Monday, April 23, 2007

True Confessions

I'm scared to post this.

Aly, in her venerable wisdom, suggested we post our deepest secrets - "spill the beans," so to speak. Teacher Anonymous and Teacher Jane have both taken her up on the offer, and I think others might have a post on the way, too. Never one to ignore a bandwagon as it drives past, I thought I'd jump on.

I do want to say something first, though. I considered doing easy ones - little tidbits about me that you might not know, like about my tongue piercing or something. But then I decided to test my bravery by admitting to some things that really do make me ashamed sometimes. These are real, honest confessions, and I'm asking you, please, not to judge too harshly. In some cases, they're things I'm trying to change my own attitude about; in others, they're things I'm just trying to change completely.

  • I am a virgin. By choice. And I don't think I should be ashamed of that, but I sometimes am.
  • Even though I usually don't think I'm very attractive, I am obsessed with looking at myself in mirrors and photographs.
  • I think I'm a good poet, a good writer, and a good dancer. Even when I say I don't.
  • When I was 16 and my dad was in the hospital, I had parties at the house. During one of them, two of the boys got in a fight and ripped a hole in one of Dad's speakers. During another, we broke a picture frame. I never told him any of it.
  • I have used my depression as an excuse to not do things I haven't wanted to do.
  • I have judged others for being depressed when I felt they didn't have a valid reason. By which I mean "as valid as mine."
  • I have said and done things explicitly to hurt people who have hurt me, even if I feel they hurt me by accident.
  • When I call customer service and I get someone with a foreign accent, my initial response is to think he/she won't be as competent as someone without one.
  • I have seen mothers doing their best with their kids and thought, "I could do better than that."
  • I have had moments working with some of my students where I have thought, "God, how can you still not GET this?"
  • I have had moments as a nanny dealing with tantrums where I really wanted to just scream back at the kids.
  • I have talked about friends behind their backs. I have also pretended not to be close friends with someone when discussing that person with others who don't like him/her, even if he/she is one of my closest friends.
  • I have judged other bloggers for confessions they've made. I hate knowing that some of you will judge me for mine.

I will click "publish" anyway.


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

I not only can't help but push people away, but I also enjoy it.

Unknown said...

Welcome to Humanity. Buckle your seatbelt, we could be in for a bumpy ride. As we climb to a cruising altitude, we'll be passing over Judgement City, population: Everyone.

I know very, very few people who haven't judged someone, or used an inappropriate excuse to get out of something they didn't want to do.

So, really, what I mean to say is: Me too, and I love you.

Anonymous said...

Don't change a THING!! It's just human nature .... Coincidentially, I posted similar thoughts on my other blog last night. We would NEVER judge you for expressing your feelings!

Bottom line: Your are sooo normal!!

aMom2E said...

I hope I can be that brave when I do a confessions blog...

Also, Whew!!! I have missed you!!! It was such a joy when I finally got to the L's on my RSS feed and got to your blog! I am so glad I am almost not sick any more so I can keep in touch!!

Anonymous said...

I continue to be amazed by your bravery and openness. I did one of these in high school and it was freaking scary to hit "publish" -- I don't think I could do this now, honestly, though I'd like to think I could.

Also - ditto what Sassy said =). She put it much better than me.

dancing dragon said...

I say, wear #1 proudly. :D I had responses to some of the other confessions, but that's all for now...

Anonymous said...

You are incredibly brave ---- and absolutely not alone, because I hear you on a lot of your confessions, chook. xo I'm right there with you.

CaliforniaTeacherGuy said...

You'll get no judgment from me--only kudos for your forthrightness.

TSM Oregon said...

Ahh! This is like my original MEME! :) YAY!

Saving yourself for whatever reason is an admirable decision, and I applaud you for it.

I also applaud your honesty, and am relieved to see some of myself in there as well.

Kilgore Trout said...

I'm judging the hell out of you.
Amazingly honest, intelligent, strong willed, creative and quite attractive. Everyone judges everyone else, which is why I'm not as open as you on my blog.

