Baby Steps

Last night, J. and I had a tough discussion. I’m moving out over the next few days, and I think we’re both a little extra on edge because of it. By the end of our talk, I was pretty much standing, sobbing, with my head hanging down – I imagine I made a pathetic, dejected figure in that moment.

I went to take a shower, still crying. Crying is something I do in the shower a lot these days, but this time was a bit worse than usual. I cried through the shampoo and conditioner, through shower gel, and I grabbed the razor to move on to the next step in the shower routine, when I just couldn’t take it anymore – I couldn’t stay standing.

So I crouched down, as the sobs deepened. I hit my knees and then I hunched over, hugging my stomach and rocking myself. But even that wasn’t enough. I fell over onto my side, and lay there, curled in the fetal position, body shaking with sobs, as the water fell without notice. And all the while, I clutched the razor in my hand.

I lay there for twenty minutes, just weeping, moaning, hating myself for what I’ve become, feeling helpless to change. For twenty minutes I kept a tight grip on that razor, a part of my mind thinking of what it could do, of how it could help me feel better. For twenty minutes I cried, not knowing what I would do, what I would decide – not knowing if I would be okay.

And then, after twenty minutes, I stood up – still shaking, still crying – and I put the razor on the shelf and let it go. I put it down, turned off the water, and grabbed a towel. And then I got out of the shower and got dressed. And I kept packing.

That, my friends, is what we call progress.

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Day 30 of LaBloShoeMo: Open-Toed Heels

Does anyone else find the complete lack of segue between really introspective posts like this one and the shoes to follow a little jarring? I do, and at times it feels very awkward, but you know what? When I have these kinds of posts, that’s when I most need the absolute frivolity of posting about my shoes. (Oh, and does anyone else find the phrase “open-toed heels” funny?)

First pair of Day 30: The White Kitten Heels

These haven’t been getting much wear lately, because my feet would freeze into little ice blocks, and no one’s going to find that attractive at all. But these are great shoes for spring and summer, especially with pastel-y Easter dresses. In fact, that’s why I bought them in the first place – to wear with a blue floral-print Easter dress a few years ago. They were uncomfortable at first, but now they’re very comfy, and these are my stand-by shoes when I need something white and classy.

Second pair of Day 30: The Black Stripper Shoes

Okay, okay, wait. Don’t give up on me yet. I call these my stripper shoes, because they kind of reminded me of them. But they’re not stripper shoes, I swear. They’re not gaudy enough for that. I bought these about a year and a half ago, to wear to Michael’s funeral. I’ll never forget that afternoon, shopping with Makayla’s Mommy (Michael was her brother, like a brother to me), both of us so heartbroken, yet finding solace in the absolute stupidity of buying something new to wear to the funeral. Some people don’t get it – “How could you go shopping when your brother just died?” – but it was what we both needed.

At any rate, I really love these shoes, especially with nice jeans and a classy, cute tank top (even though they do make me Amazon-height). I actually LOST these shoes a few months ago. They just up and disappeared, I swear. Poof. Gone. But then, when I was shopping in Vegas, I discovered that Target (yeah, I’m a Target shopper – you want to make something of it?) still had them! Can you imagine the shrillness of the squeal of joy that erupted from my lips when I saw my lost shoes in my size, just sitting there begging to be bought? Oh, these babies came home with me, and I shall never lose them again. Never again, my precious – never again.