Monday, August 06, 2007

An Introduction to the Google-age (for Newbies)

I've noticed some new visitors over the last few weeks (Hi, Smart Gurl! Hi, Yuriko! Hi, Hanlie! Hi, other new folks! You should say hello!). For the sake of these newbies - and anyone with a short memory span - I'll explain a bit about the tradition of the Sunday Google-age.

(What? It's not Sunday? No, you must be mistaken. Seriously. Ignore that date up there.)

So, imagine this: You're sitting around one day, and you decide you'd love to read about Amish sluts. Because really? Who wouldn't? So you head to the laptop and the good ol' reliable Google and type in "amish sluts" to see what pops up. If you click on that second link, you'll head to my blog.

But you already knew all that, right?

Well, here's something maybe you didn't know: Once you click on my link from a Google search, your search goes into my statistics. My statistics compile a list of these searches - aka "referrals" - and I can look at them. And let me tell you, when I read this list, I wonder - often - about the state of humanity today.

So every Sunday (or thereabouts), I share some of these interesting searches with you all, my lovely readers. For past Sunday Google-ages, click on the Metadata label. Oh, and if you don't already, you should start keeping track of your own stats. Because they can be seriously hysterical at times.

My Unique Brand of Humor

shakespeare fart quote - I'm sure there are many. Shakespeare appreciated bawdy humor as well as anyone. And really? Fart jokes are classics.

male teachers tampons - I admit it: The combination of men and tampons is always funny to me. Don't know why.

funny handy tips - Ha! If you don't get this, think about other possible meanings for "handy." Like, noun meanings.

accidental boob graze - An accidental boob graze is definitely funny in many situations. A purposeful boob graze? Not so much.

spanky's mother undressed - Spanky's a funny name.

dramatic rodent pictures - Okay, this might only be funny to me because I'm reading this and thinking, "You're a feisty rodent!" If you don't get that, you are SO missing out.

FUNNY PICTURES ON PREPOSITIONS - This is funny because they used the wrong preposition! There can't be pictures ON the prepositions! They must have meant OF prepositions. Ha!

grope box - This is simultaneously funny and very, very disturbing.

God bless the winded road that led me to you - This is funnier when you try to imagine what a road would look like if it were winded. Regular sprints would improve the road's lung capacity, and then it wouldn't get winded so quickly.

fell in hole at my apartment complex - What can I say? I laugh at other peoples' misfortunes.

I'm Insulted!

smelling and nasty feet (pictures - Okay, I may not have explicitly attractive feet, but I wouldn't call them nasty either.

fat failure - You were looking for a fat failure and you found me? I resent that.

has sniffed shoes of schoolgirls - I have NOT!

lousy poetry - Hey! My poetry's not that bad!

crazy into life - I suffer from depression; I wouldn't say I'm crazy.

SAD BUT TRUE - I'm slightly offended, but maybe that's not a bad tagline for this blog.

musty old person smelling house - I think both my roommate and I are insulted by this one.

rude birthday wish - There are no such things anywhere in this blog. I don't think.

vapid musings - I BEG your pardon?!

I'm Flattered!

deep thinking blog - Two Thinking Blogger awards certainly uphold this, and I'm honored people think of me that way.

tilf blog - Aw, shucks. You think I'm a TILF? That's flattering. Unless you're actually a teenage boy. Then it's creepy.

sad but cute blog - I think I like this even better than "SAD BUT TRUE" as a tagline.

beautiful pictures of a light at the very end of a tunnel - I'm glad you liked it.

awesome meme - I'm blushing, really. Though if you truly want some awesome memes, check out the Meme Queen.

Lovely Ladies Pics Only - It's true, I only show pics of lovely ladies.

happy birthday to someone wonderful - Thanks! But my birthday was over a month ago.

