Wednesday, November 07, 2007

525,600 Minutes

One year. 365 days. 525,600 minutes.

That's how long it's been since I last cut myself.

(Well, that's how long it's been since I last cut myself on purpose. I accidentally knicked my wrist on my car antenna a few months back - which hurt like you would NOT believe - and realized something important. When you're a cutter, this:

will really freak your friends out.)

Yes, I am a cutter. And, as I've said before, I will always be a cutter. No matter how long I go without cutting myself again (and I hope it will be forever), I will still always be a cutter, because deep down, it'll always be there, tempting me. When things go bad, I know that relief - however temporary - is just a cut or two away. You can liken it to alcoholism in that way, or eating disorders; the danger is always with you.

But in spite of that, there is hope. I have learned a lot in the past year, and my therapist gave me a lot of tools to help me cope with my problems better in the future. She gave me options, so that when the time came (as it inevitably did) when I wanted to cut myself, I knew there were other things I could do - healthier things that wouldn't set me back in my progress. I've learned to rely on my friends whenever I can, and to think and feel differently about myself when I'm alone. It is a much healthier life I'm living now.

Given how much has happened over this last year - how many ups and downs I've had to face - I am inordinately proud of myself for not having turned to a razor, or a push pin, or a shard of glass for comfort. It would have been so easy to hide in bed and bleed my troubles away, but I didn't. I took the tough road and asked for help when I needed it. And I pulled through.

The scars are still there, but they are faded now, barely noticeable to anyone who doesn't know to look for them. There are other scars - internal scars - but they're fading too, a little bit every day.

365 days, and I am healing nicely.

(P.S. More healing photos over at my photo blog.)


Anonymous said...

Good for you babe. So proud!

Aussie Boy said...

G'day mate,

Congrats on your 525,600 minutes. The world's a better place for it.

I hope all's well on your side of the world. I've slipped into a kind of nocturnal mode over here in Frogville too, but it's more "Cat-like" in that I just sleep and work when I feel like it. (Unsurprisingly Sleep has given beating Work such a brutal beating that Work has been hiding in the space behind my wardrobe and is scared to come out.)

Just heard "Don't stop believing" for the first time in roughly 170,000 minutes, and was amazed by the warm-fuzzy feeling I got. (Hence I'm on here vomitting textual.)

Anyways mate, hope all's well.

Aussie Boy xo

P.S. This blog still sucks

P.P.S Say hit to Jitta and the kitties for me.

Anonymous said...

It's been 6 years for me. Coping becomes easier but I still have my moments.

Congrats to you, it's definitely something you should be proud of.

Mrs. Chili said...

Let me add my voice to the congratulations here.

As a college professor, I come into contact with a lot of people - particularly girls - who cut (or, more accurately, girls who USED to cut). One of my favorite students (I KNOW we're not supposed to have favorites, but I do - sue me) is a cutter-in-recovery, and I have to be honest in saying that I just don't understand it. I'm trying, but my incomprehension makes it difficult for me to be helpful to her, and that bothers me...

Mayberry said...

One year -- you really have come a long way! Good for you!

Dee said...

Congrats on making it through the year. I'm so proud of your accomplishment! You have indeed come a long way.

Carol said...

I bite my nails REALLY severely. I think it's akin to cutting in a way... isn't it? The pain-pleasure...?


Anonymous said...

It's so great that things in your life are getting better. Hopefully year two will be even better than year one.

mks said...

I have been reading your blog for a month or so now and I guess all I can say is "good for you". Yous houdl feel immensely proud of yourself for this past year. I look forward to reading more every day.

Nk. said...

You know that film Finding Nemo? My favorite character there is Dory (voiced by the fantabulous Ellen DeGeneres). She never seemed "together" but she never gave up. They got lost in the great big sea and she just kept saying, "just keep on swimming, keep on swimming" -- and eventually, they found their way =)

Congratulations on your recovery and hope for more happier times for you. =)

...and thanks for coming by my blog!

tpiglette said...

We are all so proud of you. And you know we'll always be here cheering you on. *big hug*

You know, I don't think I can say "525,600 minutes" in my head without singing it...

Lara said...

aussie boy - holy shit! good to see you, kid! jitta says hi back. :)

jackie - six years. wow. massive congrats to you.

mrs. chili - one of the reasons i talk pretty openly about it is in the hopes of helping people like you, who have to deal with cutters but don't necessarily understand the impulse to cut.

carol - yes, there are definite similarities there. have you tried to quit?

tpiglette - yeah, i keep singing it too. :-P

BetteJo said...

I'm incredibly happy for you!

Kennethwongsf said...

Lara: Reach out to somebody when you feel that urge coming on. You'll find that most people can identify with the pain, isolation, grief, and frustration you're feeling.

Congratulations on the milestone!

Anonymous said...

God bless you, sweetie pie, and I pray for your continued success in this and in every other area of your life.