Some bloggers do it through memes, and I've done that myself, in fact. I considered doing it again this year, and even found some questions and started answering them. But they were all so mundane - where did I visit this year, did I find any new songs to listen to, what TV shows did I watch. Really? Is that what I want to remember about 2009? Is that I want to think about doing in 2010?
Let's be honest, reflecting on even the best years of your life can still be difficult, and 2009 was most definitely not one of the best years of my life. Reflecting on all the ways it was awful will only make me more depressed, and reflecting on the positives of 2009 will only make me feel guilty for being depressed in spite of so much good stuff in my life. There really is no win.
So let's look ahead shall we? I have an appointment with a psychiatrist next week, and we'll talk about returning to medication. Hopefully that will take care of the chemical issues, and I can start working through my own emotional and mental issues. I'll try to keep perspective - my job is incredibly stressful, but it really is only going to be this way until the school year ends in June. Next school year won't be so bad, because I've already said I won't take on any new responsibilities next year. So I just need to buckle down and push through for another 5 months. I don't have much of a social life, but I can start trying to change that after this school year too, when I don't have to work as much. I'll make it better, really - after June, it'll all be better.
Do you know what I want more than anything else for 2010? I want to be content with what I already have. It's not about getting more - I want to feel like what I have now is already enough. As Christians, we say all the time: "God is all we need." And it's true, I know it's true. So why can't I just be happy with that? I have a loving savior, I have a home, I have money for food and clothes, I have plenty of luxuries even beyond just the necessities... I have so much. Why can't I stop wanting more?
I don't know how not to want a husband and children. I don't know how to stop these feelings of desperation, that if I don't get married, that if I don't have kids of my own I'll never really be complete. Why can't I be complete now, on my own?
All I want for 2010 is to find a way to be happy with what I already have. Is that so much to ask?
(From Garfield Minus Garfield.)
Happy New Year, to those of you still with me. If you stick with me through the end of 2010, we can check in again and see how things have gone. Deal? Deal.