Tuesday, January 23, 2007

My Blog, My Decisions

I realize that some of you out there have a tough time reading this blog. I've actually had multiple conversations with multiple readers about this recently. Yes, I'm going through a majorly tough time these days. As I said recently in a comment to Her Bad Mother, I feel lost in a labyrinth of depression. I wonder, at times, if I'll ever find my way out again. And there are moments - entire days, even - when I can't do anything productive, and all I can do is blog. Because the blogging helps. It helps me heal.

So if you find it hard to read what I'm writing, please don't read. And I mean that sincerely. Do not read this if it will hurt you. Do not read this if it will cause you to worry overly much. Do not read this if it's going to be too much for you. I know for a fact this applies to multiple people out there, so please, consider what's best for you. That's what I'm doing.

It's why I don't censor.


Okay, time for the last two sections of the TMI meme. (Technically, there are four more, but two of them bored me.) Onward with PART THREE: HOBBIES

1. What do you do for a living?

What does this have to do with my hobbies? Currently I’m in a teacher education program, in training to be a high school English teacher. Woo hoo!

2. Are you happy with what you do?

Yes, though it’s stressful and tiring like you wouldn’t believe. If I didn’t love it so much, I’d have given it up long ago.

3. What are your hobbies?

Oh, hey, a question about hobbies in the hobbies section! Blogging, dancing, reading, writing, shopping (especially for shoes!).

4. Name everything you love:

Everything?!? You’ve got to be kidding me. How about dancing, my friends, Bubbers, my family, writing, my students, and Monte Cristo sandwiches. There is soooo much more, but that’s good for now.

5. Name everything you hate:

Stupid people. Myself lately.

6. What kinds of people do you love:

Are people a hobby? I love all kinds of people.

7. What kinds of people do you hate:

I hate all kinds of people, too.


1. Seeing anybody right now?

I see lots of friends fairly regularly. Oh, but this is the Love section, huh? So then the answer would be a big, resounding no.

2. Sexual preference:

It has always been not to have it until I get married. I’m beginning to reconsider this policy, as I realize I’m getting really old and I might start to seem silly. If I ever get a boyfriend again, I risk his finding out and being like, “You’re a what? How old are you? What’s wrong with you?” Maybe it’s time to consider selling it in an auction in Nevada.

Oh, you mean guys vs. girls? Guys. But I’m open to the possibility that someday that might be different. Maybe I’d have better luck with the females.

3. Do you have crushes?

Yeah, I have a crush on Hotty McHot (Charcoal, you hear me, I know you do). Sadly we don’t really have classes together. Actually, that’s probably a good thing, ‘cause boy would I be distracted.

4. If so, do you like them for their personality, or for their appearance?

Crushes are generally for appearance, not for genuine feelings. However, Hotty McHot is also a fabulous guy, very sweet and funny. So I guess it’s a bit of both with him.

5. Celebrity crushes:

I’m going to marry Joey Harrington.

6. Ever been in love?

Four times. All four claimed to love me back; only three of them did. I still love all of them, though in each case it’s a different love than it used to be.

7. Are you now?

Like I said, in some way or another, I still love all four of them. So I guess you could say the answer is yes.

8. How confident are you when it comes to relationships?

Not very. Especially given my recent failures.

9. Do you know of anybody who likes you?

I know lots of people who like me (though I don’t know why). But you mean anyone who likes me likes me, and the answer to that is a big fat no.

10. What would be most important to you in a relationship?

I find this question way too overwhelming right now. Let’s just not go there for a while, mmkay?

11. Your ideal guy/girl, personality:

See my answer to the above.

12. Your ideal guy/girl, appearance:

Um, tall enough to still be taller than I am when I wear heels would be great. Actually, the exact genetic duplicate of Joey Harrington would be perfect.

13. What’s more important to you, appearance or personality?


14. What are your turn ons?

A good sense of humor, confidence, a genuinely caring attitude.

15. Turn offs:

Stupidity, neediness, condescension.

