Monday, June 09, 2008

Rented Space

[Hi all - Lara here. Some of you may remember that about a month ago, I offered my space for rent. One of you out there reading needed a safe space to vent, and I am happy to help. Please offer your support to this reader, just as you would to me. Thanks all.]


I hate you.

You know who you are.

You are supposed to love me, my kids, more than anything. And sometimes you do.

But only if you know where your next drug is coming from. The supply is handy, you can pop it or snort it at any time.

Tonight, I had to lock my kids in the living room, while I picked the door to your bathroom push your body away from the door, to lift you up off the floor and drag you to bed. I had to wash the powder residue from the sink. I had to make excuses to my three and five year olds, "Grammy isn't feeling well" I said, knowing one day, if not already, they'd know you do this to yourself.

I hate you.

I hate that for as long as I can remember I've been unable to depend on you.

I hate that sometimes you're so much fun to be around I even forget how awful it can be.

I hate that I've had to leave my kids in the car while I ran in to see if you were decent.

I hate that I've left them with you, when you were "fine" to come to pick them up a few hours later and you'd be messed up.with my babies in your care.

I hate that I have to keep telling them that they can't stay at Grammy's anymore, that I take the heat for being mean, when all I'm trying to do is keep you from accidentally killing them.

I hate that when you've taken too much, you deny it, even though you sit across from us at dinner, your eyes closed, your face falling in your plate.

I hate that my kids seem to think it's so normal for you to act this way.

I hate you.

I hate that when I told you my closest friend had died, you cried, and I couldn't.

I hate that you use me as an excuse to use drugs.if I get sick you need them, if I get depressed you need them, if I get angry and stop speaking to you, you use.

I hate all your promises, the ones you never keep.

I hate that when I keep your prescription meds so you wont over use them, you come up with 101 excuses for needing extra.

I hate that our every conversation revolves around what drugs you need and how soon I'll be over to give them to you.

I hate that I'm all you got, and you're all I got.

I hate that I have to worry about you, you're my mother, why do I have to mother you too?

But mostly.

I love you , and you're killing me, one pill at a time.


Maggie said...

My heart goes out to you, and although there are no words to fix things, know that my thoughts are with you.

flutter said...

Oh honey.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing. Know that others share in your grief and are willing ears and shoulders. You are a great mom to keep your kids safe and sound no matter how hard it is to say no.

Lara - Thanks for being that safe place.

Cate Subrosa said...

{{{Anonymous writer}}}

Mrs. Chili said...

The fact that you're able to articulate this means that you're still above water. Keep being strong and recognize that your mother's choices are not YOUR choices. You are not her problem, and she is not yours. You get to make different choices than she did - and does. Hold that anger and use it to save yourself...and your children.

michelle said...

I am so glad that you found this space to vent...please keep venting...wherever you can find the outlet. You have a lot to say and deserve to be heard as you shoulder what sounds like a lot to manage. Mostly know that wherever you are I will send extra thoughts out for you and your kids.

Anonymous said...

Oh good lord.

This was beautiful and heart-achingly sad simultaneously.

I wish I knew of a solution. Or at least the right words to say.

Anonymous said...

You and your mother are in my prayers. I hope this works itself out.

Anonymous said...

It's things like this that make me realize that my life ain't so bad. That credit card bill? Yeah. Pretty insignificant.

Cling to your kids.


Major Bedhead said...

I watched my friend struggle with similar issues and even after cutting ties, she still feels guilt over it. I hope that you can find someone to talk to, to help you sort thru all the crap you're going thru.

I admire your strength in dealing with this and with being able to put it all out here for everyone to read.

BetteJo said...

Awful situation to be in. Destructive habits and addictions all emeshed with family relationships and love. And yes, hate. Sorry it's like that for you.

Lara said...

anonymous writer - i hope you understand that none of your mother's choices are yours to take on. i know that it's difficult to be in the situation you're in, but it's even more difficult to rise above it, and i'm amazed at the strength you're showing in succeeding in that. you are doing your best, and that's all anyone can ask of you. someday, your children will thank you for all you do for them. until then, well, i'll thank you for them.

thank you.