Sunday, January 21, 2007

My Tears, My Life

I didn’t used to be this way. Once upon a time, I was actually able to go out to brunch with friends without bursting into tears at the table and having to leave the restaurant. I think some of you who know me don’t actually realize how bad it is. I cry about once a day, on average. And I don’t mean a few tears trail out – I mean sobbing and hyperventilating and heaving of body. Tali and I were having a great time last night, having a slumber party, hanging out. We were sort of quietly sitting in my room, and suddenly there I go, crying again. She wants to know what’s wrong, but I really don’t have much to tell her, because really, what’s wrong that wasn’t wrong ten minutes ago?

This morning (by which I mean about 1pm), a group of friends and I went to a pancake house for brunch. Sitting at the table, they were all happily chatting, and I was sitting in a depressed funk staring off into space. And suddenly there I go again, tears streaming down my face. I realize that conversation has halted and everyone is staring at me. Tali asks if I want to go outside, but I’m still trying to just calm down without making a scene. But no, I have to walk quickly out of the restaurant, and start crying out front. Tali followed me out, and hugged me tightly, just holding me as I wept. And I told her, “It just feels like I’ll never be normal again!” She told me, “You will. There is another side. You’ll get there.” But sometimes, I still wonder… Will I?


Tense Teacher had a fun meme on her site a while back, and I decided to steal it (because we all know I don’t wait to be tagged). However, it’s a really long meme, so I’ll be doing it in chunks. Here we go with PART ONE: YOU AND YOUR LIFE

1. Were any other names considered for you at birth?

My name and my sister’s name are a perfect anagram of my parents’ names. (That means if you take the letters of my parents’ names, and you mix them all up, you can make my sister’s and my names. For those who don’t know what an anagram is.) So basically, after they had my sister, there were four letters left over. They had two pretty reasonable choices for girls’ names, but the only boys’ name they could come up with was really awful. It’s good I wasn’t a boy.

2. How old will you be this year?

I will be 25 in June. I always expected to be married when I was 25. Clearly that won’t happen now.

3. What is your astrological sign?

I’m a Gemini – the twin.

I’m a Gemini – the twin.

4. Do you check your horoscopes regularly, and do you believe in them?

I don’t. I used to more often, because it’s amusing sometimes. I find it really amusing both when they turn out to be really accurate and when they turn out to be really inaccurate. When they fall somewhere in the middle (which is most of the time), I find them boring.

5. What are your typical star sign qualities?

I have very opposing character traits that often show up in tandem with each other. It makes me exciting at parties!

6. With whom are you compatible?

People who are willing to put up with me and my insanity. Which star sign is that?

7. In what kind of house do you live?

A non-existent one – I live in an apartment. It’s somewhat small, but I call it cozy.

8. With whom do you live?

My super amazing and uber-hot dancer friend. She’s fab and I love her to death.

9. How is your bedroom decorated?

Er… It’s really not. There’s a mirror on the wall, but that’s it, and it’s more functional than decorative.

10. Do you have posters on the walls?

Nope. I figure the mirror fills that niche. It’s like a constantly-updating poster of moi. I think that’s probably why I don’t think of it as decorative.

11. Are your parents still together?

No. Parents divorced when I was 12ish, then my dad died when I was 16. (I talk about that pretty often in this blog, you may have noticed - here, here, and here, for example.)

12. So what kind of person are you, in the good ways?

Urg. I hate these questions, mostly because I don’t like myself much. I’m nice?

13. And in the bad ways?

I’m insecure, melodramatic, self-centered, selfish, immature, and perhaps a bit overly self-critical.

14. In what ways do you annoy people?

Every single answer to #13. And probably some others I can’t think of right now. Oh, wait, I’ve been accused of being conceited, cold, standoffish, and a bitch. I bet people find those traits annoying, too.

15. What are your strengths?

I’m really good at pointing out my flaws.

16. What are your weaknesses?

Um, see #13.

17. Are you easily depressed?

Oh so.

18. What makes you depressed?

Most things since mid-October.

19. Are you easily paranoid?

Who wants to know?

20. What is your current mood?

Very tired, but I’m not sure that’s a mood. Pretty down, honestly. It hasn't been a great day.

21. Who are your close friends?

Hrm, I have a fair number of good, close friends. Tali, of course. Lady M is an amazing friend. Makayla’s Mommy, even though we don’t talk much these days. Tpiggy is amazingly supportive, as is Natalie, Ladybug, and the Ex. The Eggman (who’s my date to the Ball – yay!). OP, Charcoal, and Dre in my school program. And, of couse, J. Still.

22. Who are your favorite friends to talk with when you are upset?

Again, many of the above. Primary supporters recently have been J., Lady M, and Tpiggy. But all those folks in the above question are wonderful for help and friendship in times of upset.

[More to come in future installments.]


Day 21 of SaBloBoMo: The Age of Innocence by Edith Wharton

[There are some spoilers here – if you don’t know the story already, and you might want to read and be surprised, don’t read my thoughts on the book.]

