Thursday, December 31, 2009

Forgot and Never Brought to Mind

It's the dawning of a new year, and possibly a new decade, depending on whether you prefer to count your decades as 0-9 or 1-10. This kind of change calls us all, in our own ways, to reflect on what has passed and what is to come.

Some bloggers do it through memes, and I've done that myself, in fact. I considered doing it again this year, and even found some questions and started answering them. But they were all so mundane - where did I visit this year, did I find any new songs to listen to, what TV shows did I watch. Really? Is that what I want to remember about 2009? Is that I want to think about doing in 2010?

Let's be honest, reflecting on even the best years of your life can still be difficult, and 2009 was most definitely not one of the best years of my life. Reflecting on all the ways it was awful will only make me more depressed, and reflecting on the positives of 2009 will only make me feel guilty for being depressed in spite of so much good stuff in my life. There really is no win.

So let's look ahead shall we? I have an appointment with a psychiatrist next week, and we'll talk about returning to medication. Hopefully that will take care of the chemical issues, and I can start working through my own emotional and mental issues. I'll try to keep perspective - my job is incredibly stressful, but it really is only going to be this way until the school year ends in June. Next school year won't be so bad, because I've already said I won't take on any new responsibilities next year. So I just need to buckle down and push through for another 5 months. I don't have much of a social life, but I can start trying to change that after this school year too, when I don't have to work as much. I'll make it better, really - after June, it'll all be better.

Do you know what I want more than anything else for 2010? I want to be content with what I already have. It's not about getting more - I want to feel like what I have now is already enough. As Christians, we say all the time: "God is all we need." And it's true, I know it's true. So why can't I just be happy with that? I have a loving savior, I have a home, I have money for food and clothes, I have plenty of luxuries even beyond just the necessities... I have so much. Why can't I stop wanting more?

I don't know how not to want a husband and children. I don't know how to stop these feelings of desperation, that if I don't get married, that if I don't have kids of my own I'll never really be complete. Why can't I be complete now, on my own?

All I want for 2010 is to find a way to be happy with what I already have. Is that so much to ask?

Happy New Year, to those of you still with me. If you stick with me through the end of 2010, we can check in again and see how things have gone. Deal? Deal.


franz the mouse said...

No one should feel guilty about being depressed. I'm sure you know that.

It's not surprising you have a lot of good stuff in your life. You deserve it. Some of it is a result of your working hard both now and in the past, and the rest is a result of your simply being awesome.

Have a good new year, Lara.

Clair said...

Aspiring to or wanting more or better or different isn't bad in itself. How would we be pushed to change and grow otherwise? It's only bad if you become greedy and spiteful and (insert all those other sins here). Good luck next week! May 2010 bring you some healing and a lot of joy.

Catherine said...

Glad to hear you are going to the dr next week. Depression is so awful. I know the suffering all too well. Just know that you will get better!

Bryan said...

I hear ya, Lara. Hang in there this year... I'll look forward to enduring alongside you through this next painful stretch and celebrating with you at the end, whether it's me visiting the Bay Area or you visiting Seattle. :D :D :D