After a hospital visit from OP and Miss Ish, I was looking at a card they had made for me. They had printed out a picture (to left) of us from the summer, and written a note on the back for me. As I looked at that picture, it hit me all of a sudden: I came pretty close to just not being here anymore, and all that would have been left would have been pictures. Suddenly I realized what a scary thought that was, that I really could have just disappeared, and existed only in photographs and people's memories.
It was strange, and a bit disturbing, to think like that, and I realized I was glad to be recovering. And despite obstacles I'm encountering along the way, I still am glad to be recovering. So, to help with said recovery, we have The Plan:
First, I need to work hard not to isolate myself. I need to surround myself with social support, and, even more importantly, I need to use that support. I cannot do it all on my own, and I need to accept my friends’ offers of help. I cannot let myself shut down again.
I need to work on eating better. I’ve lost almost ten pounds since going to the hospital (which means almost twenty pounds since February), and while I got lots of “You look great!” comments when I went out in my new dress last weekend (retail therapy!), that’s sort of frightening. I’m not eating much anymore, and I really need to try to change that. Eating will give me the energy to work on getting better.
I need to get more sleep. I’m still having trouble falling asleep at night – still too much on my mind. Combined with not eating well, not being well-rested enough is a major contributing factor to my depression. And it isn't making school any easier either.
Perhaps more than anything else, I need to be me again – independent of anyone or anything else. And I need to be okay with who that is. I’m not even sure I know anymore, but I’m simultaneously terrified and excited to find out.
So that’s where we’re headed for now; those are the goals from here. There are other goals – bigger goals – but we’re taking this a step at a time, and for the moment, that’s where we’re at.
And all in all, that's really not such a bad place to be.
Thus ends a week-long explanation of my recent drama. Which is, of course, not to say I won't still be talking about it long into the future. It's still on my mind, constantly, but so are other things. So now we move back into real-time blogging. I can't thank you all enough for reading and sending me support through all of this. You all are totally amazing, and I love each and every one of you. Always and forever.