It's a sad scary place, the inside of my head.
It's true that I don't want to be that girl, but it's also true that I kind of am that
girl, and I don't know that I can really avoid it. I do struggle with depression, and I do have a lot of emotional baggage, and I guess if you're reading this, you probably already know that by now. But I get scared that eventually people will hit a limit of dealing with me and my issues, and just stop caring. Or, even worse, they'll start actively despising me as they get fed up with my moodiness.
If I fear those things from people who see me and deal with me in real life, how much more so would I fear it here of my readers? It's so easy to just stop reading, stop checking in, unsubscribe from the feed. Many already have over the years; I feel like I let those people down. Those of you who have stuck with me, well, you mean all the more to me exactly because you have stuck with me, and I don't want to lose you now.
I don't know what's wrong with me these days, but I suspect I should return to therapy for a while. I've gotten back to the point where I just hate waking up in the mornings and going to work. I hate seeing people and I wish I could just stay in bed all day every day... or maybe the couch, because then I could at least watch mind-numbing television. Either way, I know this is not the way life is supposed to feel.
There's not much Christmas joy to be found here right now, and I'm sorry for that. But I am still here, for now. I hope you are too.