No matter what I say or do...
And then I see you one night, and I think, "Is that... ? It can't be, but..." Because you're beautiful - you're lovely.
I never wanted anything so much
As to drown in your love and not feel your rain.
Your large eyes shining bright with tears, dark lashes sweeping sad across your cheeks. Pretty nose, pretty mouth, pretty pink lips pushed forward in a pout, because you just don't get it. Your hair falling around your face, framing your soft skin almost glowing in the evening light, curling at the ends where it falls across your shoulders.
... just the way I'm supposed to be.
You hug your arms around yourself, not because you're cold, but because you're scared of what this means.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
Your chest rises and falls with each shallow breath, your ribcage expanding and contracting just above your narrow waist, widening out to your rounded hips below. I follow them down to your legs, and I notice your weight shifting from one foot to the other, moving throughout this examination, wanting it to end, but not willing to end it.
Here I am, and I stand so tall...
Have you always been this way? Is this what others see when they look at you? What does it mean, that I never saw it?
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong.
When I see you tomorrow, will I still see you this way? Or will you have changed again, back to who you were before, back to who I thought you always were?
It never takes too long.
Which one is real?
You're on to me...
What if I've been wrong about everything? What if you're better than I thought, stronger than I thought, smarter than I thought, kinder than I thought? What if you can do more than I ever gave you credit for? What if you've been doing it all along, and I just haven't seen it, because I just wasn't looking? If you aren't who I thought you were, who am I?
You're neither friend nor foe, though I can't seem to let you go.
Why does it bother me so much that you might be more than I thought? Why do I need you to be so small, so worthless, so blank and empty and weak? Why does it hurt my heart to think that I might have missed what's been there all these years?
Something always brings me back to you.
Because if you have been less, if you have been small, or worthless, or blank or empty or weak - if you have, it's my fault. My thinking made you so. I thought, therefore you were.
You touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.
I'd like to say I'll stop, but I won't. I will think it again.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.
I will convince myself that I was wrong, that I never saw you this way at all. And I will convince you, too.
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
And the next time I see you this way, I'll turn away faster, so I won't have to wonder why my reflection doesn't look like me anymore.
Set me free, leave me be.
I don't... I don't know how to be the person I saw tonight.
I live here on my knees as I try to make you see...
I need you to be who I expect to see.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
But you're on to me
And all over me.
[Words in italics from the lyrics of Sara Bareilles's "Gravity."]