I've made some confessions on this blog before, and they were scary. But I did them, and honestly, I felt better for the support of knowing I wasn't alone. And so, today, I have another one:
I envy people with happy families.
I look at parents walking hand-in-hand with their little ones, playing in the park, snuggling together, giggling and chasing and living a life together. I look at husband and wife sharing a smile as they lean in to hold each other as they stroll down the street. I look at relationships forged through good times and bad, through love, through family.
And I want that.
I want it all, and it hurts me to want it so badly. Earlier tonight, as I was talking to my mom, I told her that I sometimes wish I didn't feel things so strongly. I weep with how badly I want that future for myself - to be a wife and a mother and somehow complete because I am right where I am supposed to be.
I feel bad, sometimes, for the wanting, especially when it comes in reaction to someone I love. Lady M recently wrote a beautiful post about her family and the life they share together. And I want that kind of life. And I hate myself sometimes for envying that of someone so dear to me. Don't get me wrong - I don't for a moment begrudge her her own joy. I just wonder: When will I get to have that happiness too?
J. believes that you shouldn't feel bad for your thoughts and emotions, as long as your actions are honorable. But I'm not convinced. If someone wishes me harm, shouldn't he/she feel guilty for that, even if he/she isn't actively seeking to harm me? So if I envy someone's situation, don't I feel bad for that envy, even if I'm trying not to interfere with it? I feel guilty because I can't be happy for others without wanting that happiness for myself.
Mom says the key is to realize that the desire is understandable and acceptable. I just need to acknowledge that I want that family in my own form - whatever form is best for me in my own life and situation. She also says she feels it on its way for me, even if I don't. She told me that she can see just how huge the strides I've made in the last six months really are, and that she thinks I'm closer to that future than I fear.
"It's so hard for me," I said, "because I want it so badly, and yet I know I'm not ready for it yet. So instead of bemoaning the fact that it hasn't come yet, I have to acknowledge that even if it were here, I'm not in the position to accept it." Wanting, as I told her, doesn't mean I should have.
So what do I do in the meantime, while I wait for this family I want so desperately? I hang out with wonderful Aussies who put up with me and my sappiness. I finish school and get my life organized (as much as possible). I dance, and I blog, and I spend time with friends. Mostly, I live life, and prepare myself as best I can, so that when I meet that man and we meet our true love I can give them all of myself, just as they deserve.
But until then, sometimes, I cry with the wanting.