How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form...
Most days - probably 98 out of 100 or so - if I were asked, "Do you struggle with depression?" I would say, "No." I might clarify that I used to struggle with depression, or that I have struggled with depression at times in my life. But I would probably say that I no longer have to deal with depression today. And most days, that would be true and valid.
But then there are those rare days like today, when it all comes back, and so fast that I wonder if maybe it's been here all along but I only just opened my eyes and noticed. Everything makes me want to cry. I curl up under the covers and wonder how bad it would be to just never leave bed. Wringing my hands and biting my lip, I stare out the window, and I could swear I can see the world actually passing me by in complete indifference. I'm scared to try to come out of it, because I wonder what happens if I can't.
Barely surviving has become my purpose
'Cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface...
Thing is, I remember what it was like when every day was like this. I remember when this wasn't the exception to the rule, the way it is now. And I get angry at myself for not being able to appreciate how lucky I am to have moved past it as well as I have. I fight with myself about what to do - do I try to distract myself and force happiness, or do I give in to the depression knowing (hoping) that it's temporary?
So far, it always has been temporary, and I'm pretty sure today's will be too. But even still, for the moment, I find myself mired down in it, and remembering the struggles all too well.
And I will walk on water
And you will catch me when I fall...