Friday, March 16, 2007

Lots of Open Letters

Dear Starbucks barista on CalAve:

Hi, remember me? I came in last weekend and ordered an iced venti vanilla latte. You asked if I was a Starbucks employee or just a regular customer, so I logically assumed that a group of employees had been ahead of me in line, and your question was to check where that group ended. But when I checked this theory with you, you told me, "No, you just said your order very quickly and in the exact right order for me to write it, so I assumed you worked here." Now, while I'm flattered to know that I impressed you with my correct ordering protocol, I do not appreciate your pointing out to Tali and K. how completely Starbucksified I have become. I also do not appreciate the shame this experience forced upon me as I realized that I may, in fact, have an addiction to the tastiness that is Starbucks. Please do not look me in the eyes when I come in tomorrow, for the embarrassment may be too much for me.

Caffeine Junkie #1278


Dear Girl on Bike Outside of Campus Library,

I feel compelled to share this with you, in case you are unaware (as, in fact, you seemed to be): No matter how careful you are getting on and off of it, you will look stupid riding a mountain bike while wearing a pencil skirt, cashmere twin set, and four inch heels. Just something to keep in mind for the future.

Amused Bystander


Dear Aly,

Oh my gosh! A cute calendar! Adorable notepads! A very sweet card! All having to do with shoes and sent from halfway across the world just to little ol' me! Thank you! You are amazing and I love you dearly, as should be evidenced by the profusion of exclamation points herein. You are a wonderful bloggy friend, chook, and I'm so glad we "met" all those months ago.

Big hugs!


Dear W.,

As you are one of my students, I do have an interest in your educational success. But more importantly, I feel it is a part of my responsibility to try, at the very least, to contribute to your social growth and maturity as well. Therefore, I would like to discuss a recent class occurrence with you.

When we were brainstorming "images associated with prosperity," I was not amused by your answer of, "How about that big ring you used to wear in the beginning of the year but you don't wear anymore?" When I suggested adding "jewelry" to the list as a more general substitute, you insisted that I write "that big ring" in parenthesis. Then, when other students asked to what you were referring, you turned and loudly announced to the class, "She used to wear this big diamond ring in the beginning of the year, and [other student] and I would always ask questions about it, but then she stopped wearing it." In this particular instance, I maintained my composure and wrote "jewelry / bling" on the board, and was thus able to distract you all with my deft usage of modern slang.

However, in the future, when something like this occurs, I will turn around and shout, as was my instinct in this case,


Miss David


Dear Nora,

I realize that you have taken a particular liking to me for some reason. When I leave the house, you spend much of the day at my closed bedroom door, crying for your "faux mommy" to come back. When I come home in the evenings, you run to greet me at the door, and commence your nightly routine of following me everywhere in the - apparent - hopes of tripping me and making me fall on my face. I appreciate the love - I really do.

That said, I would like to make one thing clear, which seems to currently be misunderstood. When I go into the bathroom, I am NOT abandoning you forever and ever. You respond to my heading towards the bathroom in one of two ways: Either you get there before me and run into the room, or you get there just after I've closed the door and you park yourself outside. In the first case, you pace the bathroom restlessly, mostly maintaining a post in front of the door, just to make sure I can't make a sneaky escape when you're not looking. Often, you'll actually lie down and stretch your Big Fat Fatty tummy out as much as you can, creating a massive and nearly immovable barricade. When you don't make it into the room in time, you cry plaintively, certain I'm sneaking out some hidden bathroom tunnel exit and leaving you for all time, and you poke your paw under the door and sweep it back and forth, hoping against hope to touch me and understand that I'm still there, just behind the closed door.

To all of this, I say: Faux Mommy would like to be able to pee in peace once in a while, so let's begin establishing a memory record to prove that - so far, at least - every time I've gone into the bathroom, I've come back out again. I promise to continue to do so.

Faux Mommy


Dear Ali,

Ooh, a meme for which I was actually tagged! That's so new for me! Hmmm... "List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what they are. They must be songs you are presently enjoying. Then tag seven other people to see what they’re listening to." Okay, here's my list:

1. "Stupid Boy" by Keith Urban
2. "Get Busy" by Sean Paul (I'm considering choreographing to this.)
3. "Wasted" by Carrie Underwood
4. "Not Ready to Make Nice" by the Dixie Chicks (Yes, I realize this song is now getting fairly old, but damned if I don't still love it.)
5. "Stand" by Rascal Flatts
6. "Keep Holding On" by Avril Lavigne
7. "It Ends Tonight" by All American Rejects

Okay, I tag Aimee, Lala, Aly, Sassy, Bryan, and Tali (just in an attempt to bring her out of hiding).

Thanks for tagging me!

Best wishes,


Dear Amanda,

Thanks so much for tagging me for the "Real Moms..." meme. I'm totally honored. I will put some serious thought into it this weekend and post early next week. It's so cool that you thought I might have something useful to contribute to the discussion. Thanks so much!

