Friday, June 06, 2008

When Did I Become an Optimist?

I had a check-up with my psychiatrist this week. Had been many months since I'd seen her, but it was time to check-in so I could get a refill on my meds. She asked what's going on with me - everything going well?

Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Please excuse me while I laugh about that one for a bit.

I don't think I would describe my life right now with the statement, "Everything's going well." I hate moving. Moving is stressful and exhausting under the very best of circumstances, like when you move to be closer to a great new job, or you move in with a significant other. Needless to say, the circumstances of my move are not the greatest - I'm in the middle of the worst break-up of my entire life. Add to that the annoyance of packing everything up, loading it into the car, unloading it at the new place, unpacking it, and all the cleaning that has to go with vacating a space, and you can understand why I'm less than pleased.

But there are numerous silver linings. My new place is bigger, newer, and much cleaner. The location is good, especially considering it's closer to Batman. My new housemates are friendly and fun. Moving to a new place gives me a great excuse to go through my old stuff and get it all cleaned and organized. And best of all, I'm paying $100 less per month in rent and utilities. Woo!

And of course, there's the unemployment factor. Being jobless is only fun when it's a) voluntary, and b) economically feasible. While I'm blessed to have enough money in savings to cover costs until I can get a new job, I certainly can't waste any time in finding that new job. There's also the fact that being fired is, well, just a special form of failure, regardless of the reasons. And when you're fired as a nanny, you have to wonder if they think you were a bad nanny, and if they think you were a bad nanny, if that means you'll be a bad mom. And suddenly you find yourself convinced that you're going to be a bad mom because you happened to lose your job. Or at least, that's what you think if you're me.

But again, there are good aspects to having to find a new job. I can reconsider my career objectives - maybe go back to teaching high school. I can find something closer to my new house to save on gas. I can find something that pays better, and maybe even has some benefits and job security. ALL good things.

Who am I these days? I'm not getting down on myself, I'm not crying all the time, I'm not wailing about how awful things are and how they'll never get any better. I can see to a point on the other side of the mess where I will be all unpacked and moved and going to work at a new job. In the meantime, I'm staying positive and taking action when and where I can to make my life better. All things considered, I'm actually quite proud of myself.

I guess this is what happens when life turns shitty when I'm not depressed.


flutter said...

sounds pretty balanced, there girl

CityStreams said...

I can relate on oh so many levels. Realizing that you're not being sucked down by the undercurrent of depression is a wonderful feeling! And getting fired sucks. But I highly recommend teaching. It's wonderful to have a nice long paid vacation. And to be able to plan trips way in advance. And to know that no matter how annoying that child is, you only have to put up with them for fifty minutes each day.

CityStreams said...

I really wish I could go back and edit a few things in that last comment. I'm OCD that way.

I really do know how to use commas. And I meant to put him/her instead of them.

Never mind.

BetteJo said...

The coping skills actually exist when you're not depressed! Amazing, isn't it?
Didn't your employer let you know why you were being let go? I mean, you don't have to tell us - but I hope they at least gave YOU a reason. Cause I would have a hard time thinking you'd be a bad nanny. Or Mom for that matter.

William said...

(I'm actually typing this out with my business jerk phone)

I'm reminded of our discussion on self esteem as a coping tool.

Once you understand that you have an innate value that can't be impugned, well... you become immune to the throes of gain and loss.

I'm lucky enough to be able to live a small part of my life in that headspace, and I'm glad to hear that you're doing the same.

foster mama said...

You never stop amazing me.

"maybe go back to teaching high school."

No comment for fear of beating something already dead.

Still Jill B said...

Sister, I really understand. Oi. I'm glad you can stay optimistic. Stick with it. And if not, keep yourself safe, and remember we all believe in you.

Anonymous said...

This is my daughter. She is beautiful and I am proud of her. I smile when reading these words of positivity but I have to let the world know they are even more funny when verbalized because Lara has such a great delivery and intonation. She makes me laugh out loud.

michelle said...

When you figure out how to figure out who you are can you pass the secret along. I am walking around feeling like an imposter in my own life these days...not such a cool feeling...Good luck with the move and I am sure you will make a great mom!

brooke said...

I'm glad you have lots of silver linings. And I'm proud of you too. :)

Cate Subrosa said...

Good for you. I know it's hard, but change is good. I'm sure good things are coming for you.

Angela said...

Change is never fun, especially when it's not on your own terms. You'll make it to that other side soon enough though. Hang in there!