Talk about a heartbreaking love story. I love Edith Wharton’s writing in general, but this story in particular just gets me in a way few others ever have (and probably ever will). It is tragic, and because of that, it strikes a real chord of truth. It is the story of a love that just couldn’t be, and the sacrifices that sort of love demands. And it is the story of honor, and responsibility, and the sacrifices those demand. The ending gets me every time:

“[She was] the woman you’d have chucked everything for: only you didn’t. … But mother said –”

“Your mother?”

“Yes: the day before she died. It was when she sent for me alone – you remember? She said she knew we were safe with you, and always would be, because once, when she asked you to, you’d given up the thing you most wanted.”

And he never saw her again. Not even years later, when he could have. He gave her up and never looked back.

I guess that’s love in the real world.


Major Bedhead said...

I love that book.

I'm sorry you're so down. I think your friends are right, though. There is another side. Sometimes it takes forever to push thru to it, though. I've been where you're at and did manage to push thru. I often fall back to the other side, but at least I know there is a good side, too.

jittacatgirl said...

we may be opposite in some respects, but we share in our wonderful and seemingly pointless tears. yaay!

LaLa said...

Babes, I cried because my Mum told me not to have so much butter on my cracker. I was all like "but there is hardly any butter on my CRACKER.... FINE, I won't eat at all". That's a bloody drama-queen, I MADE the drama.

I am sorry you have had a bad day, I adore you though and think you have many good qualities that you forget. x

Amanda said...

Oh sweets, don't beat yourself up. At least you are not locking yourself in a dark corner and tryinig to go it alone. Keep your friends close. Maybe treat yourself to something. I have a friend who is an acupuncturist and I am just amazed by how centering it can be. I generally sit quietly weeping while the needles do their work, just letting go. It works for me, you may have another form of solace just waiting to be discovered. Until then, know that we are here and will cheer you in any way that we can!

kball said...

Its a maddening thing about the way we're put together; when things are bad, everything looks bad and its hard to remember the good things. When things are good, all is rosy and the bad seems far away and nonexistant.

"What kind of person are you, in the good ways?" is hard to answer when you're down, because of this. I'll try to help, just from what I can see over here:

You're smart
You're funny
You really care about your friends, your family, and your students
You're a wonderful dancer, both as a lead and a follow
You're great with kids
You're tall (yes, its good! *biased*)
You're devilishly attractive ;)
You are great to talk to
You have standards (and are willing to be snarky about things not meeting them occasionally with friends *wink*)
You make my life better by being around and being you.

Hard as it is to remember and think of good stuff when you're down, I don't think you can plausably deny this stuff either. :) We all love you Lara, and are confident you'll get through on the other side. Its hard (maybe impossible) to see the other side when you're wading through the darkness, I've been there too, but there is a dawn.

Anonymous said...

I suggest you take Kevin's comment, blow it up to poster size, put it on your wall and repeat it numorous times daily. Maybe even tape a smaller version to your bathroom mirror. You are all of these things and more.

Your sister cried daily for a while. You know my theory as to why. Believe in the sun, even on cloudy days. I love you.

Dallas Blue said...

you are:

super awesome

it's true. it's true!!!!!!

i love you!

Anonymous said...

I don't know you well, of course, but I can add "entertaining/compelling blogger" to Kevin's fine list.

Anonymous said...

I want to put it out there that the Lara I see is not static. The Lara who called me and came over in mid-October was not the same one I went shopping with a few weeks later, or the same Lara that I visited in the hospital a bit after that. Those Laras are not the same as the Lara I see out dancing, at a clothing swap, or at a sleepover. Even when you're down, from here I can see the shades of gray, and I know that soon you will drop the gray altogether and become a Lara of sky blue and magenta (or whatever color combo you fancy).

Keep it up, keep it going, you'll get there, you ARE getting there.

aMom2E said...

I know words cannot make you feel any better right now, but I want to tell you thank you for your blog. I have been reading it for a little over a month now, and you inspire me. You are obviously going through hard times yet you remain committed to writing this blog and communicating with your "fans" (I call myself a fan of yours). I see in you such genius, such creativity and sincerity... I hope you can grow to see these things in yourself again. Thank you for being you!

Lara said...

julia - thank you for the encouragement. it does mean a lot to me to know others struggle, too.

jittacat - oh yeah. crying together on the sofa while watching cheesy wedding shows? awesome.

lala - i adore you back, so thank you much. put as much butter on your cracker as you want. (that sounded dirty for some reason.)

amanda - yes, it's true that i'm doing much better about letting friends help and support me this time. including my amazing blogger friends. like you. :)

kevin - you are sweet and wonderful, and i love you for being such a good friend.

mom - hmmm, good plan. thanks for the suggestion. crying daily is getting old, and i hope it ends soon.

sassy - thank you, smoochy poo! i love you back. :)

kaitlin - and that is perhaps one of the most meaningful compliments i could receive. so thank you.

tali - thank you so much for the reminders. you are right - i am moving forward. i'm just not getting there as quickly and perfectly as i would like. and i need to realize that that's okay.

ffbgirl - you're BACK! i'm so glad! i've missed you and your comment lovin! i'm so glad you enjoy my blog - it's nice to know it's doing more than just helping me clean out my brain dust once a day. you're wonderful, and thank you for your comments.