Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Put to Music

It’s coming on Christmas
They’re cutting down trees
They’re putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away

Christmas is my favorite holiday of the year. I eagerly anticipate the return of Christmas music on the radio the weekend after Thanksgiving (but not before – too early is too early). I get a big grin on my face driving through neighborhoods admiring the bright lights and decorations (though clearly the neighborhoods I frequent are dreadful bores compared to Aly’s neighborhood). And I get totally excited walking through the crowded mall with a list in hand, imagining the joyful expressions on the faces of my loved ones as they unwrap their carefully chosen gifts. From day one of my chocolate Advent calendar all the way to the Day-After-Christmas sales, I LOVE Christmas.

But it don't snow here
It stays pretty green
I'm gonna make a lot of money
And then I'm gonna quit this crazy scene
Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on.

This year, that love – that joy and excitement and anticipation – well, I just can’t seem to find it. When I was in Vegas over Thanksgiving, I asked Mom if we could just not do presents this year, ‘cause Seeser doesn’t really have a lot of cash and I just can’t muster the energy to get out and shop, so we’re doing a low-key, no-gift Christmas. It seems to mesh emotionally with the way the rest of my life is going these days. It just doesn’t matter much to me – very little does. And to be honest, a part of me is really still just counting the days until I can get out of here. Change that line to, “I’m gonna get my diploma and then I’m gonna quit this crazy scene,” and that would be just about right.

I made my baby cry
He tried hard to help me
You know he put me at ease
And he loved me so naughty
Made me weak in the knees

Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on.

There are few things harder than watching someone cry over something you’ve done. The chill that brings, the punch to the gut, the deep and inescapable knowledge: I did that. And in repayment for what? Love and support and inexhaustible efforts to make it work. Up to the last possible moment, he was willing to try – for us. And to this day, he tries hard to help me – you know he puts me at ease. And all I could do in return was make him cry.

I used to half-jokingly say that being with J. had sucked all the joy out of Christmas for me, because he was such a Scrooge. Well, I’d say just about any Christmas I spent with him – humbug or not – was a hundred times happier than this one will be.

I’m so hard to handle
I’m selfish and I’m sad
Now I’ve gone and lost the best baby
That I ever had
Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on.

You know that song “Strong Enough”? “Are you strong enough to be my man?” I’m not sure there’s a man alive who is, ‘cause I’m straight up impossible. I’d say most aren’t even tempted to take the risk – I’m just not worth it. And when one comes along who is actually willing to try, I refuse to let him. Why? Because I’m selfish. And I’m sad. And now? Well, we all know where I’m at now. Best I ever had. Gone.

I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on.

More than anything, I still just want to run away. To be somewhere else – anywhere else. To be someone else. Trying to create a new life for myself in a world so inextricably tied to the old one is really wearing me down. Some days, it’s actually not so bad – I feel supported and loved, and I feel like maybe it’s not so insurmountable as it all seems. But other days, I just do not want to be here.

I wish I had a river I could skate away on.


Day 5 of LaBloShoeMo: The Brown Pumps

I think these shoes are absolutely adorable. There’s something inherently feminine about pumps in general (duh), and these add the sexy texture of suede (probably fake, but who cares?) and the flower flourish on the toe. Colorwise, these lend themselves well to either brown or pink purses and accessories. God bless Payless.

Also, I won’t do this all the time, but as per some requests, I’ll give a full outfit context for today's shoes, just because I was so nicely coordinated this morning:

Is it any wonder my kids so unanimously applaud my fashion sense? I’m such a good role model.


Anonymous said...

oh, honey.

I'm sorry.

(cute shoes, as per always!)

Anonymous said...

I'm sad for you, Little Bear. You know I don't think running away is the answer, though. I think the existing friends, roots and potential life you have here would be very hard to rival if you uprooted at this point in your life. That's not to say you'd never find a happy life elsewhere, but I expect it would be very lonely for some time, even if you had your family there.

Anonymous said...

It makes me laugh seeing you all decked out in scarves; I was wearing a singlet top today and sweating all through the kids performance night!


fourthbreakfast said...

Love the shoes! I think I've see you in them before. Very cute.

That Sarah Maclachlan song is beautiful, but I was so depressed after I heard it on the radio. Had to turn on my Sound of Music soundtrack as therapy.

Anonymous said...

I read your series of posts.
Just wanted to say I understand.
Sometimes, inside the moment of darkness, it's hard to imagine feeling normal. But, in my experience anyway, normal always comes back. Good luck to you.

Anonymous said...

I can't tell you if there is a man who is strong enough to handle you, but I know one person who is - you. You can handle you. And once you get that part figured out, the guy situation will solve itself. I know it's kinda strange for me, of all people, to say that...and I don't mean to blow sunshine up your butt just to make you feel better. I truly believe it, for both you and for me.

Christmas may be rough, but just remember - it won't be the last Christmas, you'll have shots at others. And you'll find your joy again, it'll just take longer than you may like.

Anonymous said...

OK, I hate the generalizations and the writing in the present tense (I'm selfish, I'm not worth the effort) as if it was, is, and always will be. We'll work on the language when you're here and change the record running in your head. I love you.

Lara said...

sassy - thanks for the sympathy. (and the compliment.) happy birthday again! (this time on my blog!)

anon - i do know that you don't think it's the answer. and i agree it would be hard. i'm just not sure if it would be harder or easier than staying here. i'd form new connections eventually, through work if nothing else. but yes, it would be lonely. it's lonely here, too.

aly - yeah, i've been effin' freezing lately. currently my top half is decked out in four layers plus accessories: a tank top, a fitted sweater, a zip-up sweater, a coat, a scarf, and gloves. intense, i tell you. i'd die if i had to live on the east coast...

fourth breakfast - yes, you have seen me in them before. i'm glad you still like them. and i knew the song first as a joni mitchell song, but i do love maclachlan's version of it. and yes, it is sad.

jo - thanks for reading. i read a bit of your story, as well. you are a strong woman, and advice from you i take with the weight it is due. best of luck to you, too.

CL - to be honest, sometimes i wonder if even i can handle me, i'm that impossible. i appreciate the sunshine, but i'd rather you blow it somewhere besides my butt, mmkay? ;)

Lara said...

mom - doh! you commented right as i was working on my response comments, so i missed yours! but it's all good - it just means you get a special one. yes, the present tense and generalizing is all part of the automated distorted thoughts i have to work through. i need to practice stopping myself when i have them, noticing that they are distorted, and readjusting them in some way. it is, indeed, something we will work on.

AngelHawk said...

Ok first I have only been lurking since I found you in her bad moms basement- and I have to say that that heart song is ne of my all time faves- I have it on an unplugged version and it actually makes me cry- thanks for reminding me of it- I love it so much and it is kinda a christmas song! lol!

Lara said...

red dragon's angel - wow, that's a kickass name you've got for yourself there. a basement reader - i'm so glad you came and found me. also, i'm happy to have reminded you of such a beautiful song. while it is, as fourth breakfast said, a sad song, i think it's sad in that wistful way that's just sad enough to be meaningful, but not so much as to be overwhelming. does that make sense to anyone but me?