I had a check-up with my psychiatrist this week. Had been many months since I'd seen her, but it was time to check-in so I could get a refill on my meds. She asked what's going on with me - everything going well?
Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Please excuse me while I laugh about that one for a bit.
I don't think I would describe my life right now with the statement, "Everything's going well." I hate moving. Moving is stressful and exhausting under the very best of circumstances, like when you move to be closer to a great new job, or you move in with a significant other. Needless to say, the circumstances of my move are not the greatest - I'm in the middle of the worst break-up of my entire life. Add to that the annoyance of packing everything up, loading it into the car, unloading it at the new place, unpacking it, and all the cleaning that has to go with vacating a space, and you can understand why I'm less than pleased.
But there are numerous silver linings. My new place is bigger, newer, and much cleaner. The location is good, especially considering it's closer to Batman. My new housemates are friendly and fun. Moving to a new place gives me a great excuse to go through my old stuff and get it all cleaned and organized. And best of all, I'm paying $100 less per month in rent and utilities. Woo!
And of course, there's the unemployment factor. Being jobless is only fun when it's a) voluntary, and b) economically feasible. While I'm blessed to have enough money in savings to cover costs until I can get a new job, I certainly can't waste any time in finding that new job. There's also the fact that being fired is, well, just a special form of failure, regardless of the reasons. And when you're fired as a nanny, you have to wonder if they think you were a bad nanny, and if they think you were a bad nanny, if that means you'll be a bad mom. And suddenly you find yourself convinced that you're going to be a bad mom because you happened to lose your job. Or at least, that's what you think if you're me.
But again, there are good aspects to having to find a new job. I can reconsider my career objectives - maybe go back to teaching high school. I can find something closer to my new house to save on gas. I can find something that pays better, and maybe even has some benefits and job security. ALL good things.
Who am I these days? I'm not getting down on myself, I'm not crying all the time, I'm not wailing about how awful things are and how they'll never get any better. I can see to a point on the other side of the mess where I will be all unpacked and moved and going to work at a new job. In the meantime, I'm staying positive and taking action when and where I can to make my life better. All things considered, I'm actually quite proud of myself.
I guess this is what happens when life turns shitty when I'm not depressed.