But there are also moments when I am forced to admit that the struggle isn't over. I am not a broken appliance that has been fixed - there has been no mystical healing. It is still a process, this transformation of mine - day by day, I grow and change, becoming a little stronger at each step. But still, there are signs of weakness.Every night, when I get in bed, I turn on Horse Feathers so that my thoughts can't poke at me and keep me awake. Without the jokes to drown out the pain, I'm not sure I'd ever fall asleep.
I still wake up crying sometimes, when the dreams are a little too real. Once asleep, my mind goes in circles, around and around, focused always on what I want but can't have. When I wake up, it stops, but I remember.
Last week, I really wanted to cut myself - more than I have in months. The urge was so strong that it scared me into sobs on the bed, trying to decide who to call for help.
I'm scared, sometimes, to think of how far I still have to go to really be "all better." But then I realize that "all better" is a myth - a lie we tell ourselves when we want to believe that life is more simple than it is. There is no "all better" in my future, but there is "better."
And better.
And better.
And that gives me hope.
19 comments:
Healing is this circular woman, isn't she?
How she curls herself around us making us think we are all covered?
The thing is, love the work is never done, but in that? Neither is the beauty
flutter is so right - healing is circular.
There are times when you go uphill, but luckily there is a downhill slope that follows.
Hang in there, and keep healing...
Healing takes time....unfortunately!
Hang in there, and take care of yourself!
Healing is also something not to be placed on a ruler too often. It's good to give yourself self-check ups but make sure you aren't putting yourself under the microscope too often.
And remember life grades on a curve
I am proud of you for getting through a really tough episode. You did it!
saw your post on Greeblemonkey. I get it.
Funny, I was just talking to N. about this the other day. As well as things are going right now, I still find myself having a tough day (or night) every now and then. It's like it jumps up out of nowhere to remind me that you never really get "cured"; it's something that lingers in the background.
And then I remember that it's just a day, not a lifetime.
We all go back to our past experiences, good and bad. Just don't forget that where we were got us to where we are. And you're in a pretty good place now.
Sometimes it zigs, sometimes it zags. Progress isn't linear, but you are making big progress. Thank you for sharing your struggles with us.
If only healing could come in an instant. But the journey holds as much value as the destination. I have learned that the hard way.
Big hugs to you. Big, big hugs.
Have you read Crystal at "Boobs, Injuries and Dr. Pepper" in the past week and a half? She's writing about her recent stay in a psychological treatment facility, and it is amazing. I've never wanted to hurt myself, but I think almost everyone has had to deal with the darkness at one time or another in life. She is very bravely putting her experience out there for the world to see, and it both hurts and heals to read it. You may want to check it out, to help you remember that you're never alone.
And you're doing great; don't forget to give yourself credit where it's due.
tense - thanks, i just went and visited. glad for the rec, dear.
Are any of us really all better?
I personally think that we are all on some sort of healing journey... just at various stages along it. And some are better than others at hiding it.
I also thinks it takes amazing strength and courage to not only admit you are on the journey, but to know that you aren't through it yet and to treasure the good moments as well as the not so good. Being that self aware is a gift that not many people have in my experience....take strength from YOUR strength. It's there, and it's clearly endless.
You're right. There isn't all better for anyone but, but there is better :) Hang in there my love.
It's also good to hear someone 'fess up to not being all perfect and better, because it makes all the rest of us sigh with relief that we didn't miss an exit on our own road.
That was "thanks", btw.
i don't think it EVER goes away. as a girl who has a history of disordered eating (not exactly the same, i realize)...i know that even though i'm okay now, she'll always be there. lurking. and there will always be things to bring her back out.
hugs.
I think coming to that realization that there is no all better is a huge step in actually getting to better. Not fixed, just...better.
healing comes slow and often leaves us a scar or two to know how far we have come...i hope you heal steady and the scars remind you of all the strength you have to get through
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