Who IS This Guy?!

Throughout the course of human history, we have been faced with some tough questions, pondered over the years by some of the greatest philosophical minds of all time. Why are we here? Is there a God? What is the meaning of life? Maybe these questions will never be answered; maybe they’ll be answered by everyone individually but never collectively; maybe they’ll be answered and altered and answered again. Plato couldn’t find the answers, nor could Socrates, nor could any number of other brilliant men over the last couple thousand years. This should not, however, deter us from asking the difficult questions. So, to this critical list, I would like to add yet another crucial question – Pepper: Dr. or Sgt.?

I heard that collective gasp as the significance of this issue struck you all. You’re wondering why you hadn’t thought of this before – how this man could possibly have fooled us all so completely. But seriously, who’s seen his credentials? Of what, exactly, is this man a doctor? And in what organization has he been designated a sergeant? Who authorized him to make claims to both titles? What assurance do we, the innocent bystanders of the public, have that we’re not being swindled by some fly-by-night amateur posing as a respectable professional?

Ah, but maybe we’re approaching this all wrong. Maybe – just maybe – this isn’t one man at all, but two different men with the same surname. Brothers, separated at birth? It would certainly explain Dr. Pepper’s ever-present identity crises: diet, berries n’ cream, cherry vanilla… when will it end? Just be yourself, Dr. – somebody out there loves you just as you are! (That person’s not me, though – I don’t drink you unless you’re mixed with root beer.)

And then there’s the Sergeant. Poor Sgt. Pepper. If only he’d known he had family out there, maybe his lonely hearts club band wouldn’t have been so lonely. If only these two could have been together from the start, they could have supported each other through the hard times and been okay. Of course, the rest of the lonely hearts club band would still have been lonely, but whose fault is that really? There can’t be a long-lost brother out there for everyone.

But the Peppers, what happens to them now? Now that we’ve figured out the secret – “There is another Pepper…” – who will help them reunite? What will Sgt. Pepper’s Brotherly Love Reunited After Years Apart Club Band sound like? And what will Diet Cherry Berries Lonely Hearts Club N’ Cream Dr. Pepper taste like?

That list of ponderable questions is getting longer and longer…