Saturday, January 10, 2009

Storm

Posted by Lara at 3:32 PM
How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form...


Most days - probably 98 out of 100 or so - if I were asked, "Do you struggle with depression?" I would say, "No." I might clarify that I used to struggle with depression, or that I have struggled with depression at times in my life. But I would probably say that I no longer have to deal with depression today. And most days, that would be true and valid.

But then there are those rare days like today, when it all comes back, and so fast that I wonder if maybe it's been here all along but I only just opened my eyes and noticed. Everything makes me want to cry. I curl up under the covers and wonder how bad it would be to just never leave bed. Wringing my hands and biting my lip, I stare out the window, and I could swear I can see the world actually passing me by in complete indifference. I'm scared to try to come out of it, because I wonder what happens if I can't.

Barely surviving has become my purpose
'Cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface...


Thing is, I remember what it was like when every day was like this. I remember when this wasn't the exception to the rule, the way it is now. And I get angry at myself for not being able to appreciate how lucky I am to have moved past it as well as I have. I fight with myself about what to do - do I try to distract myself and force happiness, or do I give in to the depression knowing (hoping) that it's temporary?

So far, it always has been temporary, and I'm pretty sure today's will be too. But even still, for the moment, I find myself mired down in it, and remembering the struggles all too well.

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me when I fall...

11 comments:

BetteJo on 6:51 PM said...

Ugh, I know the feeling. Most days it is well managed. I hate to be a stereotype but when I plunge down into the depths again - it's a cyclical thing and I am so deep into it that I forget, or can't see, that's what it is.

I hope that's all it is for you too and tomorrow - or the day after - you will be your "most days" self again. Take care ~

Mrs. Chili on 8:11 PM said...

*hug*

KennethSF on 2:29 AM said...

Sorry to hear you're battling the dark monster. I suppose most folks have to deal with his unwelcome visits once in a while, but if he begins to take over your private thoughts, call some of your close friends. They'll help you evict him.

browneyedgirlie on 11:59 AM said...

I agree with Kenneth ~ try not to let it permeate your every thought.

You've got an awesome job, are doing awesome things for your students, and, like me, are awesome :)

It's Sunday, you don't have to work...sleep, watch mindless movies, RELAX! You deserve it.

If you need/want to talk, you know where to find me :)

Clair on 1:48 PM said...

Hang in there.

tali said...

You are a wonderful person and you deserve to (and you WILL) weather this storm (and any others that come your way).

*Hugs*

Jill B on 7:35 PM said...

I feel ya, girl.

William on 8:33 PM said...

You know, I generally reserve commenting for when I have a particularly insightful observation, but I don't have one right now.

Sorry you're feeling down. Hope you feel better tomorrow.

tekla said...

I'm in a similar cycle... hang in there, breathe, and ride it out...a new day is coming...

Erin on 10:58 AM said...

I am sorry that you are seeing the darkness again. It stinks.

Do what you need to do to feel better and leave the "should do"s until later. If you want peanut butter cups for dinner, go for it! :)

I hope the light comes back soon. Take care!

My Life My Life My Life on 2:46 PM said...

Here's hugs lady and please know that if you do allow yourself to feel this storm that you know you can weather it...

 

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