Smiles and hugs,

P.S. "Real moms take naps." :)


Dear Lara's Ability to Concentrate,

Please come back - I miss you!

- Lara


Dear All Readers Who Got This Far,

You rock something fierce.

- You know who...


Bryan said...

In your letter to Nora: "you poke your paw under the door and sweep it back and forth" know exactly what movie came to my mind. ;)

Anonymous said...

You got it! I am so glad, I was only wondering about that the other day. How bad is postage these days?

I love that the kitty loves you, and GREMLIN students indeed. How bloody annoying.

Will remember the meme for an off day this week :-D

Anonymous said...

Nora is preparing you for potential parenthood. Real Moms never get to pee alone. Well, not for two or three years, anyway...

Your heartfelt exclamation at the end of your letter to those students? That's pretty much how I felt about 75%% of my classmates in high school. Adolescence is not easy on introverted A-students...

jittacatgirl said...

dude. i'm sitting on our couch, struggling with what to do with my big ring.

Sandra said...

Great letters. And I am with Mary P ... Nora is getting you all ready.

Amanda said...

Reading from CA, what a treat. Looking forward to your post! Ain't no shame in being Starbucks-o-fied..Starbucksatisfied.

Anonymous said...

Mmmm, starbucks...

The chances of me returning to the blog before finals are over with is slim. But now I have a meme to do when I get there!

Angela said...

Of course I made it to the end. You had me at Starbucks. (fellow junkie)

Lady M said...

Once you have kids, you'll never pee alone. At least Nora doesn't make as much noise as a toddler outside the door. ;)

Anonymous said...


Bryan said...

Done! :D

Oh, and if I were describing my playlist just a few months ago, "It Ends Tonight" would be right on my list, too. GREAT song. I think I'm gonna go listen to it again now.

fourthbreakfast said...

Oooh. I was unsatisfied with the frequency with which they were playing the Avril Lavigne song on the radio so I just bought it!

Anonymous said...

Yeah! I'm a cool kid because I got tagged! Woot! :)

Love the letter to Nora. Salem does the same thing - only he ALWAYS beats me to the bathroom - and then he hides behind the shower curtain and jumps out at me! It's great fun. haha.

Lara said...

bryan - yes, i do. but in this case, it's less frightening and more pathetic.

aly - yes, i got it! and thank you so much! looking forward to your meme answers.

mary p - this is a good point. i guess i should just appreciate the practice. and yeah, stupid gremlin kids. i didn't think that too much in high school, 'cause i was tracked with all the advanced kids. i didn't interact much with the gremlins.

jitta - boo to big rings that become meaningless and empty and reminders of what was. it's lame. i'm sorry, kid.

sandra - thanks. i'll keep thinking of it as preparation.

amanda - starbucksatisfied... i like that. that's my new phrase for it. :)

tali - good luck with finals, kid. you'll be great. and when you finish, there's a meme to celebrate with! (ooh, ended with a preposition. damn.)

angela - "you had me at starbucks" is hilarious. i should make a shirt that says that and wear it proudly. thanks for reading to the end, fellow junkie!

lady m - tough call. sometimes she definitely makes more noise than dylan ever did. but i agree with your general sentiment.

lala - yay! good list. :)

bryan - thanks for playing. and i'm glad i could remind you of what is a GREAT song. :)

fourth breakfast - ha! yes, i've definitely been known to do that with some favorite songs before. "play it more often!" becomes, "eh, forget it, i'll just buy the damn thing." :-P

aimee - all the cool kids get tagged, love. and yeah, nora's done that before too. once, i went into the bathroom alone, thinking she was sleeping in her climber or something. and as i'm sitting there, i hear this wheezing noise. and suddenly she leaps out from behind the shower curtain. very disturbing. i thought i was going to throw up with fear. and, of course, i was not at all oriented well to throw up at that moment. :-P

too much info? ;)

Amanda said...

You know, I know exactly what you are saying about depression. For a long, long time, I just felt black all the time, and then when I emerged somewhat from that, anytime anything would happen to me, I would sink into darkness again, and even not so long ago, that happened and I thought; This is never ever going to stop happening. I am broken and cannot ever be fixed...but you know what? I haven't had an episode like that in recent months. I am there, at the end of the tunnel. It happens. I can't even believe that I believe that now! I can't believe that I can say it, but here I proof.

TSM Oregon said...

Would I be a total copycat if I did open letters? Great idea!! I have some thoughts already...

But that's *after* my post about intimate toys and half naked men.

Lara said...

amanda - i think you meant to comment on the next post, but that's okay. i appreciate it anyway. and i think you're right - there are so many people who are living proof that there is another side, and even i am, in my way, proof that the darkness does not have to last forever. thanks for the encouragement.

TSM - nope, not a copycat at all! especially considering i first saw them at mocha momma's. i figure in the blogosphere, we all see ideas and try them out. no one wants to reinvent the wheel, after all. :-P