16. Fetishes:

Er… I like to be dominated. Give me a strong, commanding man any day.

17. Fantasies:

Being handcuffed to the bed by Joey Harrington. Can you tell I really like Joey Harrington?

18. How dirty-minded are you?

Fairly, but I don’t admit it often.

19. What would you rule out in relationships?

A marriage without kids. I need to be a mom.

20. What kind of things would you like to share in common?

A commitment to raising a family together, a love of language and words.

21. Does any particular dress sense turn you on?

Anything that shows off really buff arms – I really dig a nicely defined upper body.

22. Do you remember your first boyfriend/girlfriend?

I apparently had one in preschool, but I don’t really remember him. The first one I remember is Matt, who was my boyfriend multiple times between kindergarten and eighth grade. I last saw him during my sophomore year of college, or somewhere around there. I wonder what he’s up to…

23. The most romantic songs you can think of?

See the top thirteen here.

24. The sexiest singers/bands?

Um… no one jumps immediately to mind, honestly. Maybe Joey Harrington can sing…

25. The sexiest singing voices?

Frank Sinatra. I know - cheesy, but so true.

So, do you feel like you know me any better after all that?


Day 23 of SaBloBoMo: Go away, I need to sleep and I can't do this right now.

The survey had already been filled out, and I'm way too tired to write a book review. I'm sorry, but I'm not convinced all that many of you are interested in my books anyway.

Goodnight all. I'm off to dream of Joey... Mmmm...


Anonymous said...

When you wrote "I'm not convinced all that many of you are interested in my books anyway", I assume you grouped me with the interested party. Or did you forget my diatribe against "Ender's Game"?

Anonymous said...

"I’m beginning to reconsider this policy": I have perhaps unconventional views on the topic and shall refrain from disclosing them in the present forum; nonetheless, I hope it is clear that there is far more to sex than intercourse. All over the world too much is made of that one activity, in many cases with grave health and societal consequences. Cyndi Lauper provides apt counsel in her discerning song "She Bop".

Sans segue: My view is that a healthy relationship is not possible until you like, love, and respect yourself. How to achieve that lofty goal? 1. Time. 2. Supportive friends. 3. An avociation you pursue with passion. Fortunately, you have teaching. 4. CL's first link yesterday is a wonderful reminder of the value to oneself of doing service for others.

Silicon Valley Moms Group said...

I haven't commented in a long time because I didn't want to sound harsh. Lara, you don't have to feel the way you are feeling everyday. I told Lady M we should get together as a 3some for coffee and chat since I just went through a lot of what you are going through. You don't have to feel this way!

The offer is out there ;-) Sending smiles your way.

Still Jill B said...

Amen, Sister!! Isn't blogging about getting to know other folks, for all their uniqueness? Or is cultural diversity not cool, anymore?

I've actually thought about sablomo answers of my own, but I feared from the start that I would get to day 12 and realize, once again, that I'm not as cool as my peers. Actually I seem to straddle various invisible lines, one one side: people who read mostly academic work and had excellent high school teachers and other examples. On the other side: those who dislike literary-based movies because the movie is 'too deep'. I'm an interesting mix of both worlds, with some spice thrown in... hmm, maybe i should try a [late] attempt at sablomo in February - after all, it is shorter. ;)

Anonymous said...

Does anyone out there know Joey? Or know someone who knows Joey? Or know someone who knows someone...etc.? I'd like to interview him for a prospective son-in-law.

Teacher Anonymous said...

Hey, some of us like books! I added "The Age of Innocence" to my Amazon cart because you recommended it.

Anonymous said...

Keep blogging for sanity... It's the only thing that kept me from the local mental institution this past summer.

And, do you think I'm a terrible person because I had no clue who Joey Harrington was?

Dallas Blue said...

omg. you're such a goober... I couldn't do the SaBloBoMo, either, and I invented the freaking thing. I fail at life!

Caffeinated Librarian said...

"Really Old?!" Really OLD?!

