Wednesday, March 28, 2007

In Dreams He Came...

My sleep for the past few weeks has not always been completely restful. There is much on my mind - of course - as I go through my days. But there are some things I feel it is best to push aside and forget... as much as possible, that is. And normally, I do a pretty good job. It hurts to think about it? Well, then I just won't. I'll pretend it's not there, and eventually it won't be, right?

But that all takes a lot of effort, and when I sleep, there is no protection. When I sleep, all those feelings and thoughts and memories that I try so hard to push away during the day come creeping back and take hold of my dreams. I find myself trapped in my own head, unable to turn away from what I feel, unable to wake up, unable to stop the flood of emotion I try so hard to stem during the day. And when I finally do wake up, I'm left with the ever more difficult task of trying to push it all back out.

I'm dreaming of things that cannot happen - of people I can never see again, voices I can never hear, words I can never say. But every time I wake up, I wish more and more that that weren't true, and I feel more and more hopeless when I realize it is.

Every time I sleep it tears me up a little more. I just want to sleep in complete emptiness for once, without the ghosts of my past and the shards of my heart getting in the way.

She never slows down
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone
She feels like it's all coming down.

She wants to be found.
The only way out is through everything she's running from
She wants to give up and lie down.

How do I stop it? How do I make myself forget? How do I make myself move on and stop hurting?

Please help me, because I could really use some sleep.


Anonymous said...

I find that when I take a 'sleep aid' I rarely, if ever, have dreams. Of course that would only be a temporary solution. Perhaps a heart to heart with a very close friend would help. It certainly can't hurt. Big help I am!!

I hope you find peace very soon.
Take care

Major Bedhead said...

I was going to suggest some sort of sleep aid, too. Maybe take it on a weekend, when you can sleep in a bit, so you aren't woozy at work the next day.

jittacatgirl said...

booze. and repeated beatings of a dummy.

sleep aids aren't great things, especially over the counter ones. they interfere with your normal sleep patterns. i think wearing yourself out before bed is a better idea.

Anonymous said...

Think of your subconsious as a 2 year and your dreams as a way for that 2 year old to tug on your hand saying, "Pay attention to me!". That's what's happening. Take one issue at a time, go through the river of pain to the other side, get out, and don't go back on that issue. Before you sleep take your unresolved thoughts, big and small, and mentally put them away for the night (in a drawer, vault, trash can) to be picked up again in the morning. If your thoughts know they will be addressed again they may not come out at night. It takes practice but I know you're good at visualization. I love you.

Anonymous said...

I often can't really sleep either...I feel that the things keeping me awake are doing it on purpose.

Don't get me wrong, I'm the last person to embrace the people needing other people mindset, but the only things that put me at ease are the counterbalancing thoughts from those wishing me peace. Perhaps I'm out balanced in the here and now, I've racked up a bunch of nasty night crawlers, but my crew is Spartanesque in their support and loyalty.

So, here's a middle finger to your haunts. I wish you comfort and sleep, and will happily take up arms against 'em.

Anonymous said...

moms are definitely smart.

I find that if my mind is moving a mile a minute or if I'm bothered by something, I write it down - then my mind knows that I won't forget and keep trying to remind me.

And don't eat before bed, because OMG edamame gives me HORRIBLE nightmares.

Hang in there.

Dallas Blue said...

first, you're beautiful.

second, you're amazing.

third, i love you.

fourth, i have no advice.


Amanda said...

hey there friend.
I just got off the phone with the mother of an old roommate. Totally long and random story about why I even called her...we haven't spoken in three or four years I think. It was...amazing. I never knew her so well!! LOL! It totally made me think of you. I read your blog last night, right before bed, but it was late and I didn't really have time to think about what I wanted to reply. That's what I get for working at 4 in the morning. Now that I have thoughts, I might have to post a whole blog just for you, because frankly, there are too many. Let me just say this here though:
I love the last picture.
I think you are so much braver than I could ever be.
I totally think that you should stick with whatever mood you are in, and not try to force something else for the sake of blog or whatever, and lastly....
Go with booze and the dummy beating. LOL!
Seriously...find some serious manual labor, do as much of it as you can all day, and at the end of the evening have a hot bath and some good wine. You ought to sleep like a wee babe. :p

Lara said...

r u serious? - sleep aids worry me a bit, but it's something that my doctors have been offering as a solution for a while if i want to try it. i have many heart-to-hearts, but they don't always help when i'm alone with the darkness at night.

julia - yeah, that's one of my fears. i have so little time to actually sleep that if i take something to help, it'll just make me groggy the next day. weekends might work, though.

jitta - how about wearing myself out and then drinking booze?

mom - hmmm, i'll try that. thanks. of course, i don't like the idea of having to go through a river of pain to get to the other side, but i know sometimes it's necessary.

eponymous - wow, that's actually a very sweet thought. maybe i'll have to try thinking that way. also, i like that you gave my thoughts a middle finger. :-P

aimee - well, i usually don't eat right before bed, so that's okay. but yes, moms are smart. :) maybe i'll try writing things down. you know i love writing.

sassy - you are sweet and wonderful. thank you.

amanda - thank you soooo much for your blog post. it was wonderful and beautiful and i just can't even express what it meant for me.