Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Cosby Was Right

Kids do say the darnedest things. Here I offer some recent gems from one girl in particular: Beloved. Beloved recently joined us as one of our older kids at the ripe old age of four and a half. She is spoiled like you would not believe, but she's so polite about it, that it becomes more eerie than annoying. She reminds me a lot of that girl from The Bad Seed, with her pretty dresses and perfect manners and blatant expectation that she will get whatever she wants. I'm trying not to turn my back on her for too long at a stretch, because I do not want to end up at the bottom of the river purely because she wants my new headband.

She looks like this, actually, except less cute and more frightening.

Here's a transcript of our very first exchange:

Me: Hi, I'm Miss Lara. What's your name?
Beloved: Beloved. Who are you?
Me: I'm one of the teachers, like Boss Lady.
Beloved: Oh. [pause] Are you anybody's mother?
Me: [surprised pause] Um, no. Are
you anybody's mother?
Beloved [laughing]: No, silly - I'm too little! But you're big.

Me [now laughing]: You're right - I'm big enough to be somebody's mother, but I'm not.

Last week, while sitting at the lunch table, she told me a joke that just made my head hurt with confusion:

Beloved: Knock, knock.
Me: Who's there?
Beloved: Who.
Me: Who who?
Beloved: There's someone outside the door!
Me: Huh?
Beloved: Don't cry, it's only a joke!

Somehow, I think her knock-knock jokes have all gotten mixed up in her head, because while that punchline is familiar, I'm pretty sure it goes with a different opening. But hey, at least she wasn't trying to hurt me.

Beloved often wants to play "family" with the other kids, which basically means she wants to pretend she's their mother and/or wife and then boss them around a lot while calling them "Sweetie." It's precious to watch, really, and quite telling of her home life. Of course, most of the other kids don't like this game very much, not really because she's mean to them, but because they find the whole scenario rather boring. She came up to me on the side of the playground a few days ago and we had this brief exchange:

Beloved: Excuse me, Miss Lara.
Me: Yes, Beloved, what do you need?
Beloved: I need one girl and one boy to play with me.
Me [struggling not to laugh]: You'll have to work that out with the other students, Beloved. It's not my job to make them play with you.

But today, she found a willing playmate in Princess, another little girl at the school, and taught me a little something about the modern family:

Beloved: Do you want to play with me?
Princess: Yeah.

Beloved: Do you want to play "family"?

Princess: Yeah.

Beloved: Okay, I'll be the mommy, and you can be the mommy, and we have a baby.

And what was my first thought? "Maybe there's hope for her yet..."

Of course, after about two minutes, Princess got bored and wandered over to the sandbox, and Beloved did that creepy narrowing-of-eyes that she does right before she kills someone.

Well, that's what it looks like anyway.


Anonymous said...

Ha.. the narrowed eyes part is creeping me out. Could be because of the spooky vacant doll expression I'm picturing in my head!

Anonymous said...

I hope you have eyes in the back of your head Miss Lara!

Guilty Secret said...

Ha ha that was very funny. The knock knock joke made my head hurt, though.Beloved reminds me of a little girl I used to look after. Too creepy!

Still Jill B said...

Ouch! Poor Art Linkletter just rolled over in his grave and cried. Oh, wait, he's still alive. My bad, too.

Lara said...

jill b - meh, i go with the most well-known. well, most well-known to me, at any rate. :-P

Bryan said...

Little girls creep me out. I think Hollywood has something to do with this.

BetteJo said...

I immediately thought Art Linkletter too.
I feel so old. :)

Anonymous said...

"I need one boy and one girl to play with me" ... good luck with that Beloved, good luck =)

flutter said...

Um, excuse me, Ms Lara? I need one million dollars and a group of adoring fans to feed me peeled grapes.

*narrows eyes*

Lara said...

flutter - hahahahaha! yeah, um, i'll get right on that. ;)

Anonymous said...

'Narrowing Eyes'.... Keep an eye on that one! And I'd stop wearing headbands!

Unknown said...

You can't make these stories up- only witnessing the actions and conversations first hand make you realize why that show "Kids say the Darndest Things" was such a hit!

Wolf Lover Girl said...

I remember wanting to play family when I was little. I "played" like I was brushing my teeth and such but didn't like to actually do it. Wierd!

~ Wolf Lover Girl

Kennethwongsf said...

I'm ashamed to admit my version of the knock-knock joke is infinitely worse than Beloved's.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Yodel Lay Hee.
Yodel Lay Hee Who?
Yodel Lay Hee O.

(See what I mean?)

Lara said...

kennethSF - i've heard that one, though i always thought the punchline was "i didn't know you could yodel!" shows what i know. :-P

Kennethwongsf said...

Lara: I think yours is the correct punchline. Mine is just, well, screwed up!

Trina said...

It's funny how even small children have the ability to creep you out. It just goes to show, somethings you are born with, like good looks, athletic ability, creepy, slightly demonic tendencies. hmmmm. I'd watch out if I were you.

Dallas Blue said...

knock knock?
who's there?
Boo who?
Just a joke, no need to cry!

Lara said...

sassy - yeah, see, with the opening she had, i was expecting, "there must be an owl around here!" and then she went and busted out the "don't cry, it's only a joke!" strange girl, i'm telling you...

Yuriko said...

I'm imagining a little Shirley Temple look-alike in crinoline and lace with a bow in her hair. Hey, maybe she'll tapdance for you before throwing a bowl of jell-o in your lap for not getting her knock-knock joke. :)

Mom101 said...

She starts fires with her mind, doesn't she. I bet she does.

Lara said...

yh - so far, no crinoline. but the lace and the hair bows? every day. with sparkly shoes, too.

mom101 - God only knows, but i think she just might.

Anonymous said...

My kids tell very similar jokes I'm afraid! Knock, knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? You better wash your dirty hair! Then they laugh hysterically. Where have I gone wrong?

Angela said...

I love listening in on conversations that kids have amongst themselves. Too cute.

mks said...

Ha I loved this post. I used to teach Kindergarten and then 4th grade - at each age kids are definitely a challenging, funny, cute, adorable, and all that. Beloved sure sounds like a keeper. I hope your students parents don't come across your blog - just something to watch out for you know.