Oh PLEASE!!!!!!

Honey, I was 29 before I had sex for the first time. Better to wait for when it feels right rather than trying to force it 'cause "you're old." Because that's an ever so romantic a mindset to be in...at that rate you might as well schedule it like a doctor's appointment.

Old. *Pffft!*

Anonymous said...

Hey babe, I'm home and wanting you to come chat with me, fill me in on what's been going on.

I miss you love.

Anonymous said...

In that last picture, Joey is thinking "Damn, why hasn't Lara written to me yet?!?"

Lara said...

alfred - of course i included you with the interested folks. but i'm not sure any of the rest of my books deal with physics.

kaitlin - thanks for the cyndi lauper reference. and yes, your views on relationships are probably true. i'm working on it, really i am.

momma to lg - you don't sound harsh when you speak out of concern, so don't ever feel you have to silence yourself for that. i appreciate it. lady m has indeed talked to me about it, and i think it sounds great. plus, it would just be great to meet you finally!

jill b - all my uniqueness, huh? that's a good way to think of it. and yeah, writing about my shoes was so much easier than writing about books. less thought required to say "ooh, cute little bows!" ;)

mom - yeah, get on that interviewing! i want to move ahead with the wedding planning already.

teacher anonymous - really? wow, i feel so powerful all of a sudden. though i will say i'm thrilled on your behalf, because that's a really awesome book. you might be interested in School of Dreams, too.

tense teacher - oh yeah, blogging for sanity is totally true. and no, not a terrible person. you're just missing out on some really nice eye candy. ;) he plays quarterback for the miami dolphins.

sassy - i'm pretty sure missing some days of SaBloBoMo doesn't make anyone a failure at life. not even by the harshest standards. and i know a lot about harsh standards. ;)

CL - i do know someone who basically set out to schedule it. it seemed to work okay for her. but yeah, jokes aside, i'll keep waiting until it feels right. i'd just like it if that didn't make me feel stupid sometimes. i just need to learn to accept myself a little better.

aly - you're back! i missed you and your comment lovin. yay for your being back!

seeser - maybe you're right. i should write him soon...

CaliforniaTeacherGuy said...

No matter what you write in your blog, here, I think, is why you write:

"When the foundation of life gives way, and you find yourself falling into a crater, writing puts earth back under your feet.

"The act of consigning the hurricane inside your head to paper quiets the agitated spirit, shifts the brain waves, brings peace. It takes what can be toxic and decontaminates it. It makes it safe. Writing makes sense of confusion and gives voice to the wisdom within."

--Henriette Anne Klauser, With Pen in Hand: The Healing Power of Writing

So, no matter what you write, keep writing!

Lara said...

california teacher guy - wow, thank you for that. that was actually a really eloquent way to put what i've often felt about my need to express myself in the written word. so thank you much for sharing the quote. maybe i should read the whole book...

Caffeinated Librarian said...

Yeah, I know folks who did similar things re. sex. And it works fine for some women. I know of women who have sex-buddies (friends who they have sex "without a relationship") and these ladies can compartmentalize their lives like a trapper-keeper in order to get a little bit of what they need (physically, emotionally) from a variety of folks. And that's fine for them, if it works.

Me, I'm not a trapper-keeper; I'm a facet. If I'm in a relationship I want to be all in and if I like a guy enough to have sex with him, then I like him enough to want a relationship with him. The two are completely linked for me and the one time I tried going against my nature and having a more casual relationship, it was a total disaster. So, lesson learned...never again.

You're right - part of it is having to accept yourself. It's also in knowing yourself, what you need vs. what makes you uncomfortable...and respecting that that's alright, that you don't have to give that up who you are to have what you want. No matter whether what you want or who you are is the norm or not. I mean, normal? What is normal anyway? And is normal always right?

Anyway, that's my two cents. Don't be too hard on yourself in the meanwhile. You really aren't the only virgin your age out there, it just seems like it. (Trust me, I know.)