Sunday, October 25, 2009

Rediscovering Lara

Last night I went dancing. I don't go dancing much anymore, but it used to be a huge part of my life. My close friends were all dancers, and I used to have rehearsals, performances, or social dance events to attend 6-7 times a week. Now, though, my life is pretty much work and... work. There is little to no time for dancing.

But I went dancing last night. I was afraid it wouldn't be fun - or, more accurately, I was worried that it would be awkward and uncomfortable. For one thing, the event was a reunion of a dance group of which I was never actually a member. Lest you think I was totally crashing the party, I was, in fact, invited to the event. It's just that I was invited by mistake (as were a few others), because I have been a part of so many dance groups with so many of those dancers that they tend to assume I was a part of this one - the one having the reunion - also. But if anyone was angry that I was there, they hid it well, because I never had anyone walk up and call me a poser and tell me to get out of their event.

I remembered, last night, that dancing is FUN. That dancing makes me SMILE and LAUGH. That after dancing to the point of heaving breath and aching muscles I feel GOOD.

What was even better, though, was that last night, I remembered who "Lara" is. I spend almost all day, every day, being "Miss David," and I'm rarely ever "Lara" anymore. "Miss David" is a teacher, and she's a good teacher, and she's a hard teacher, and she kicks your butt and makes you learn but only because she loves you. But I'm more than that, though I never get to see it anymore. I'm also "Lara," and "Lara" is a dancer.

I won't lie, though - being "Lara" isn't all fun and games. "Lara" has problems that "Miss David" doesn't. Problems with relationships, old and new, problems with loneliness, with depression, with broken hearts that never seem to heal no matter how much time goes by. But still, in spite of that, it's good to remember that "Lara" is still there, even if "Miss David" is out more often these days.

Who are your multiple personalities? Are you sometimes "Jane," sometimes "John's wife," sometimes "Jimmy's mom"? What helps you remember the YOU inside?


BetteJo said...

I know what you mean about losing 'Lara'. Many women are incredible at staying home with their kids - they make it into so much more than I did, I am ashamed to say. By the end of 4 years I felt I didn't know how I was anymore. I was somebody's wife, somebody's mom. I needed a place to just be BetteJo. For me - it meant going to work. I like your way of remembering Lara better though, sounds fun!

unmitigated me said...

Maybe you should let yourself be Lara a little more often. Miss David needs to have some fun.

Monique said...

Sounds like a fun night for you! I am Monique online and ... not Monique in real life. When I meet bloggers I have to introduce myself as "Monique/(real name)." It gets old, but that's what I get for choosing Monique four years ago!

bernthis said...

nope. I'm always the depressed Jessica.

Anonymous said...

hmmm, what title to choose. I am Del but I don't really know who I am. I can fill in the list of what I used to be - dancer, dance teacher, costume designer, standby wardrobe assistant, business owner, market researcher, data manager, country girl and the list goes on. Now the list is shorter - mum, wife, youth worker, sports coach. The question for me is what do I want to do next?

I am glad you had fun finding 'Lara' again.

Anonymous said...

I understand you completely. I've been a stay-at-home mom now for 2.5 yrs. Honestly, I hate it. My kids are all school aged, but with my youngest having had a rough time with schools until recently (ADHD- had a hard time finding the right school for him), it's been a necessity for me to stay home. Along with just being "Mom", I'm just N's wife- with the negativity that can go along with this and come from in-laws.

Somehow, being at home for the kids has become a big negative, not only to me (because, well, I love working and having a life outside the home), but also to everyone around me, as if it makes me less of a person, a lazy person (I'm not, thank you!) or unable to take care of myself. Then this translates into not having needs of my own or being less of a person to those around me.

I'm still very much "Oregon", but Oregon has gotten lost in duty and necessity and now depression.