This is the one that stuck out for me.

"I have talked about friends behind their backs. I have also pretended not to be close friends with someone when discussing that person with others who don't like him/her, even if he/she is one of my closest friends."

I've been there, and I hate myself for doing it.

The virgin part, I bet that was hard to say, and yet I'm not sure why. Sex is such a weird topic in this country.

Wolf Lover Girl said...

Kudos to you... I don't think I could do this on my blog! :-)

~ Wolf Lover Girl

Anonymous said...

i won't judge you...especially because i've done most of those too...

(well, clearly not the virgin bit - since i have three youngins...)

Anonymous said...

You're incredibly brave and I'm proud of you.

Angela said...

You shouldn't be so hard on yourself, because I think pretty much all of us can pass that list off as ours too.

Lara said...

kenny - very helpful, thanks. :-P that's about how i sounded when i published it.

wendell - yeah, i sometimes do too. sometimes i enjoy my self-imposed loneliness. it gives me something to complain about.

sassy - well worded, kid. thanks, and i love you back.

r u serious? - thanks for the support. :)

ffbgirl - i'm sure you can be that brave. it's just a matter of trusting the people reading. and i'm so glad you're healthy enough to be back and reading again! i missed you too. :)

tali - i bet you could, if you really wanted to push yourself in that way. you'd have the same kind of support i got here, you know. :)

dancing dragon - thanks, dear. and i welcome your other comments, if you'd care to come back and make them at any time.

aly - i suppose it's good to not feel alone, but wouldn't it be better if we could all stop some of these thoughts from even entering our minds? i just can't seem to figure out how to do that.

CTG - thanks much for the kudos. forthrightness is scary sometimes.

TSM - yay for your meme coming around again! and thanks for the encouragement, and the comparison of me to you. i'm honored you see some of yourself in my posts.

kilgore trout - that's sweet, and i'm not sure it's entirely deserved. but thanks nonetheless. i hate myself for a lot of these thoughts i have too, but i'm just working to make them less and less automatic until hopefully they'll go away. and yes, the virgin thing is hard to admit, though i feel like it shouldn't be. why should that be shameful? and yet, you're right - sex is a weird issue in our culture, and somehow, being a virgin seems shameful sometimes.

wolf lover girl - i bet you could if you wanted to, but i don't think it's a necessary post for everyone to do. i think it was helpful for me, to see this support, though.

ali - well, i assume you were a virgin at some point, though... right? i mean, that's generally how these things work, i think.

seeser - thanks, big sis. i love you!

angela - yeah, but i feel like this is one of those things where it's often easy to judge others and ignore what we ourselves do. but maybe that's just me again. :-P

Anonymous said...

Nasty thoughts bubble up in our heads all the time. I blame it on four billion years of evolution. My DNA is so going to own yours! Woops, didn't mean to let that slip out.

The essential issue isn't what bubbles up to one's conscious mind. How one handles those thoughts once they get there defines one's humanity.

Lara said...

timmy - yeah, i figure acknowledging that these thoughts are non-ideal is a good step towards improving upon them. so long as i can realize when i have them, i can work to change their automatic nature. or, even if they remain automatic, i can change my actions as necessary.

confessing7girl said...

WOOWW very brave of u to make those confessions...somethings r really hard to admit!!
nice blog!!

Anonymous said...

Wow. How did I miss this post?

Reading your confessions I found myself nodding, it's not the confessions that are shocking, it's the fact that we can all probably relate to a lot of them... so it's not shocking.

Does that make sense?

Aimee said...

I missed this one too. And I can totally relate to a few of your confessions and certainly understand the others.

I am totally awed by your bravery.

Lara said...

confessing7girl - thanks, dear. i'm glad you enjoyed, even through the scary stuff.

lala - yes, it makes sense. i'm glad you found the post and opted to come read.

aimee - like i said to lala, i'm glad you found the post (better late than never!). as for bravery, well, sometimes bravery is just a front for deep-seated needs. i needed to get it off my chest, so i did. the bravery's a lot easier in those cases.