Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Rented Space - Situation Impossible

[We have another rental post today. You've all been amazing in lending support so far, and I have no doubt that you'll continue. I know you're all kind and loving people, but I'd just like to remind everyone that I will not tolerate judgmental or mean comments. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. Thanks much.]

I have no one I can talk about this with. It has slowly killed me and eaten me up inside. I never talk about this, I never have even written about it in my own personal blogs under lock and key. And yet, I'm about to explode right here on the internet because I have to end this. I have to say no. If I don't...I just have too.

I love you. I don't know when it happened or how but I know it with every beat of my heart, I love you. I can remember the very first email you ever sent to me and I remember thinking how damn cheesy you sounded. I told you how cheesy you sounded and then you decided to respond being real. I laughed because you were calling me out for calling you out. We emailed each other all day that first day and I remember thinking...'he's pretty funny. Not cute but funny'.

Within weeks, we had switched to talking on IM at nights. After I put the kids to bed, got things ready for work, I waited for that buzz sound to come through and literally would run to the computer. We would stay up for hours IM'ing. During the day, we had switched to each others work emails and then soon phone calls but I felt safe. After all...you were married.

Being married, there SHOULDN'T have been anything you wanted from me. Oh yeah, I knew what you could have wanted but once you understood my own divorce, we seemed to fall into a comfortable online friendship. Eventually you pushed for a meeting. I hemmed and hawed and finally I said okay. For months, though, I broke dates. For months I would leave you hanging. I knew what I was doing. I was testing you. See WHEN you would break. Because you would eventually break. And yet you never did. You said that if we were meant to meet, we would. If not, we would be friends for life because you needed me in your life in some shape or form. Words I needed and wanted to hear. Soon after saying that, we met.

This has been 4 years going on 5.

We've had some very hard years. We've had family members die. Births. We've had to deal with my jealous ex husband. We've met members of each others families. We've even had a rough year where you moved out of your home and separated from your wife. Never once did you say you did it for me. I wouldn't want you to do that for me. If you didn't come to me out of love I sure didn't want you to come to me out of 'not having no place else to go...'

A couple weeks ago things changed. We got serious one night and a lot of things were said that...crossed lines. We said things out loud that a ...cheating husband and his mistress shouldn't ever say to each other. You spoke of feeling for me like you had never felt for her. You imagine how life would be like if you two hadn't ever happened. I wondered how you two would have been if WE never had happened. You asked how come I had never tried to contact your wife, knowing that I have all information TO contact her and I told you that it wasn't in me to cause her anymore pain than I was already causing. After this long talk I remember you scratching your head...you know, that thing you do when you know there is something you have to do but you dread doing it...yeah...that thing.

I want you happy. I know that you love your wife. I know that sounds absolutely crazy. But if you feel happier being with her...I want that for you. But see now I did the very thing you jokingly said to me one day and that was 'don't fall in love with me'. I feel in love and I can not take this another day. I know you will never walk away from me. You've said you will never tell me no, and you haven't. You will not leave me and it will have to be me who does the leaving and in doing so, hurt the very person I never would want to hurt. I could almost take easier then say goodbye to you one more night or have to wait until the morning to talk to you about something important. Its only half a life..a life I'm stealing from another woman. I want more for me. I NEED more for me.


Teacha said...


I can't give advice, but please accept my compassion for your situation.

Wish you the best.

Marcus Aurelius said...

You don't realize it yet, but down is up. The water is turbulent, but if you are still enough, you can feel the direction the bubbles are going. Follow them.

But I think you already are, hence my opening sentence.

Sara said...

What a difficult situation to be in. But I agree with you, if he can't give you forever, you can't continue, relationships like these take without giving back. I'll be praying for you.

Cate Subrosa said...

As well you know, you deserve whole. We all deserve whole. And it's out there for you...

Transitions are always turbulent, but change is good. Stay strong.

Wolf Lover Girl said...

Congratulations - I think you just took the first step. Good luck to you! You *do* deserve more.

~ Wolf Lover Girl

flutter said...

this tore my heart open

Lara said...

on behalf of the anonymous writer, thank you all for being so supportive and understanding. i think she feared a serious backlash of judgment, and instead she found encouragement for taking the first step forward. she has also told me that because of your support and her ability to say what she needed to say, she has taken a few more steps in the right direction. you all lived up to all my hopes and expectations, as i knew you would, so thank you.

Anonymous said...

I can tell you I know of what you speak. It's a life, but it's not a fair one to yourself. I wish you the best - I could never tell anyone else to stop when I haven't. Luck and love.