Googlers Answer Their Own Searches

Query: funny things to type into google
Response1: naughty monkey SHOES adam ballet [No one can tell me that's not funny.]
R2: teaching's material: zoo mask [That's the teaching material I was missing!]
R3: second grade goodbye letter to parents ["Dear Mom and Dad: I'm mooving out to becom a perfeshunal baseball player. Pleese send me my bed becuse it was too heavy for me to carrey. Love, Johnny."
R4: Installing self esteem in a 7 year old [Like 7-year-olds are hardware of some kind, and self-esteem is a new software upgrade.]
R5: skip ball - rope toys for kids - ring on ankle [This is when they first learn what marriage is all about.]
R6: sunburned boob pictures [All right, it's probably less funny if you've had it happen.]

Q: remedy for a badly scraped knee
R1: starbucks regular order [In my opinion, that's the remedy for almost anything. If it doesn't work, try adding some hard liquor.]
R2: Yep, friends, pretty much [Also a remedy for everything.]
R3: tickling flirting play fighting [If there are cute boys involved, it'll get my mind off a scraped knee pretty quickly.]
R4: getting hurt emotionaly [Nothing like a worse injury to distract from a lesser one.]

Q: real life shocking confessions
R1: i had an unhappy childhood felt ugly [You are not alone in this, kid.]
R2: i love my moms feet [In what way? Hopefully a non-creepy way.]
R3: all my life i've been waiting for someone to love [Haven't we all?]
R4: i feel like a total failure at life [I think everyone does sometimes. You just gotta keep at it.]
R5: I envy people with happy families [So do I sometimes. But someday, I'll have one of my own, and I bet you will too.]
R6: she's my mommy and my aunt [Freaky.]
R7: "i am a virgin" 24 [That's okay - I was too.]

Q: humorous ways to deal with depression
R1: happy bunny have your cake [Anything related to It's Happy Bunny will be humorous.]
R2: Hooters-girls Lara [In hindsight, getting a job at Hooters might have been a great way for me to deal with my depression.]
R3: sexy getting to know you questions [Well, it depends who you're trying to get to know.]
R4: share your first love break up blogspot [Ha! I bet that would be humorous!]
R5: games done in group therapy depression ["Who's the biggest loser?" is always a popular one.]
R6: "get her. that was your plan?" [Yes, watching that movie will do it. I certainly hope you all know what movie I'm referring to here.]

Q: is getting a roommate on craigslist a good idea?
R: stay away from CL crazies [And really? I think that just about sums it up right there.]

Share some of your own recent stats, or pick your favorite from this list and leave it in the comments!


Anonymous said...

re: Shakespeare/effluence:

"A man may break a word with you, sir; and words are but wind; Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not behind." (Comedy of Errors III i 75-76)

Anonymous said...

Fancy (!) graphic courtesy of me.. and MS paint..

Chris Adams said...

Nice blog. First time visitor.. *waves hello*

BetteJo said...

Oh my goish - I'm glad you read my post at topblogmag - it brought me over here! You are SO adorable! And funny besides!

Oh, and I wore head gear too. How fun was that? :)

BetteJo said...

I meant to say goish. Really. *grimace*

Anonymous said...

My favorite one ever was "cute puke." Recently I got "basements with batcave themes" as well as "dog dental surgery." I aim to please.

Also: Go anonymous, with the Shakespear ref. You should be proud to sign your name to that one.

Mom101 said...

Ha, so I guess today was google stat day for both of us.

What's with all the smelly feet searches? Seriously, it worries me.

Lara said...

anon - seriously, mayberry's right. you should be proud of such a topical inclusion. :) thanks for sharing!

aly - don't think i'm not grateful to you for the graphic and the name!

hoji - welcome! i hope you come back. :)

bettejo - your post was excellent, which as why i read it. head gear nerds of the world unite! please do visit again. :) also, goish? is a very cool word.

mayberry - if i had a basement, it would TOTALLY have a batcave theme.

mom101 - honestly, the feet searches in general scare me a little. adding in a condition of smelliness only adds slightly to my fear.

Newbie said...

I've decided to come out from under my rock and say Hi!!! I love your blog!!!

Yuriko said...

HAHAH... Musty old person smelling house... That's a good one... (not that you do). :)

Buffy said...

Someone really searched for "musty old person smelling house"???

Anonymous said...

Haha, those are funny

Going down for (student organized) summer jammix this friday - come if you can! 9pm gcc!