Sunday, November 11, 2007

A Very SEX-y Google-age

A few things that have occurred to me recently, all under one particular theme...

Aly was named as one of November's "Bangable Blog Babes" at this site. While I'm certainly not going to deny that she's a hottie, I'm not sure being called "bangable" by some random guy on the internet is a compliment. Which is all to say that I'm horribly jealous and want to be "bangable" too.

Have you heard of The Cone? No? It's supposedly one of the greatest sex toys out there for women right now. Well, funny thing about it: Did you know there was a medieval torture device called the Judas Chair that was a very similar construction? Proving, yet again, that sex toys and torture devices are not so different as we might have imagined.

Can I just say how much I love that I can talk to my mom about things like dog collars and leashes? (And if you're thinking, "I don't see what the big deal is about talking to someone about dog stuff," then you've forgotten the theme of these bullet points.)

"Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade" is just about the greatest porn title ever. EVER.

Last, but not least, if you like talking and/or reading about sex, I highly recommend taking a trip to the Queen's Bedroom. She rocks something fierce.

People Unclear on the Concept

comforting a child who's vomiting by holding their hair - That's nice and all, but I think some Pepto and saltines might comfort the child a little better.

I do not love you because i do not love myself - No, see, the way it works is that you love me and then I love you. If you're just going to love yourself then you don't need me. That's what The Cone is for.

birthday presents for 25 year old guys - How sweet that you want to get me a present! But I'm a 25-year-old girl, not guy.

what do you mean by education? - Um, I mean, education?

what do you mean by valentine? - Again, I think I mean valentine. What do you mean?

tips for learning australian accent - Accents aren't something you learn. They're just something you pick up, like new skills. Or STDs.

polite blogging - Hahahaha! Not here, kid.

tiny, flat, no boob pics - Also not here. I'm a far cry from perfect, but a lack of boobs is not one of my problems.

a birthday wish by the birthday person - No, birthday wishes go TO the birthday person, they're not made BY the birthday person.

dominatrix wearing ballet flats - No self-respecting dominatrix would be caught dead in ballet flats. Not while working, anyway.

writing a personal narrative for someone else - Well then it's not "personal" anymore, is it?

how bad is it to have a crush on your cousin? - Pretty bad, dood.

It's So Hard to Say Goodbye

goodbye letter when leaving teaching - "So long, chumps - I've decided to have a life again."

teacher goodbye summer letter - "Dear summer: I'm really sad to have to part ways with you so soon. It feels like only yesterday that I was running into your arms in search of sanity. Oh, wait, that was yesterday. Love, Teacher."

i was so sad when i said goodbye to my teachers - Good, that probably means you had good teachers. Or that they gave you free drugs.

quotes from a mom to a daughter on graduation - "You owe me 18 years of rent."

i try but the words get tangled up in my mouth - Those aren't words, they're small pieces of yarn. Spit them out, then try again.

WTFs of the Week:

personal essay on life as a roller skater in metaphor way - I beg your pardon?

what kind of juice cleans pennies? - Penny-cleaning juice?

heart broken that i was my boo baby life poem sayings - WTF?!

Until next time...


Kennethwongsf said...

A sex toy can be an incredibly cruel torture device if you subject someone to it beyond his/her threshold for the sensation it produces. (Note: Don't try this stunt without the supervision of qualified professionals.)

Aussie Boy said...

"Australian Lessons 101" is a new course offered by Mountain View Community College. Aimed at those with limited-to-no experience with the Australian language, our expert instructors will cover a range of day-to-day vocabulary and pronunciation techniques designed to have you confidently walking the streets of far-off Sydney, or simply being able to adequately communicate with your Australian friends.

"I never had a bloody clue what the dopey bastard was talking about until I took these grouse lessons. Now I've got the lingo down pat she's all good mate! Thanks Mountain View college - your course is tops!"

- Lazza Doyle (course graduate)

Anonymous said...

Yeah.. I'm not sure about it being a compliment either, but you know what? Since I'm practically single right now, that's the most attention I've had in four months. I'll take it! ;)

Mrs. Chili said...

YOU are very funny!

Guilty Secret said...

Don't you make a wish before you blow out the candles on your birthday cake? Is that a British thing?

Natalie said...

Oh, darling. I've always thought that you're eminently bangable.

flutter said...

heart broken that i was my boo baby life poem sayings- Bless you!

Anonymous said...

I have it on good authority that the cone is pretty awesome. But I'm a guy, so I don't know first hand. I think it really would be torture for me. Yeeesh.

Caffeinated Librarian said...

*sigh* You mean there really is a site that does nothing but list "bangable" female bloggers? *Insert eye roll here.* Aly, honey, I don't know you but you have my sympathies.

Congrats on your "no more cutting" anniversary, Lara! That's wonderful...although I can't believe that THAT much time has passed. *Eep!* We're getting to be old hats, aren't we? ;-)

Lara said...

kennethSF - you're right, of course. i guess this just made it REALLY clear, ya know?

aussie boy - you call shopping carts "trolleys." hahahahaha... "trolleys." that never gets old.

aly - you are totally not even close to single, you big liar. and you'll be with your man soon enough, just you wait. :)

mrs. chili - funny-LOOKING!

guilty secret - yeah, we do that here too. it just never occurred to me that those were the wishes in question. but maybe you're right. of course, that makes it significantly less funny, so let's just keep that between you and me.

natalie - aw shucks. :-P

flutter - thanks?

kaiser - yeah, i always hear great things about it. maybe you should try it sometimes; it might be less torturous than you think. ;)

CL - yes, there really is a site like that. and yes, we are getting to be old hats at this blogging thing. i remember your first comment, only a week or so before i went to the hospital. we've come a long way since then, huh?