Sunday, January 20, 2008

Wash Your Hands After Handling Raw Google-age

Well, the thing about working with sick kids is that it is all but inevitable that I get sick also. So I've spent the weekend alternating between the couch and my bed, carrying a roll of toilet paper around (to use as faux tissues), and occasionally drinking some orange juice. I cough, I sneeze, I sniffle, and I moan. Every so often, someone says something helpful like, "You sound awful," to which I reply, "I look nice, too." Because let me tell you something: Nothing is sexier than a gal in sweats, wrapped in a blanket, with a bright red nose, mouth gaping open, and drooping eyelids. I look like death warmed over.

But never think that I would abandon you, even in these dark times of illness. I still have Google-age to share, because my being sick doesn't stop the crazies from searching out strange and unusual things on the interwebs. So, please enjoy this week's offering of insanity while I curl up over here and hack up my lungs. No, really, don't mind me - I'm fine.

Who Needs WebMD?

self harm don't cut yourself vertically - Or, maybe, just don't cut yourself at all. That might be even better.

feels like breathing skips - I get the same way when I watch old episodes of Dallas. That Larry Hagman was just too much!

vomiting by sex - Unless this is morning sickness due to pregnancy, I think you've got a big problem. Sex really shouldn't be triggering regurgitation.

thick girls naked - Remarkably similar to thin girls naked. When it comes down to it, all the hardware is the same, guys.

list of emotions to heal - Is this, like, the magic list that all doctors are working on curing? Depression, sadness, anger... Is 'flatulence' an emotion?

crying is exhausting - It's so true. And then I just want to fall over and cry, because I'm SO tired!

bruised feet in toddlers - Someone has gotten their spanking signals mixed.

What Are You REALLY Talking About?

"aussies are laid back" - I knew an "Aussie" once, but he was not "laid back" at all. He was, however, laid, so I guess it all evens out.

life like dolls for education - Whoa, what kind of education here? Are we talking old school Home Economics? CPR? Or are we talking about "sex education"? 'Cause I gotta say that if you're learning with a doll, you're doing it wrong.

lilo and stitch uncensored life - Finally, a full-frontal visit with my two favorite cartoon characters. I see wild and crazy times in our future.

alice in wonderland XXX - I wonder if this airs right after Lilo and Stitch's Uncensored Life. What a powerhouse hour that would be!

electric amish furnace - Well, since I know that the Amish don't use anything electric, this must be code for something else. "Hey, Abel, what're you doing tonight?" "Oh, nothing, just spending some time with my electric amish furnace." "Oooh..."

Fuzzy Sticks - Yeah, I'm not falling for that one again. I'm not going to hold your "fuzzy sticks," no matter how nicely you ask.

regency stuff - You know what I'm talking about, so don't act like you don't.

"nose scarf" - Wow. That's one I haven't heard before.

I Know EXACTLY What You Mean

I feel like I am in a deep dark hole and I cut myself - Find some friends to help you out. If you look closely enough, you might even see some there with you in the darkness.

TMDAFM and red - I have some great new TMDAFM (Throw Me Down And F--- Me) red satin pumps. Aren't they sexy?

i never seem to have enough shoes - Neither do I! That's why I'm always buying more.

sex first time jitters
- Yeah, I was pretty nervous. But I made sure I waited until I felt comfortable and ready, and that helped ease the nerves tremendously. Having a nice guy helps too.

quizzes to waste time - Oh, yeah, I've done these.

life kicks your ass sometimes - Yes, it does. But sometimes, if you're lucky, you feel good enough to kick back.

sex on google is good - Yeah, totally. All my best sex is on Google. Seriously - go look for it.

And my favorite from this week:

waste some time - I think we just did.

Happy Sunday!


BetteJo said...

Hope you feel better!
Fabulous shoes for sure -
and as always - terrific google-age!

flutter said...

those shoes are fab! You always get the best google searches.

Feel better!

Anonymous said...

I suppose only mice and their friends know what nose scarves are, though I mentioned this particular article of winter wear once in connection with your post on non-buyer's remorse. You will observe that most animals hide their noses under their front legs or wings when they are cold. But suppose you're an industrious mouse -- let's suppose further one endowed with a handsome large nose -- pursuing a PhD and have your nose perpetually in a book instead of under your furry, warm front leg. What to do about a cold nose? Wrap it in a nose scarf, of course! This is particularly easy when you have a pile of them in your closet as gifts from your dear Great Aunt Francine, whose knitting needles duel ceaselessly -- alas for the fashion conscious -- with yarn whose colors are best matched with polyester plaid suits from the decade before you were born.

Maggie said...

As always, Sunday is one of my favorite days because of Google Age. Too funny!

Feel better soon - it's no fun at all to be sick. Especially when you spend your days climbing after small people.

Sandra Evertson said...

Great blog here!
Sandra Evertson

gnomesque said...

Pfft, Google-age is never a waste of time - anything that provides a good laugh must be worthwhile.

I hope you feel better soon!

Mayberry said...

Well, that was a new acronym for me. Thanks Sunday Google-age!

Hanlie said...

Hope you feel better soon! Good to see the googling crazies haven't been idle!

And while I'm not a shoe person, those ones are seriously fab!

Anonymous said...

ooh cute shoes! Jealous, right here!

I love your google-age. The most common google I get is "l spoon blog' just bookmark me already! Geez! :)

I hope you feel better soon!

Ali said...

yout google searches are always my favorite to read! love!

Guilty Secret said...

Hope you feel better soon... it is a nasty occupational hazard I'm afraid :(

Anonymous said...

I don't understand the concept of death warmed over. Why does it need to be warmed or otherwise changed? It's already death.

Aussie Boy said...

He he. You said laid. He he.