of hoping to keep dropping them off... :-P
aly - see my comment to justin about the inner conflict regarding my weight loss. but yes - hooray for goals! and i'm glad to count you as part of my social network now, too!
TB - i'm trying to remember that i'm not on my own, but it's often easy to *feel* alone. the hope is back, and i'm trying hard to hold on to it in the face of continued challenges. and i'm not so amazing. just maybe not as awful as i tend to think. (and you can want to be BB all you want, but i think we both know it ain't gonna happen.)
momma to LG - the drugs are definitely still a part of the plan for now, but i'd rather not be on them for too long. thanks for the well wishes!
mom - it suddenly occurs to me how funny it is that among all the mommy bloggers with various mom-themed names, yours is the one that's just "mom." i did try to eat, and i still am trying. i keep feeling like i eat a lot, but then i look back and realize i am still regularly eating less than half of what used to be normal for me. it'll get better, though, i'm sure.
I've battled the sleeping thing too, but recently I've tried using the "sleep" mode on my alarm clock and that's been helpful. About 15 min. of listen to the BBC rattle on about exchange rates and I'm off to dreamland. Except for last night, of course, because I was still ticked but I'll wrap my head around that issue eventually. You will too, it may just take a while and a lot of small steps along the way.
caffeinated librarian - yeah, i often fall asleep to late-night TV. it's much easier that way than trying to stop my mind from stressing about everything i've done wrong and everything i have to do the next day and everything i should have done yesterday... a little boob tube totally hits the spot.
I'm going to suggest you take OP up on the ice cream offer. Nothing can pack on the pounds like some Coldstone. It's also pretty damn yummy, so I say go for it!
The Plan sounds great. It's another step toward healing which I've wished for you all along. Lots of hugs comin' round your way, darlin'.
mocha momma - i will likely take OP up on his offer, though i'm more of a gelato girl than coldstone, personally. i will also take you up on the hugs, thankyouverymuch. :)
I just read all of your posts, and first I would like to say thank you. While I am not a cutter I am recovering from depression and had some very similar feelings except they were brought on be the birth of my second child. You are very brave to share your story and I hope it helps you recover. You are obviously a very intelligent, gifted, beautiful person, and have so much to look forward to in life. Thank you for sharing, because it has helped me.
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