Friday, August 13, 2010

Open Letters to Half the Universe

[In no particular order...]

Dear Gynecologist:

I appreciate that you were able to see me for an emergency appointment at the last minute this morning, even though you are not the doctor I've seen in the past. However, I would have been much more at ease in the appointment if you hadn't seemed so damned uncomfortable the whole time. I've never had someone look so panicked at the thought of having to look at my vagina, which, to be honest, given it's your job, was a little unexpected. Your wide-eyed plea that we just "chat a while" before the exam, followed by ten minutes of small talk about my job and your kids, really freaked me out. Stop acting like a social reject on his first date with a real live girl and start acting like a freaking professional. When in doubt, just remind yourself: "It's a vagina, not a hammerhead shark. My life is not in danger."

Best regards,
The woman NOT housing a hammerhead shark between her legs


Dear vagina,

I'm really sorry I let that scary man take a scalpel to you. It was for your own good (and mine, too), but still, I know it was tough to take. Thanks for being such a good sport about it.

With much love,
Your life support system


Dear Jessica,

You are the only person I went totally fangirl on at BlogHer. I hope I didn't slobber on you in my rush to tell you how hilarious I think you are. Oh, and? When you told the entire audience at the humor session that I have great clothes, that pretty much made my weekend, so thanks for that.

The annoying fangirl with great clothes


Dear Clair and Steph,

You two are amazing and I loved rooming with you. Road trip to BlogHer '11? YES, PLEASE.

Roommate #3


Dear students,

If you all just don't show up to school in ten days, the school year just can't start and we can all have summer forever. It's really sort of an all-or-nothing thing, so make sure you ALL don't come. But really - the administration doesn't want you to realize how much power you have, but if you aren't there, we can't do our jobs. Seriously. School just can't start. SUMMER FOREVER.

Think about it.

- Miss David


Dear Brain,

Please excuse my shouting, but it needs to be stated clearly so that you will fully understand: ENOUGH WITH THE ANXIETY DREAMS ALREADY!

Lara, who could really use some sleep


Dear lady working the fitting room area at Ross:

Stop being such an a**hole. When you forcibly stop me, demand that I place my items on the rack, and then slowly count through each and every one of them with narrowed eyes like at any moment you expect a pile of shoplifted clothing to fall out the bottom of my cardigan, you make me feel like a criminal. You make me want to take my business elsewhere. And frankly, you make me want to punch you in your squinty, suspicious eyes.

Bite me.
- Lara "Not a Criminal" David


Dear readers whom I love,

Come out from lurk-mode and write me a letter.



Rachel said...

Dear Lara,

I refuse to see male gynecologists (except of course, in emergency situations where I can't help it because they're trying to save my life or something).

I hope that whatever happened with your vagina is healing properly, though scalpel sounds awfully nasty.

Yes, it was totally awesome that Jessica Bern pointed out your clothes during her session at BlogHer10. (You do have awesome taste, I want to be like you when I grow up.)

See you in the writing lab sessions again next year? Maybe?



Yours Truly said...


I've only been following your blog forever now. You're pretty much awesome. Just thought you should know.


Mrs. Chili said...

Sorry; I've been guilty of lurking lately.

Gotta tell you, I was delighted to see a picture of you on Chookooloonks the other day! I loved that Karen put the description of the pictures UNDER them, so I was able to say "Ooooh! That's LARA!!" before the caption told me that it was, indeed, you.



Profesora de espaƱol said...

But lurking is so much fun!

Still Jill B said...

Dear Lara,

I'm not a lurker, but you know that. I'm hoping this school year is full of awesome.
Jill B

Clair said...

Dear Lara,

I'm so sorry about your emergency appointment, and the social reject doctor. Yikes! But perhaps it was better to have a social reject doctor than completely socially awkward roommates sharing a small room for three days. Next year, I think we need a suite. And a beer fridge.


ps did your sweater arrive in your mailbox yet? Because if it gets returned to me, I may have to keep it for awhile.

Anonymous said...

Had so much fun in NY with you. Definitely excited for next year and the road trip! Now, we just need a way to get the trip sponsored...

Trish said...

I totally experienced the same thing at Ross the other day. I told the lady I had seven items. She looked at me with these unbelieving eyes. Then she told me to place the items on the rack. When she counted there was seven items. Just as I had told her. I am not a f----ing liar. And I wanted to punch her in the face too. I mean come on. It's Ross. It's not Bloomingdales. Why would I want to steal an eight dollar shirt anyway? Ok, thanks for letting me vent.

Anonymous said...

Dear Lara,

I'm with you...why do they have to talk to us. As a Lesbian I prefer male's just how I roll. Although it would be easier if my wife was a gyno...just a thought...any way. I've stopped lurking...this you may regret, lol.

Jenn (former lurker)

Peter said...

The next time you ask folks not to lurk and to please write, you might put it in a post concerning, oh, I dunno, your hand, the Coast Range, something besides your vajayjay, just for the general mental comfort of the men who are passing by.

Anyhow, enjoy your endless summer and I hope your gyno fixed you.

Please forgive me if I do not pray aloud for the health and well being of your vagina, my wife has a gun.

BetteJo said...

I'm sorry about your vagina, glad you had a good time at BlogHer and would gladly help you assault that store lady in a dark alley. :)

Amanda said...

Dear Lara,

Even though we are thousands of miles away from each other, every time that I come here, to your online neck of the woods, I smile. Every. Time.

Thank you for that.