Sunday, December 19, 2010

I've Been Avoiding You

I'm sorry I've been avoiding you, but I've been (and continue to be) scared. Anxiety has never been my biggest issue, and when it does appear, it tends to be a depression-induced downward spiral. For the past few weeks, I kept thinking, "I should blog," and then I'd think about what I would write and some of it would be like, "Yeah, that might be okay," but other stuff I'd start just thinking, "Why would anyone want to read that?" And when I was particularly sad and/or depressed I'd think, "Maybe I should write about this relapsing I seem to be experiencing," but then I'd immediately convince myself that no one wants to read about that, and that I don't want to always be "that girl," the one who's always depressed and loaded down with emotional baggage. So I wouldn't write, but then I'd feel even worse because I'd feel a) guilty about not writing, and b) sad that I'd lost my love for the blogosphere, which used to keep me sane in the face of my worst depression anyway.

It's a sad scary place, the inside of my head.

It's true that I don't want to be that girl, but it's also true that I kind of am that
girl, and I don't know that I can really avoid it. I do struggle with depression, and I do have a lot of emotional baggage, and I guess if you're reading this, you probably already know that by now. But I get scared that eventually people will hit a limit of dealing with me and my issues, and just stop caring. Or, even worse, they'll start actively despising me as they get fed up with my moodiness.

If I fear those things from people who see me and deal with me in real life, how much more so would I fear it here of my readers? It's so easy to just stop reading, stop checking in, unsubscribe from the feed. Many already have over the years; I feel like I let those people down. Those of you who have stuck with me, well, you mean all the more to me exactly because you have stuck with me, and I don't want to lose you now.

I don't know what's wrong with me these days, but I suspect I should return to therapy for a while. I've gotten back to the point where I just hate waking up in the mornings and going to work. I hate seeing people and I wish I could just stay in bed all day every day... or maybe the couch, because then I could at least watch mind-numbing television. Either way, I know this is not the way life is supposed to feel.

There's not much Christmas joy to be found here right now, and I'm sorry for that. But I am still here, for now. I hope you are too.


Still Jill B said...

I'm here. And I love you.

BetteJo said...

I don't know, there's kind of something about you that's hard NOT to like. Maybe it's the honestly, maybe I relate to the depression. Regardless - when you pop up on my reader, I come back. Hope you are able to do whatever you need to, to get back to an even keel again. And most bloggers go through periods where they think nobody could possibly want to read what they have to say. At least - the ones that are human!

Merry Christmas Lara. Go see your mom if you can. Seems to help you. Take care~

BetteJo said...
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fjd said...

Gosh, sorry you're not feeling too chipper. I always read your blog and want to read whatever you want to write.

Clair said...

I stick with you because I like you - emotional baggage and all. Please think some more about going back to therapy, and doing whatever else you need to do to stay well. ((hugs))

flutter said...

please be gentle with yourself

Terry said...

I check your blog all the time and enjoy everything you write! When you are in an emotional place where you are, you don't always see things clearly, and so anxiety does absolutely feed on itself (I speak from experience)! Take good care of yourself--treat yourself the way you'd treat a friend in a similar situation (enourage therapy and lots of self-care!).

Teacher Anonymous said...

Infrequent updates are why I enjoy having a feed reader. Plus, when the baby won't let me sit down at the computer for more than a couple of minutes a day, it means I won't miss anything (even if I do wind up reading things a while after they've been posted).