Thursday, June 28, 2007

Feels Like Home

You know it's a bad day when you go to take off your makeup and you realize that you've already cried off every last speck of mascara.

I recently had to drop by J.'s condo to pick up a few costuming items for an upcoming performance. When he answered the door, I headed towards the living room while he gathered the pieces he was loaning me. I stood there, looking around, breathing in... and out...


Back when we were still together, J. and I talked about getting a place of our own for many months before finally deciding to look. We started going out with a realtor all the way in October (of 2005), but we didn't finally find a place we were willing to commit to until March (of 2006).

March 17 was when the sale closed, and we had dinner in it that very night. We had no furniture moved in yet, no dishes or silverware, no lights even. But we ordered pizza, with paper plates and plastic forks and cans of soda, and we sat on the living room floor and ate in front of the fireplace. It was our first meal in our first home together.

The day we officially moved in, we had hired movers to arrive at 9am. Surprisingly, everything was moved and unloaded by 11:30, so J. and I headed out for some lunch. When we got back, we flopped onto our bed, exhausted already by the day, but excited to be home together. As we were lying there, J. looked at me and said, "We have a house now. Let's get married and have lots of sex and babies." [That makes a lot more sense if you're familiar with the film Love Actually.] I laughed and we started joking about the movie, but eventually, he said, "You didn't answer." So I said yes.

I was so thrilled when my mom came to visit a few months later. I beamed as I gave her the tour - our first home together. I talked about where we would put the nursery when we started having kids in a few years, and when we would start thinking of moving to a bigger house for more space. But for that moment, I was happy, because it was our home. Our home together.

J. still lives there, and when I talk about going there, that's how I refer to it - as J.'s place, or J.'s condo. But I remember when it was ours.


When J. came out of his bedroom with the vest and tie I needed, he saw me standing in the living room, looking wistful. He asked if I was okay, and when I looked over, he saw that I was crying. "It still smells the same," I sighed, gesturing to the house.

J. shrugged and looked around. "It just smells like home," he said.

I nodded as the tears swept over my cheeks. "Yeah it does."


Anonymous said...


I feel moved to comment that you write beautifully.

Love from your favorite comment slacker =)

Teacha said...


Aimee said...

You do write beautifully. Many hugs for you, sweetie.

Dee said...

Oh honey, I know that feeling well. Hang in there. I'm sending happy thoughts and hugs your way.

Still Jill B said...

To join the chorus, I liked that.

Anonymous said...

I don't like him. Please tell him that.

Anonymous said...

That was lovely, and so sad. :(

Anonymous said...

Oh Lara. A sad story beautifully told.

Anonymous said...

I don't like him either but I loved your story.;)

GHD said...

That was very nicely put and very bittersweet, Lara. Hugs!

Lara said...

tali - you're not *that* much of a comment slacker. i mean, just compare yourself to your other half... ;)

proverbs - (((hugs))) back to you, kid.

aimee - thanks, dear.

dee - i'm still hanging. i don't let it get to me most of the time. at least, i try not to.

jill b - i liked what came out of it, but the experience itself wasn't too fun.

nutmeg - i'm sure he read it for himself, so no need for me to tell him. he really isn't a bad guy though - it's not his fault that i miss our home together.

aly - lovely and sad. quite a combo i've got there.

mayberry - thanks, lady, that means a lot to me from you.

r u serious? - like i told jill b, i liked the way the story turned out on paper, but living it wasn't great.

GHD - thank you. bittersweet is the perfect word.

Anonymous said...

Yea...I know the feeling very well. I've been there when I was sad for me and I was there when I was sad for all of us.

CC said...

I'm sorry you are still hurting :( It is hard not to be reminded of the pain when you are faced with being in a setting that was so central to it. Kind of like a scent that reminds you of something very particular or that immediately carries you to a past experience.

I get the feeling, though, that you have made significant progress since the last time you posted about a similar topic.

Wolf Lover Girl said...

I would have found it hard to go over there in the first place, you're much stronger than me!

~ Wolf Lover Girl